Open Mic: home sweet home |
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Mackie 
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Joined: 20 August 2005 Location: MK Status: Offline Points: 1504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 45-38-4 Form: LLWLNW |
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 Topic: home sweet homePosted: 04 December 2017 at 2:42am |
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Welcome to the crackhouse.. its residents are most inviting... break bread, and make the sinners toast on a cracked out old mirror snowed in coke and ricin, raise ya rolled notes with half dead blokes eulogising - thoughts... and how to euthanize em.. so.. heres to the nose, and a vaguely hopeful notion of dying. mate.. say it aint exciting... consumed by the doomy glow of translucent smoke and broken lighting, the community chemist, the nose off-liscese the devilish premises embedded an nestled in amongst the brutally terraced tenements tell the kids, skip the fairytales and you'll be passing on the heroin.. its where you'll find the cheap brass, in a slumberous state of malevolence, face the faintest shade and taint of anything she revels in place contained in the shape of a sharp metal sting.. those that attend the den of pedalling cease to see the beast in cess and sin.. lost souls with scabby arms play avatar the existentialist, self-saboteur bending spoons of morphine caviar.. a grubby brown, palace of fiend.. canteen for those with a habit to feed princesses strewn on saturated mattresses never seem to struggle to sleep its more of a peaceful panic as they bubble and bleed...
Edited by Mackie - 04 December 2017 at 2:53am |
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DressToKill
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Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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Posted: 04 December 2017 at 2:47am |
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Holy fuck a ghost,
Welcome Mack this was a breath of fresh air. You gonna be sticking around? |
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The original comeback kid
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Mackie
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Joined: 20 August 2005 Location: MK Status: Offline Points: 1504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 45-38-4 Form: LLWLNW |
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Posted: 04 December 2017 at 2:53am |
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ha, sup man. long time.
just got that bug man so idk, its been a while tho |
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DressToKill
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Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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Posted: 04 December 2017 at 3:08am |
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I think you gained a step rather than lost one so props on that. Things have been pretty slow but they come in waves as you know. Hope to see you stick around
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The original comeback kid
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Neek
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Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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Posted: 04 December 2017 at 12:29pm |
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that heroin line tho?
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#Bananas
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 04 December 2017 at 2:26pm |
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^ what fam said
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#Bananas
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Absolute Abomination
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Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Posted: 05 December 2017 at 12:20am |
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this was a smart piece dude.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 05 December 2017 at 8:27pm |
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Nice to see some variety of a scheme here. Lots of unique, very interesting incorporations. I really liked the 'eulogising thoughts' bit and the middle section. Good read!
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 06 December 2017 at 4:55pm |
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Hmm interesting,firstly i want to highlight your rhyme scheme here,i thought it was creative overall,the jumping in and out effect you displayed by using half or near rhymes was ripe,plus the jumping seemed to go hand in hand at key points within
the verse too so that was a big plus for me,your word choices were also good here, they did bolster this piece together really, as it added a certain depth,your imagery was present also,a good structurd piece on the whole,the only criticism i do have (and this is just me being a prick) is the subject matter,not the most orignal,but your take on this near tiring subject was ripe..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Mackie
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Joined: 20 August 2005 Location: MK Status: Offline Points: 1504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 45-38-4 Form: LLWLNW |
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Posted: 06 December 2017 at 7:35pm |
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thanks man appreciate the feedback, my first piece in 3 years
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