Open Mic: Negative |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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Posted: 10 April 2018 at 4:00am |
Please sign in and have a seat sir . . . The doctor will be with you shortly ... .. . It was the flavor, the substance, the travel in my chest I saw a picture of her death inside a cloud in my breathe I didn’t have a clue. So was it really my fault? Or eighteen years of stress collecting dust in my vault? Or was it a thousand thoughts of dying and living in
filth? Or the fear I felt of being another name stitched in a
quilt How the hell was I supposed to handle it? I was only 18 And it was supposed to be the consummating part of dating But, Now im scared as fuck in the white washroom waiting Prepared to pick tears from buckets of prayers I
was saving ‘Oh god please help me, I swear im sorry Ill never again let the devils temptation jar me’ 6 hundred 66
cigarettes later I hear an intercom pitch . . . (((Scot Avery please report to ground level, room six))) Pacing the bricks in the hall amongst kids sicker then me And in their age place and face I see a fading flicker of
me Finally. I arrive at the door with my hand on the knob
unknowing It felt like a thousand years before that door began to
open Judgment day! . . . and I can see it dancing in her eyes As if there was a light of god disguised telling me I’d
survive For them few sacred seconds she was like my storms cover 'n I Had an unexplainable urge to hug her as if I would my own
mother My heartfelt festered with the fact I get to live And its probably the only time in life it felt good to be
negative!!!! Edited by rhetorical - 10 April 2018 at 4:15am |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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Bro.... like why the fuck won’t you write more... this was dope. I do feel as if it could have been expanded in some parts a bit more with more detail of what happened or whatever. Regardless this was hot and that closer was fuego.
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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What I like about this is that you captured a few moments but bulked it all up with substance. We've got regret, trying to justify a possible bad outcome, pleading etc. I liked the insight as well as the external imagery. You didn't overload it with a million descriptions but the balance is just right. The way it transitioned from seeing the flicker of yourself with the sick kids to the overwhelming joy at the end was really smooth. I could totally imagine wanting to hug the nurse giving you the result.
Anyway yeah. There were a lot of elements in this that made it a very enjoyable read. Lots of detail and imagery packed into what is quite a short drop. My favourite bar would definitely be the 'flicker of me' one. Keep it up.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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The fear from the unknown is a bitch eh,the anticipation the waiting,i felt that all
within here,you took us on a sort of a roller coaster of a ride with this piece,it really did reel me in,(like an angler/fish scenario),i could feel the tension that you added through out this drop,and here's the thing,because it flowed so well,the emotions came off a subtle,but the anticipation of waiting for the results,(via the rights of passage),was solid in depth,i've noticed with your writing that you state things,but because their not underlined as per say,can easily not been seen totally,or that they can be ignored because of your style with the pen,your descriptness (if that is a word) comes forth via a layered approach,which I think is a really cool tool to have,to be honest i could carry on describing your skill level,but ive got a rep here at LA,so i won't..lol.this was interesting as well as entertaining,I got a kick from this piece here,ripe work..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Oh and as I read again,and just to add to that feed there,the ying and yang
angle was solid,(ie,air/water,flight/sea travel,life/death,grief/climax),all in- triguing elements here.anyways enough from me..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Yeah, Content wise... This was defo different. A cool ass concept and the story progression was well written. The anticipation and all was dope. Totally felt the dudes vibe in this. Shitty ass feeling waiting for that type of shit. You nailed this. The technical stuff was above par as usual and totally liking the different topic here. Good shit brother.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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The concept was tight and for what you gave us was good. I wish you gave us more insight. To what Crim said, the best part about this for me was that fear of the unknown. How you tied in the name of the piece and the ending drove it home. I just felt like I was missing something? I'm not sure exactly what it is. Maybe I'm just wishing it was longer? Rhet, no disrespect in my feedback though. This was a nice piece for sure... I just can't pinpoint what I'm wanting?!
..sound like my wife... smh
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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just no time man. . offline stuff leaves little room for online stuff these days |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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@iLL ScriptureZ appreciate it everyone, ill be sure to return the feed
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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this is dope bro. this verse definitely prescribe to the ice berg theory (coined by ernest hemingway). love how everything was sent up with this amalgamation of dread, love, fear, guilt....all without exact exposition. its not until the end that we are hinting at aids. and you never even said the word. reminds me of the short story The Hills are Like White Elephants where the story was a series of dialogue and never outright say what the main topic was about...and at the end, despite never mentioning the word, we all know it was about abortion. i'm a fan of that type of style because the wording, the phrasing has to be very precise not just to maintain hip hop sensibility but to lead readers to the lake, stopping only at the clearing and allow readers to move forward on their own to discover the lake on our own ha. dope sir.
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Schematic
Groupie Joined: 08 November 2014 Status: Offline Points: 130 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Am Negative, Forever Evil
Negociating with Clever People Someone inside turns every Letter Legal A mysterious figure inside a Wrecked Cathedral Living proof that talking to the Dead is Letal An Emperor surrounded by the Most Infernal Witches Crossing the Etheral Bridges, The Eternal Mistress Sharing this Verbal Sickness with Mental Quickness Ressurecting the Fallen Angels Severed and Limbless The Strangest Crime Committed, Inside the Ancient Shrine Harnessing the lifeforce out of beings in the Sacred Time Feast on the bone marrow of the Alien Kind An undergo several meditation sessions reaching A Satan Mind Living within the Plague and Grime Possessing the Coldest of Soul approaching the Murderous Goal Adrift with the Monstrous Troll reciting the Ominous Scroll Written by specters in darkness getting Tortured by Crows That blaze entire fields Anne/An Conquer the Shows Circling the scene like a Vulture that Knows When its time to Consume Spirits like True Mystics |
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http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/rapper-t-vs-schematic-horrorcore-02_topic45919.html
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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^^^ thanks for the feedback.
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