Open Mic: pain captured in time |
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Zinaii
Standard Member Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2957 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-27-10 Form: WLNNNL |
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Posted: 02 February 2014 at 1:03am |
Pain captured in time Walking out of the house rayban shades and my bops got a diddy Hop in my challenger, off from work planning on mobbin the city finally a day off, information technology? modern day slaves 4 month projects been saved, now i can find me some dames My minds been contained, strictly on dwindling my workload Im opposite of a femininist, taking innocence from virgin hoes Armani suit tailored, on my way to the bar for some drinks Plan on striking gold never wifin hoes or carving sum ink Im a businessman so my sex life carries over the same I wanna fuck em and leave em witout em knowin my name Sure i hurt some of them, but i never fight and never fuss Bodycount higher then king leonidas on psychadelic drugs My mom? Says its all gonna come back to haunt me Yea right! Thats like saying being attractives costly Chick at the bar, Sexy frame, i wanted to ride her curves, she was awesome Caught a glimpse of her face Then i realized; i think i know her! She works in the office!! Some small talk and drinks led to big plans for the upcoming night Wanted a man over, a.k.a. she wanted sumbody to shove her with pipe Im loving this sight, I let the condoms unravel like baby pics from a wallet She grabbed handcuffs, said lay here, tied me up and went in the closet And said "so ur good with the girls? I heard ur pretty smooth with the ladies" I was confused at her statement, but maybe thats just a ruse to get naked "I like to think im a nice guy, i dont wanna get to bragadocious" She said do u think im fuckin stupid? Then she grabbed a holster "Wtf is that!" I screamed as i tried to escape from the cuffs "Ur all over the internet playa, thought u were gettn face from a slut?" Its time u got whats coming to you, ur nnot feeling shameful enough Then she looked me dead in my eye and started tazing my nuts!! Aaaggghhh! Wtf!!! Who the fuck are u u crazy bitch!!! "men like u deserve whats coming to them whatever fate that is U think i dont hear u bragging in the office about your sexcapades? Breaking womens hearts in the dark? Leaving them left in pain?" I pleaded my case; "wait a minute, lets talk about this; i can explain! She squeezed a testicle with pliers, until i was writhing in pain I had an exboyfriend like you, but you seem to be even more of a jerk Those poor girls u womanize, ur kids? U wont be enjoying their birth She chuckled; "u think ur more then ur worth" her manicured nails began to finger the steel of a gun She kissed me and said "every woman you've ever hurt your gonna feel it at once" *gunshot* |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Dope as fuck with this one Zin.............Seriously good bro! Pain captured in time Walking out of the house rayban shades and my bops got a diddy Hop in my challenger, off from work planning on mobbin the city finally a day off, information technology? modern day slaves 4 month projects been saved, now i can find me some dames My minds been contained, strictly on dwindling my workload Im opposite of a femininist, taking innocence from virgin hoes Armani suit tailored, on my way to the bar for some drinks Plan on striking gold never wifin hoes or carving sum ink Im a businessman so my sex life carries over the same I wanna fuck em and leave em witout em knowin my name Set the scene really well here man......I got a sense of the main characters morals and I'm hooked from here on in Sure i hurt some of them, but i never fight and never fuss Bodycount higher then king leonidas on psychadelic drugs My mom? Says its all gonna come back to haunt me Yea right! Thats like saying being attractives costly Loved the swag on that attractives line..........Plus it did shed some light on why am always broke......Lol Chick at the bar, Sexy frame, i wanted to ride her curves, she was awesome Caught a glimpse of her face Then i realized; i think i know her! She works in the office!! Some small talk and drinks led to big plans for the upcoming night Wanted a man over, a.k.a. she wanted sumbody to shove her with pipe Im loving this sight, I let the condoms unravel like baby pics from a wallet She grabbed handcuffs, said lay here, tied me up and went in the closet Ha ha nice.......But yeah some people gotta learn the hard way "dont let em tie you up" And said "so ur good with the girls? I heard ur pretty smooth with the ladies" I was confused at her statement, but maybe thats just a ruse to get naked Rhyming on that bar was extra tight......good shitt "I like to think im a nice guy, i dont wanna get to bragadocious" She said do u think im fuckin stupid? Then she grabbed a holster OH NO SHE DIDN'T......... "Wtf is that!" I screamed as i tried to escape from the cuffs "Ur all over the internet playa, thought u were gettn face from a slut?" Its time u got whats coming to you, ur nnot feeling shameful enough Then she looked me dead in my eye and started tazing my nuts!! The nuts.............. oh dear Aaaggghhh! Wtf!!! Who the fuck are u u crazy bitch!!! "men like u deserve whats coming to them whatever fate that is U think i dont hear u bragging in the office about your sexcapades? Breaking womens hearts in the dark? Leaving them left in pain?" Great little moral fibre here........ I pleaded my case; "wait a minute, lets talk about this; i can explain! She squeezed a testicle with pliers, until i was writhing in pain Dayum............back on the nuts like torture I had an exboyfriend like you, but you seem to be even more of a jerk Those poor girls u womanize, ur kids? U wont be enjoying their birth She chuckled; "u think ur more then ur worth" her manicured nails began to finger the steel of a gun She kissed me and said "every woman you've ever hurt your gonna feel it at once" *gunshot* Killed it with that every woman gonna feel it shitt in the closing line Really enjoyed this one bro
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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I read this the other day but never dropped feed. This shit is dope af bruh.you had nice multies,internals,and a nice flow. I cant really see anything wrong with this piece.
I loved the concept. And I didnt see the twist at the end coming this was seriously dope af Keep up the good work. Stay blessed.
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Zin this was probably the best drop I have seen from you and dudes shouldnt be sleeping on this. You really told the story so well and the whole drop flowed and kept me reading. The opening verse was nice and your wording and the image you were able to give to the reader was cool....
well done man.
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Brotha Goose
Standard Member Joined: 07 July 2013 Location: San Diego, CA Status: Offline Points: 2318 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 10-10-0 Form: LWLWLL |
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This was off the hook bruh! Didn't know you cud go in like that on a topical.
This was "top tier" work. Loved it..... |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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This was dope as fuck. In that very first section there was a few places off flow, but besides that, that is the only thing I can critique about this. Really nice story progression, and really great twist midway through was very well written, I had no idea that was gonna happen when I started reading this piece.
Some of my fav bars "My mom? Says its all gonna come back to haunt me Yea right! Thats like saying being attractives costly""Im loving this sight, I let the condoms unravel like baby pics from a wallet She grabbed handcuffs, said lay here, tied me up and went in the closet"and the closer. This was really nice Zin. Definitely a big step up for you in my eyes. This piece shows massive elevation on your side. Great descriptive ability in this. I really enjoyed this drop from you. Well Done.
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Malkilo
Groupie Joined: 27 February 2014 Location: usa Status: Offline Points: 40 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-1 Form: LN |
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Yea well done. The story was written well it kept the reader engaged it flowed well. I had a picture in my head of what was hapening. Overall good job.
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Point Blank
Superior Member Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
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This was impressive man, I don't think I've read a topical from you before so this was quite refreshing to see. I must admit I thought the ending was a bit far'fetched but maybe that's just me lol. Good shit Zin
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U.N.L.M.
Standard Member Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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"being attractive is costly" and "baby pics from a wallet" were great lines in that opening set...I'ma be honest and say I thought the wording and just general rhythm of the first set seemed a bit stiff/rigid and didn't feel entirely natural (for instance, the rhyme with "dame")
BUT, I gotta say... The set that starts with "wtf is that" till the end was smooth sailing...Great wording and really was quite easy to read...I think that 2nd half was a high quality topical...Plus, I really enjoyed your take on the picture...I think the story was a very interesting one and, more importantly, was a fun and enjoyable read...Really hooks you in. Massive elevation...Keep it up...I guess everyone should battle Exo in a topical haha...Ups your game for sure
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