Open Mic: (TWD#3)Crimson Thoughts part3 |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 11 March 2018 at 12:15am |
The first two paragraphs are my last two word drops witch is the expo for this months word drop as I am continuing the story
So this months entery is at the bottom (TWD#1) In the essence of a trauma just a fraction of the pain From the boredem that he suffers causes traffic in the brain Thoughts racing through his head as foliage fall from trees He sees the climate start to drop when things began to freeze A chance to break these shackles of temptation he believes If he redeems himself tonight thats he really needs (TWD#2) Luminosity in his opticals as if god were passing judgment the ambience starts to manifest visuals so abundant Pearly gate hallucinations seeming like an invitation nothing phases the collection of thoughts in this creation A complete parody of his dreams really no mistaken Will he ever resume his life, when will he awaken This months word drop (TWD#3) The binary code in his brain begins to glitch This kids in a coma but his eyes just twitched He's not underneath the gravel yet, far away from death Closer to humanity with each and every breath Aquatic trench like veins start to pulsate quicker It's been eons since his pulse was more than a flicker Millions of dallors later like moneys not an object As he and the doctors fight for his life to prospect a concise accounts kept of the effort and time spent Trying to revive his legend of a mindset Edited by Slip - 11 March 2018 at 12:20am |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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I'll feed just the third part. I will say though, it's a very interesting approach keeping the story going with each Word Drop installment. Just hope you can wrap the words around the story instead of trying to mold the story through the words.
The opener is quite vivid in imagery. Wording in each line is simple but none of the words seem forced, and these lines are amazing: Aquatic trench like veins start to pulsate quicker It's been eons since his pulse was more than a flicker It gives life to the peice when you're able to describe the scene with so much imagery like your portraying real events. And in a story, that's important. This is definitely more poetic than standard storytelling rap. All in all, I look forward to seeing how this story progresses, and hopefully culminates with an epic closure with a more in depth, creative spin. Like some allegorical themes with maybe even a moral background to tie it in with reality on perhaps a personal level everyone can relate to or something to really strengthen the impact of the story being developed. Overall, you're doing a good job so far, so keep it up. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and can't find anything negative to talk about on a creative aspect or even on technical levels, because the piece is sound. |
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Faggot
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Thanks for the feed R.P
I am enjoying keeping the story going It's all up to crim and what words he wants to drop So far it's all fitting together nicely Will see what crimson thoughts part4 has to offer next month |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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I only read WD3. Because I don't know what the words for the proceedings months were, so it would be impossible to judge how effectively you used them. With that said...
Bro, Slip, that was an excellent use of the key terms. You're short read linear, fluent and creative. A story about a man in a coma. Who would have thunk it. Great job. |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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I wasn’t feeling the aquatic trench or the monkey line. Other than that it was alright. Not in my top reads. Also I didn’t bother reading the other drops from lrevious months, just the one for this one.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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I just read the first two lines....
Wow! You done that...... Shit was a dope how you made that transition from the previous months winning entry I’m concerned though I think you are taking a gamble trying to keep this series interesting for another month So I read on further an my fears are confirmed, what I’m seeing here fam is you using some clever angles with the given words The gravel line the pulsate line plus others were worked into the fabric of this well enough and the rhyming is good! It’s just the overall story seems to have run aground loosing momentum with nowhere to go Props on sticking to your guns though main this was still clean writing and the continuation of it def stands out |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Any thing can happen Spume have faith I got a plan lol the legend of a mindset will live on,,, for now
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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