Open Mic: Whats Wrong With Us.. |
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SiNiStAh
Standard Member Joined: 15 December 2007 Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada Status: Offline Points: 159 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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Posted: 15 December 2007 at 12:07pm |
just a quick key i did, off the top..
at times were fine, but thats wen the fighting starts,
i try to hold back the rage, but thats wen the striking starts, the name calling, and insensitive destrcution of my character, but still i think, for sake of children, i still wana marry her, the abusive verbal assault are so corrupting to my soul, i try to talk an work it thu, but yer interupting on a whole, strangling my every vitle, then mangling me lik'a rivil, leavin' me dangling on the high rope, with'a noose on my heart, after it all, a trues 4 our hearts, but i stay confused in my heart, i cant escape the pain, the way you gator roll my emotions, drownding by my own tears, throwing my aimless soul in the ocean, but all this pain an agony, plus the irony of our relationship, its worth it all, cuz for my lil gurl is my powered relationship, i see her laughter, he smile lights up my darkest dungeons, your smiles land on point, just like a masksmith punchin', pulling at my heart strings, like marrionetts on theatrical stages, my sadness is re-birthed by the happiness on ur magical faces, like the phenix, i burn to ash, an to b re-born with divine meaning, hopefully we make thru, we done our dues, or maybe im just dreaming// thanx for reading, n feed bakk is much wanted...
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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i really feelin ya style....but wat also draws me to read more is ur storytellin techinques...this piece was real deep as well, for a key, it was impressive...keep at it man...
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SiNiStAh
Standard Member Joined: 15 December 2007 Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada Status: Offline Points: 159 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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thanx for the feed again, i try lol...
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Fatal
Superior Member ...Wicked Wit Wordplay... Joined: 08 March 2005 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 6441 Crew: The Dynasty Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-4-2 Form: WNNWWW |
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This was pretty cool...only thing i would say is to try to avoid usin the same word like relationship/relationship...or you used heart three times...kinda shows a lack of lyricism...but yea for a key i thought this was cool...keep um ...1 |
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SiNiStAh
Standard Member Joined: 15 December 2007 Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada Status: Offline Points: 159 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-1 Form: LWLLLN |
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^^i agree wit that.. lol, heard it b4 aswell, it was a weak point in the key.. and thanx for the criticism
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dalinquent
Superior Member Joined: 04 June 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 4687 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-23-1 Form: WLLLWL |
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didnt actually read this...rarely i read the feed first to see i its worth my time...read what flash said and glance at your writing...basic shit...seen ya other shit tho so it must just be this drop that sucks...
p.s. feed my beat Edited by dalinquent - 15 December 2007 at 6:32pm |
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