Open Mic: A Stormy Tuesdays afternoon |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 22 April 2018 at 5:09pm |
She dared to be different beyond hair color and lipstick I swear I bared witness to her magnificent image When she stared at my lens with the most intimate glimpse of what it meant to be free A genuine spirit so photogenic and sweet The way she skipped through the rain causing ripples and waves like a nymph in the street or big city mermaid that finally made her way to the sea! . . "Okay, baby ... say CHEESE" |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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I see Sammy seems to be spreading some inspiration lol I like the way you took this picture as the photographer
Nicely done |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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@slip ha actually this pic was part of a writing collective exercise a few months back at another place.
yo self im guessing you're situated with ur move now? good to see u back bro! haven't seen you posted anywhere so i figure you were probably getting settled in ha. but yeah, i think without being bias and all, this may have been my fav verse of that week's topic. i'm a fan of character sketch and this was def up my alley. you painted a very happy go-lucky person who is seeking her comfort and niche. simple but very vocal.
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Damn... this is I think the simplest verse I've seen from big daddy Self but shit... metaphors on deck. You've always been great with your flow and more so with the metaphors but I particularly enjoyed the ones you employed here.
You know homie got a weak spot for mythical creatures so the nymph and mermaid lines were very much appreciated. Reading through all these verses I'm like... wish they were longer but I think that's the crux of it all. What if it was longer? What if we did approach her? Great job, b. |
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#Bananas
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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It’s different than the others with its feel, but I saw what Samwise said so I guess you wrote this previously?
so maybe not part of this recent stormfest... Either way I’m up feeding so here it is The rhyming and flow was next level, your ability with word placement is on the next level most of the time but really shines through on this short format But this is constructive feedback so I need to say what’s on my mind here.... The last two lines fam, I keep stumbling on them! Like the flow and the best word choice just deserted you on closing out I think it was the word finally that clashed for me JMO brother and I only even noticed because until that moment I was blown away by the incredible fluidity of this short piece |
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Dope, dope, dope
This was super clean and I'm definitely inspired. |
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