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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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Posted: 29 November 2018 at 7:04pm |
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First time I am sharing what I write publicly. I would love to hear your thoughts and any advice.
Here we go it rots- I thought I had the power to stop Here we go I'm caught, up in the drugs and my thoughts Here is what I sought - to set aside the pain my psyche bought. To crush this unrest and equalize the stress I'm too distressed to digress- I wish I could burn my chest with the smoke from the devils lettuce Gain a new view from a higher perspective. But here I stand an angel in hell or a demon in heaven All I know is I don't belong and i'm unbalanced On opposing sides of the spectrum but there's no malice I seek to right my wrongs, I accept this challenge I know I can manage the damage, come out with the advantage points are a bonus but sub is the finish My life- I'm not ready to relinquish. But that ain't always a choice. sometimes the Earth reclaims your voice. No warning. into the void your foist. So in every moment rejoice before life hands you the final invoice. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah i liked this piece here,endearing was it's message i thought,live for the
moment sort of vibe,it also came off as a quick read to due to the line lengths that was pleasing on the eye,it also beefed up the flow of this OM too,the multis word/syllables were nice and placed well within which made for a more natural smoother read,it was cohesive too,the fact is there isn't many con's to pick up on really either,i do feel more depth would of knocked this out the park so to type, As you seemed to be skimming the surface of details,instead of plunging deep, but as first drops go,this is impressive,you certainly know how to construct and formulate a verse,i feel your progression is going to be a quick affair,stick around and you'll elevate for sure..again nice read..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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Thanks for the feedback Crimson, I really appreciate it. . A lot of the things I right skim the surface, I have a hard time going into depth about things, always comes out corny sounding.
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Tru_Booty
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2018 Status: Offline Points: 23 |
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You don't always need to go super in depth especially if it is going to make the flow suffer, but on a piece like this it'd probably benefit from being a bit more intricate.
with that said I did enjoy the read and the message, flow was on point mostly just a few spots where it seemed a bit stretched but like I've said before that's not a huge deal in a text drop as long as it's not super bad. nice piece here, I'd like to see more from you definitely keep dropping publicly.
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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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Thanks Tru, I appreciate the feedback. Do you have any advice on how to write with more intricacy?
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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I've seen you drop several pieces in a short amount of time. Looking at the content I think you'd do best if you took a bit more time per piece. This allows you to really think out and envision what you want to write. This works better than rushing it out and ending with something which could be better and leaves questions unanswered.
I'm pretty much here to answer your question directed at Tru.
The first two lines are really good. It sets the right tone and raises an eyebrow. The two lines after it, not so very much. I think it would work better in this formatting: Here we go, it rots. I thought I had the power to stop I'm caught... Trapped between the drugs and my thoughts Here is what I sought, to set aside the pain my psyche brought It flows better and even though caught and trapped are pretty much the same thing. One is a statement and the second is an explanation. The line I bolded out is one I would consider rewriting. When writing a line look at it like a critic would. In this case the questions I'd like you to answer are 1) What are you seeking, 2) how does it help you against the pain and 3) what pain are we talking about? Looking at the rest of the verse the cause of your pain isn't really explained or even briefly touched upon
My questions before apply here still. What unrest? I would also consider omitting this line: I'm too distressed to digress. If you won't digress in the why you are feeling like you're feeling, why share at all? The devils lettuce line, while okay, is a bit forced. No one really calls weed that anymore and it's really used carry the rhyme. The last two lines (perspective / demon in heaven) I liked a lot! Dope metaphor.
First line... ehhhhhh is a stretch. Consider rewriting that or taking it out. The lines after it, while the meaning is dope, the execution is less dope. At first glance it looks deep but when you read into it, it's more an attempt at sounding metaphorical without having the oomph. All in all this verse, technical wise, has some goods but mostly bads. But that's okay. This is how we learn. I suggest you look at the top tier writers here like Self Activate, Neek, Sammy, Chain, Nigma, Stalin etc and look how they structure their verses. They're all written in patterns. Some more complex than others. Also consider reading this: A Manual as I think this would really help you elevate. Pro free tip from me. Always try writing to beats. Even if the flow is basic, you'll have flow. |
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#Bananas
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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i fucked with the first few bars heavy, up until 'devils lettuce'. you lose me on your flow after that.
