Open Mic: My Sickness |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Posted: 12 August 2019 at 6:45am |
damn nice rhyme scheme
coherent thoughts all the way through nice read ash
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Hello Ash, nice to read something from you again, i must say i found this verse
quaint & enduring, life's strife and struggles and hope all wrapped up really well in just 11 lines, a perspective that easily relatable to digest, it read like a heart on sleeve piece as i guess/know some of this is written from a place of truth where your concerned, i enjoyed this short read here it left me wanting more, keep Em coming Ash as poetry is a release in dark times and doubt.. Nice drop..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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hey Ash - long time no see. I def see improvements on your word placements. the syllabol count has become alot smoother and intricate.
I did however, feel this coulda used a reworking..even tho it felt "freestyled" so im not sure you went over it and just wrote to satisify the mood. Product of my own invention but still keep bitchin i feel sickened I felt that "invention - yet im still bitching and feel sickened" tightens up the fluidness of your piece. overall tho, really cool quick drop. always good to see familiar faces in our little community. |
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#Bananas
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
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In the streets knowing what needs to be but life is so expensive When. I'm high inside im numb enough to just not pay attention So I tell myself that shit to somehow get my own permission To live without admitting change really comes with free admission So I twist myself into this position wishing id made good decisions Still no difference since my choices I now have to live with Product of my own invention but still keep bitchin i feel sickened Watch as I keep slippin loosing sight of a better vision At rock bottom nobodies around anymore to listen Only God so I prey to be lifted up on his forgiveness |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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