Open Mic: The Hand I Wuz Dealt

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
..Ghost.. View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 11 December 2006
Location: The Land Where Dragons Rule...
Status: Offline
Points: 379

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 9-3-1
Form: WLWWWN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote ..Ghost.. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: The Hand I Wuz Dealt
    Posted: 16 February 2007 at 6:19pm
O.O yes, Ghost can write songs too...
 
true story...bout my gf who died 3 yrs ago....feed greatly appreciated...
 
 
 
 
THE HAND I WUZ DEALT... (beat= Same Cry by Jin)


:Its January 1st::, Me And Ya Mom At The Hospital,
Watchin You, Slowy Dyin As We Tryna Talk To You!
I Try to be logical, Your Skin is Chalky Blue,
Ya Eyes Look Glossy, Baby tell me Wuts Wrong With U!!
Im All Confused, Say Something.. Wuts Botherin You??
She Opened Her Mouth, and Out Came Vomit And Puke!!
Im Honest, Stop This! Cuz Ya Scarin The Ghost,
U Took A Breath In Muh Ear, Why Is It Feelin So Cold,
I Sit Here And Hope, Stroke Muh Hand On Her Throat,
Inconsistent Beats, Interferes with Her Pulse!!
With Miracles Out, I'm waiting, I Sat And Sighed..
This Happened Why? With Ur Shattered Spine, U Lay Paralyzed
Relizing The Fact U'll Die Made My Heart Collapsed Inside,
Then a Scene Flashed My Mind, Its The WHole Crash Collide,
And So I Had Ta Cry, My Fingers Grasp My Eyes,
I Looked Up At That Screen, And Saw The Flattened Line......

::Chorus::

Thats A Sample Of Examples Of The Objects Im Seeing!!
A King Whos Heart Broken Just Cuz The Loss Of His Queen,
Im thinking IS this something I Can Handle Myself?..
Random Things Happen, With The Hand I Wuz Dealt!!


::Verse 2:: (The Aftermath...)

The Doctors Arrive, Ur Mom Has Started To Cry,
And with All Their Hearts Decide, "She Is Far From Alive",
"Ur Daughter has died".. Please step out the Door Way,
I'm Torn babe..Desperate I look Back At Your Face,
And Question Ur Fate. Your Mom Sets The Mourn Date,
Then I Heard A Voice Say "U've got a Message From The Lord Wait!
I Gazed Around.. And Noticed Nothing,..The Shades are Down,
Amazed And Now, Scared "Wut possibly could Have Made That Sound?!"
Afraid....But I Gotta Have Faith And Be Strong, (Examines The Body...)
I spot Something Engraved In Ur Palms, Its A Phrase From A Psalm!
"Be Courageous And Calm, I Have Her Safe In My Arms!!"
Suprised At This Time I try Ta Race To Ur Mom!!
Stopped By The Face Of A God, Denied By blinding Glares,
I Saw Inside His Eyes...It Looked Like A Flight Of Stairs....
Slightly Scared, Going Step By Step.. My Sights Impaired,
And All I Can Remember... Is Me And You Unite'ing THERE...


::Chorus::

Thats A Sample Of Examples Of The Objects Im Seeing!!
A King Whos Heart Broken Just Cuz The Loss Of His Queen,
Im Startin To Think...Is This Suttin I Can Handle Myself?..
Random Things Happen,Within This Hand I Wuz Dealt!!