i see what you were going for with linking it to angels and demons, as well as the imagery you used to describe someone who feels lost/out of place, but just some word choices made it feel off. I feel like you wrote every line refusing to go back to the previous and change it. Like, "all i know is i dont belong and im unbalanced on opposing sides (what should i write..??) of the spectrum (what should i write..??) but there's (what rhymes with balance..??) no malice" best advice i have for improving the overall body of your work (not the content, just how its written) is revising every line multiple times. you may love a line and really wanna use it, but it may not be appropriate for the particular piece you're posting. save it for another time, or find a different way to work it in. exact same thoughts for "manage the damage//come out with the advantage" and "sub is the finish//...ready to relinquish" last couple lines were dope, again except for one poor word choice "final invoice". even if it works (using 'final' at the end of your drop) it just sounds weird, yknow? since its your first piece you've made public, i assume you write a lot but don't get feedback. you will naturally improve if you genuinely put critical feedback into your writing. you may completely disagree and that's fine, just hope it helps you achieve a higher level. solid job.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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Endeavor, thank you for taking the time to critique my writing without holding back. That's way cool you took the time to break that down for me.
I think I see what you're saying with the explanation vs statements. I like that. I have gotten a few suggestions to go more in depth and spend more time with the concept before calling it finished which is solid criticism but I think the questions you brought to my attention will help with that a lot. The revisions you suggested are also a lot more straight to the point, typically when I write like that and read it back to myself it always seemed like the dots weren't connected, like everything had to be a full sentence. I will try out your suggestions for sure though. I will read the manual again, maybe reading it with beats on will help me understand it more. Are there any other suggestions on how to write to a beat? When I try I feel like I can either hear the beat or the words but putting them together is like patting my head and rubbing my belly. Maybe I just need more practice tho. I have been checking out a lot of Self Active's stuff. I like his and Crimson's style a lot. I will definitely try to keep learning from all you guys. Thanks again man. Edited by ΔE(t) - 15 December 2018 at 7:50am |
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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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Absolute Abomination, I appreciate your feedback a lot too. I feel like you got what I was trying to say which is cool and you're close on my process haha. I don't like going back and changing lines so that sounds like pretty good advice to keep revising each line. My only question there would be when do you just let it be? I might get this answer after some more practice though.
Good to know it reads l like I keep looking for rhyming words instead of having an idea of the concept. This lack of development is reoccurring feedback so I should heed that. I do not know what you mean with final being weird to put at the end of a drop, if you could tell me why that'd be cool haha. I do write a ton, its like journaling for me and this style is how it comes out. Which is why no one sees it but I want to have more fun with it, get better and learn how to rap which is why I am here. I will definitely take what you said into account. Thanks! |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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sorry i worded it poorly, i meant the phrase "final invoice" was a bad rhyme to end on. No problem with the word it just felt really weird to the flow of the rhyme scheme. I think 'final' is one word too many and it sounds off (the imaginary) beat to me. Count the syllables, you're getting further and further from the starting count.
e.g. But (1) that (2) aint (3) al-ways (4-5) a (6) choice (7) Some-times (1-2) the earth reclaims (3-6) your (7) voice (8) No warning (1-3), into the void (4-7) you're (8) foist (9) So in every (1-4) moment re (6-8) joice (9) before life hands (1-4) you the final (5-8) in (9) voice (10) im a little bit OTT with it I think when analysing pieces but you're basically extending the length of each line to reach the same rhyme sound, the other rhyming patterns didn't have this issue. Legit just taking a word or two out may make it sound [flow] better. In regards to rewriting and letting it be, just write until you're happy with it. I've found that giving some time before writing and posting allows you to see it from another angle. Like, I find it easier to analyze someone elses work over my own. You come back to it and think "wow that line sucked what was i thinking?" and write something better. That being said, I'm impatient as fuck and barely do this. Just something I know helps me whenever I do it.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
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That's dope. Never counted it like that either. Makes sense, find the pattern, find the flow. I'll put some more consideration into my next drop.
Thanks man! |
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