Open Mic: A Stormy Tuesdays afternoon

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    Posted: 22 April 2018 at 5:09pm


She dared to be different
beyond hair color and lipstick
I swear I bared witness
to her magnificent image
When she stared at my lens with
the most intimate glimpse
of what it meant to be free
A genuine spirit
so photogenic and sweet
The way she skipped
through the rain
causing ripples and waves
like a nymph in the street
or big city mermaid that finally
made her way to the sea!
.
.
"Okay, baby ... say CHEESE"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Slip Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2018 at 5:31pm
I see Sammy seems to be spreading some inspiration lol I like the way you took this picture as the photographer
Nicely done
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 April 2018 at 2:24am
@slip ha actually this pic was part of a writing collective exercise a few months back at another place. 


yo self im guessing you're situated with ur move now? good to see u back bro! haven't seen you posted anywhere so i figure you were probably getting settled in ha. but yeah, i think without being bias and all, this may have been my fav verse of that week's topic. i'm a fan of character sketch and this was def up my alley. you painted a very happy go-lucky person who is seeking her comfort and niche. simple but very vocal. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 April 2018 at 3:54pm
Damn... this is I think the simplest verse I've seen from big daddy Self but shit... metaphors on deck. You've always been great with your flow and more so with the metaphors but I particularly enjoyed the ones you employed here.

You know homie got a weak spot for mythical creatures so the nymph and mermaid lines were very much appreciated.

Reading through all these verses I'm like... wish they were longer but I think that's the crux of it all. What if it was longer? What if we did approach her?

Great job, b.
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 April 2018 at 7:32pm
It’s different than the others with its feel, but I saw what Samwise said so I guess you wrote this previously?
so maybe not part of this recent stormfest...
Either way I’m up feeding so here it is
The rhyming and flow was next level, your ability with word placement is on the next level most of the time but really shines through on this short format

But this is constructive feedback so I need to say what’s on my mind here....
The last two lines fam, I keep stumbling on them! Like the flow and the best word choice just deserted you on closing out
I think it was the word finally that clashed for me
JMO brother and I only even noticed because until that moment I was blown away by the incredible fluidity of this short piece

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 April 2018 at 4:39pm
Dope, dope, dope

Originally posted by SELF ACTIVATE SELF ACTIVATE wrote:


She dared to be different
beyond hair color and lipstick

Mmmmmmmmm


I swear I bared witness
to her magnificent image

Wavy

When she stared at my lens with
the most intimate glimpse

Thats a very refined multi pattern

of what it meant to be free
A genuine spirit
so photogenic and sweet
The way she skipped
through the rain
causing ripples and waves
like a nymph in the street
or big city mermaid that finally
made her way to the sea!

Mmmmmmmmmmm

That's a body, no pun intended
.
.
"Okay, baby ... say CHEESE

Perfect closer too.



This was super clean and I'm definitely inspired.
+Sick-Witted+
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