Open Mic: Bar Tender Love |
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Cheeseburger Eddie 
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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 Topic: Bar Tender LovePosted: 08 February 2014 at 3:46pm |
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Tried focussing on one topic and telling a more coherent story. I think it might still be too abstract but I think it's getting closer.
If you would like to hear the flow, A video of me rapping it is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCf_MvH2Ke0&feature=youtu.be At a quarter to 3, you would swear I’m incompetent By the time I get around, I’m in the waitress esophagus And I’m tappin this. Like a rapper not wrappin this. I’m like Craster with half kids. I’m a master to pacifists. By the plaster I’m passionate. And I’m asking her pass the mints. Famous actor I’m casting it. And My couch is a massive hit. You’re a pices? I’m an existential crises. That of Men and Mices, that get Hulk and die big That soft touch provides this, that Pitchfork can’t find us. Went Lenny on the scene now you can’t afford to hide this. Giving everyone colitis, guess I’m not so polite just Lost, whats her name? Liz? But the drinks rain free and the free drinks reign. I’m a foix gras duck got my liver insane. I’ll never change. Unless you go and pull some strings, cuz once I’m inside of you don’t want a bloody thing. Respectively and Actively working for something, nothing. I’m Pipin I’m callin Your Sauron, eyeball crawlin for fallin Entities who can try to come stop me, MCs Squeezing their vowels in. I’m flowin like towel bins. Dank. And I’ll murder your driver, reference Grosse Pointe Blank. Jason Williams no thanks. Wont be driving your lanes. Won’t be signing your things, White chocolate so derivative, I’m skipping caffeine. Send her home alone, Won’t be Culkin again. |
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:06pm |
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Hmm...Some lines are really cool, but the verse as a whole seems disjointed...I guess the story is just picking up the waitress for a quick one and sending her home alone...It seems like you enjoy throwing in TV/Movie references, but it also hinders the narrative...Tbh, it's fine for something like this...can be enjoyable...But, a real narrative piece needs a bit more of a narrative focus...Imagery, description, metaphors, etc...I'd like to see you have a concerted focus on a character or story and kind of try to not fill the verse with too many different references....
Opener was cool, should've been "waitresses' esophagus"...2nd bar was really cool with the Game of Thrones reference...Liked the "couch is a massive hit" line...quite funny...This section i'm quoting seemed to get carried away and took the content away from your original focus of the waitress "I’m Pipin I’m callin Your Sauron, eyeball crawlin for fallin Entities who can try to come stop me, MCs Squeezing their vowels in. I’m flowin like towel bins. Dank. And I’ll murder your driver, reference Grosse Pointe Blank. Jason Williams no thanks." Also, I see the sauron concept but what's "eyeball crawlin for fallin" supposed to mean, in general? Phrases like that seem a bit weird IMO...It could just be going over my head, though...So, overall it's a fun read with a bunch of references, but it also makes the verse seem a bit "all over the place"...keep writing... |
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Cheeseburger Eddie
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:13pm |
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Awesome stuff! Thank you so much.
I intended it as "eyeball crawlin for for fallin entities who can try to come stop me" as in looking around to see if any of the other lowlifes in the bar would stop me and her from getting it on. Not sure if it worked. I try to have a bunch of layered meanings to my stuff and sometimes I think I make it too complicated. I think you're right and I should try just a simple story and try to paint a vivid picture. Edit: And to just clarify the other stuff in case you were curious about my thought processes: "MCs Squeezing their vowels in." They don't say anything. "I’m flowin like towel bins. Dank." I'm making her so wet we need towels. Chose cleverness because of all the double entendres and it's not the best imagery, or make the most sense on the primary level. "And I’ll murder your driver," Minnie Driver just seemed like a metaphor for pussy to me. I'm not sure why. It also set up the Jason Williams reference. Not the strongest. "reference Grosse Pointe Blank. Jason Williams no thanks." It's a reference to Grosse Pointe Blank and it's also gross because we're doing this in front of everyone. "Wont be driving your lanes. Won’t be signing your things," I'm not interested in being your Jason Williams (insanely weak). I won't be doing this over and over again, and I won't be signing on for any commitment. "White chocolate so derivative, I’m skipping caffeine." I'm just like everyone who came before me, and we won't be having coffee in the morning. White Chocolate was also one of the Jason Williams in the NBA. Edited by Cheeseburger Eddie - 08 February 2014 at 9:32pm |
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:23pm |
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My bad, that line actually makes sense...I was reading it like "eyeball crawlin for fallin" as the complete thought or sentence and didn't see it as a continuation into the next line...That's my fault lmao...It makes sense. "eyeball crawling" is a bit suspect, but I assume it has something to connect with the idea of doing a "pub crawl" considering the title and bar setting...
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:27pm |
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Over complication is seldom an issue. The largest challenge as a writer is to take your work, which you'll have read and re-read multiple times, and see it through the eyes of a reader who is taking it in for the first time. A reader most likely will not go back and re-read portions that appear hazy, and because of this will take from the verse only that which is explained well enough by the author.
Also definitely worth noting, and something I tried to touch base on in your last piece, is that there is a HUGE difference between the feedback you will receive in the OM then you will get in the audio section. If you dropped this piece in the audio section without the lyrics, portions such as " eyeball crawlin for fallin" may be overlooked since the listener is taking it all in at once, and your presentation of the lyrics can sometimes overpower the sense small discrepancies that are much more obvious when the lyrics are sitting in front of you. That's not to say if you are focusing primarily on the audio aspect that you should overlook lyrics that come across nonsensical to your listeners, its always something to pick away at and continue improving upon. You seem to have a great attitude for taking criticism and applying it to your writing so there is much you can learn from this site. It's a slow transition so don't expect night and day changes to happen quickly. The main thing is to identity advice that is useful to you, work on applying it, writing lots, and also reading/commenting on others work to see what they do well and incorporating it yourself. One last random thought that may help. Most of the low parts in the two pieces I've viewed from you occurred when you were simply rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Perhaps writing a few verses without having any intention of doing them on audio would be beneficial. Go about it from a writers mindset and not from perspective of the vocalists and you may find it to be a better approach. Or maybe not. Stay up though
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Nigma
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Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:28pm |
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Ah, I also didn't read it as a continuation. A trick I use to make that more apparent is to not capitalize the first word in the second line
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Cheeseburger Eddie
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Joined: 08 February 2014 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 499 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Posted: 08 February 2014 at 9:35pm |
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I hope you both realize how much I appreciate your feedback. Thank you for your time and great advice guys.
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