Open Mic: a new beginning

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   I stand alone, motionless as stone. 
Thoughtless as a drone on my own
Remancin of home. Whats wrong's unknown.
No lights shone, no signals for phones.
The city is dead. The worst I dread, 
Because the towers that once looked down 
are no longer over head. Just gigantic mounds
Piles of rubble fill the streets, citizens are in a panic. 
Hell I cant even lie, when I opend my eyes I was in a frantic. 
The world we once knew turned somehow satanic. 
An eye opener of everything we once took for granted. 
How can we rebuild when all our resources are depleted. 
No FEMA treatment available to help those who need it. 
Each town seperates, even cities and states.  
Color is not what segregates when all you can see is gates.
Just this 4 wall enclosure is what assures our fate.

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J-Scott Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 11 December 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 302 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-1 Form: LLLWNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote J-Scott Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: a new beginning Posted: 08 January 2014 at 7:20am
	I stand alone, motionless as stone. Thoughtless as a drone on my own Remancin of home. Whats wrong's unknown. No lights shone, no signals for phones. The city is dead. The worst I dread, Because the towers that once looked down are no longer over head. Just gigantic mounds Piles of rubble fill the streets, citizens are in a panic. Hell I cant even lie, when I opend my eyes I was in a frantic. The world we once knew turned somehow satanic. An eye opener of everything we once took for granted. How can we rebuild when all our resources are depleted. No FEMA treatment available to help those who need it. Each town seperates, even cities and states. Color is not what segregates when all you can see is gates. Just this 4 wall enclosure is what assures our fate.


Freeda5thDawg Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Freeda5thDawg Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 08 January 2014 at 12:11pm
	It finished incomplete to me. Thought you could have expanded more and wrote more. For the most part, the message was meaningful and interesting. It did, however, read more as a poem seeing as the lines were a little too short this time around. Your imagery was nice, but I do think using more complex rhyme schemes, such as more syllables rhyming together, could have made the verse better.