Open Mic: New to Everything |
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Cheeseburger Eddie 
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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 Topic: New to EverythingPosted: 08 February 2014 at 2:14am |
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Just discovered a love for writing verses about a month ago and would love to start getting feedback on it. I'm working on a mic set up, but for now I just have flip vids of me rapping them so where would the right place be for that?
Youtube link of me rapping it: http://youtu.be/6E7QTdjafGA Lyrics Quest: Love. Activated. Next stop. Captivated. Rest up. Pack the vapor. Lift off. Fuck the paper. Skywalking Solo date her. Why talking Polo capers? No cares unless you’re Vader, woah, it gets better later. Franchise was overated References are cold and dated Preferences for sequels hated, Junior, my name restated Guess I’m another faker. Yes I’m on be a baker. Mentalism in my layers, mental prison in my stares. Gone like my child cares, grown up and it’s not fair. Loans from my friends who dare, phoned in my thank yous there. "Thanks dude Appreciate it..." Guess I’m not all that creative. Shine so bright I know I’ll make it. Long as I don’t get too faded. Pass the mic eviscerate it. Plasma spitting can’t contain it. Sun too hot, make JR wait but soon enough the deuce delayéd. Hoping I’ll one day get paid. Spoken low, "don’t even say it." Struggling to even pay rent. Juggling my merriments With feelings from the bass amen. See it on my face again. Move along and be a friend ,I need you more and I relent. Feed my hunger represent Lycan things I’m under sentence. Parasitic definitions, Feeding off your inhibitions. Robin Will and stealing wishes, Jasmine rich those fancy bitches Magic Carpet, High Ambitions: Palace Throne I might envision. One day. Edit: I'm really trying to figure out how to hyperlink and embed the video, but it doesn't make any sense to me. |
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Smoothtung
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Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:34am |
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Huhh.. kind of basic rhyme scheme.. and just a bunch of random statements. But, there was some cool language and a pretty strong, easy peesy flow throughout the whole thing. Not a whole lot of awkward wording really, seems you have some sort of potential I'd like to see you attack an actual topic.
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:39am |
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As a written piece, I agree with what Smooth has said. I watched the audio and your mic presence and delivery were really good. Not sure if you're wanting a critique of the lyrics or not but from a readers perspective, I liked the intro but there were plenty of lines afterwards that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Was digging the rhymescheme for the most part tho
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Smoothtung
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Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:45am |
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Yea I read it again and I gota say in fact I did find some lines that were awkwardly worded, but yea like nigma said you had a decent rhyme scheme.
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Cheeseburger Eddie
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:47am |
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Thanks Smooth! I guess I went too abstract. There was a story there, but if it's too hard to figure out I need to better figure out how to tell it. Basically it's about how I'm trying to become an entertainer, but instead I just get stoned and watch tv and movies.
Also, could I post other raps I've done in this thread or should I wait a bit and then post one in the future once I've practiced more?
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Cheeseburger Eddie
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:51am |
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@Nigma I would love a critique or anything that can help me get better.
Thanks so much for the read and watch! And especially your kind words!
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 2:59am |
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I don't feel this drop is ideal for the critiques you seek as you have yet to show us what you are truly capable of. If you're serious about focusing on your lyrics I'd recommend you follow through on Smoothungs suggestion of writing about a topic. Formulate the verse in your head before writing, expand on your ideas and develop your concepts. I was just looking over a verse I posted awhile ago that may be a good example, not to advertise my work or anything, just shows what I'm getting at.
http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/the-book-of-enoch_topic29090.html?KW= if you feel like reading Hope to see you stay active, you have a natural confidence in your audio presentation so keep at it.
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Smoothtung
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Joined: 09 December 2012 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 25-8-3 Form: WWWLWN |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 3:00am |
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you'd be better off to drop whatever you have in different threads. And make sure to feed other peoples pieces, this place runs on a give take relationship
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Cheeseburger Eddie
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 3:04am |
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Gotcha. And Nigma, That was fucking insane. I'll give one topic a lot of focus because that was fucking sick.
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 4:51am |
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I'd say the Nigma and Smooth really gave pretty sound advice...In terms of the verse, I thought some wording was forced and somewhat nonsensical...It was still a solid verse..and maybe it might be me not understanding what you were going for...I think the closer was interesting and displayed my thoughts on the verse well. There were some cool connections (Robbin Williams/Aladdin theme thing) but some of the wording was still weird "palace throne I might envision"...I'd rather the content and wording make more natural sense than force a rhyme, but you can always experiment with more poetic wording or different styles...I think a more topical-focused verse would allow for more critique...Still, stick around and keep dropping...
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Cheeseburger Eddie wrote: