Open Mic: Marry me

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   I'm assumin' you use to the usual
Dudes glued to you, drool for youProbably nothin new to youWhen I try to get through to you you ain't beautifulI'll allude it to a Rubik's cubeWhen I looked at you I thought no one could even be described better than beautiful..Because it's puzzlin' me how you fuckin with meRight now I wish your mouth was on mineThat's the only way I see you muzzlin meTalk us? We could fall in love in a weekMaybe help me do more than just fantasize gettin rough in the sheetsIt ain't about that we could be more subtle and deepmaybe we could watch a movie, cuddle then sleepWe could spend every minute like it's our lastEven though we both know it won't be our lastWe can make it last as long as we're willing to tryThe couples today lasting that long are one in a million and I'mCertain we can be that one Don't need diamonds or iceBecause the most beautiful jewel we can share is the light in your eyesYou're the only one id take my time for and writeAbout how I see you winding up in my lifeCorrect me if I'm wrong but that would be the time of your lifeAnd the highlight of mine But for now I'll let you sleepAnd live this in my dreams

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Dougysnuggy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Dougysnuggy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Marry me Posted: 27 January 2014 at 12:31am
	I'm assumin' you use to the usual Dudes glued to you, drool for you Probably nothin new to you When I try to get through to you you ain't beautiful I'll allude it to a Rubik's cube When I looked at you I thought no one could even be described better than beautiful.. Because it's puzzlin' me how you fuckin with me Right now I wish your mouth was on mine That's the only way I see you muzzlin me Talk us? We could fall in love in a week Maybe help me do more than just fantasize gettin rough in the sheets It ain't about that we could be more subtle and deep maybe we could watch a movie, cuddle then sleep We could spend every minute like it's our last Even though we both know it won't be our last We can make it last as long as we're willing to try The couples today lasting that long are one in a million and I'm Certain we can be that one Don't need diamonds or ice Because the most beautiful jewel we can share is the light in your eyes You're the only one id take my time for and write About how I see you winding up in my life Correct me if I'm wrong but that would be the time of your life And the highlight of mine But for now I'll let you sleep And live this in my dreams

DressToKill Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote DressToKill Report Post Likes(1) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2014 at 12:41am
	I thought this was dope, man..it's hard as fuck to write a piece like this and that's the truth. I really enjoyed this
	The original comeback kid

Smoothtung Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN	Post Options Post Reply Quote Smoothtung Report Post Likes(1) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2014 at 12:48am
	Dude this was awesome. dtk is absolutely right, pieces like this are real hard.. you gota convey what you feel and stay true to you WHILE staying fresh and interesting and you nailed it man. The right chick would dig this.
	Imagery so vividly intrinsic you might miss it.. Though you never even had the chance to witness it

Dougysnuggy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Dougysnuggy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2014 at 12:54am
	Word :D Good looks guys. I appreciate it, didn't really know you guys found it difficult to write like this

RedNosePit Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Banned Joined: 29 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 422	Post Options Post Reply Quote RedNosePit Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2014 at 1:09am
	First line is 11 syllables Second line is 7 syllables Third line is 8 syllables Fourth line is 13 syllables Fifth line is 9 syllables Six line is like 21 or 22 syllables You get my point. You need to stay within 3 syllables of each other at the minimum. Your lines are uneven....some worse than others. As for the content it was ok. There isn't a ton to say except it is what it is. I don't see top notch writing but I also don't see whack writing. It somewhere in between. Add more internals and multi's on your transitions and your piece will be smoother.


Dougysnuggy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Dougysnuggy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 29 January 2014 at 2:23am
	upping

U.N.L.M. Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote U.N.L.M. Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 29 January 2014 at 3:34am
	I thought the opening and closing was real strong...I think what Dress/Smooth are alluding to when they say its hard, is that it's hard to write something like this without cliches or it feeling cheesy...I thought this was pretty good for the most part for what it was...Had some good lines. The light in your eyes thing was cool too