Back to Top
Point Blank View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 20 May 2005
Status: Offline
Points: 7234

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 92-27-5
Form: WWNWWN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Point Blank Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 February 2007 at 6:33pm
Woah...First Off, Really Sorry About This Yo,Like You Say Its Just The Hand You Were Dealt..Shit Happens. Secondly, Props For Sharin This With Us..Musta Been Hard For You Writin This And Re-living It. As For The Verse, It Was Dope. Rhymescheme Was Amazin As Usual,The Multies Really Helped The Flow Of The Verse. And Finally, The Content Was Dope, I Could Feel The Emotion Throughout This Piece, But At The End Of The Day I Guess Its Only You Who Knows What It Really Felt Like, Tho From That Piece I Can Pretty Much Picture It. Again, Sorry About This Whole Incident, But Keep Ya Chin Up Yo, Ya Queen'd Be Proud...
1
Back to Top
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 February 2007 at 6:49pm
Firstly like point said..Sorry to hear about your loss

Right now to the feed

Dope shit man, ALOT of feeling and emotion in this piece and that is what i love reading, flow was on point throughout multi's made it better like Point said, Musta been real hard writing this piece, best drops are those that come from the heart imo, Vocab didn't matter at all in this piece thought it was good, small vocab would of hit the reader just as well.

Loved every bit of this piece was real hard to pick out my fave bars but these were a few i felt touched me as a reader the most.

Quote Relizing The Fact U'll Die Made My Heart Collapsed Inside,
Then a Scene Flashed My Mind, Its The WHole Crash Collide,
And So I Had Ta Cry, My Fingers Grasp My Eyes,
I Looked Up At That Screen, And Saw The Flattened Line......


REALLY felt this four lines, it created a picture of the scene and a feeling of the emotion felt by you and others around you

Overall dope piece would be great audio...sorry once again for your loss


Edited by Kay B - 16 February 2007 at 6:50pm
Back to Top
Intellect View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 02 February 2007
Location: Montreal, Quebec
Status: Offline
Points: 71
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Intellect Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2007 at 10:34am
Damn, sorry you had to go through that

This was a personal piece so it was hyped up on emotion. As I see it these are the best drops because there from the heart and like i said prior, its filled with emotion. That being said, your flow was remarkable, rhyme scheme was amazing and IMO it touches the reader. Once again sorry this happened but dope drop and stay up...1


Edited by Intellect - 17 February 2007 at 10:35am
Back to Top
U.N.L.M. View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 19 December 2006
Location: USA
Status: Offline
Points: 1955

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 23-15-0
Form: WWWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote U.N.L.M. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2007 at 11:19am
ya man sorry you had to go through this....
 
This verse though was dope...Great rhymescheme, multies really helped it flow along and you just had emotion in this drop making it sooo much better...Your amazing flow just made this drop so easy to read and wanted me to keep going...it's tough to write true emotional drops but you got one right here and you did an amazing job, i even liked the chorus too Big smile
Back to Top
DressToKill View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 June 2006
Location: Canada,New Brunswick
Status: Offline
Points: 6872
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 78-62-0
Form: LLWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DressToKill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2007 at 2:12pm
Damn....Hands Down The Best Written Peice From You Ive Ever Seen...The Chorus Is Amazing And The Flow Is Perfect...Im Devistated At Your Loss Because I Could Only Imagine How That Would Affect Me...Man This Was Definently Nice..Nothing To Criticise
The original comeback kid
Back to Top
Freeda5thDawg View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 19 June 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 1324
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-1-0
Form: WWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2007 at 4:11pm
shit shit shit...sorry for this, dunno how it feels but u seem to be real strong through it...and damn, was this piece amazin...not only because of da personal and emotional feel to it, but it was perfectly written...the chorus jus sed it all, the verses were very vivid, and i jus loved da way u ended da second verse, the imagery jus set the whole thing for me...great job man...
Back to Top
Fatal View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar
...Wicked Wit Wordplay...

Joined: 08 March 2005
Location: Chicago
Status: Offline
Points: 6441
Crew: The Dynasty

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 44-4-2
Form: WNNWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Fatal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2007 at 3:46pm

HEy bro, this was a really deep peice...i could feel the emotion throughout and the whole peice really flowed well and cohesively...personal open mics are always the best imo...Sorry bout ya loss, ive had some really hard losses also, so i know exactly what you went through...

1...
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down