Open Mic: Reach for the stars!

I've train for this all my life
And it is zero hour, now is my time
eternal glory or the end of the line
we all saw the fireworks of Apollo 9
and all the riches could soon be mine
I calm the hysterical wife saying "it'll be fine"
I remember the challenger disaster of Jan 28
I hope it is quick if that is my fate
My life in the hands of God a test of faith
a giant leap no small step I am about to take
Annoying when I hear "Oh the moon landings are fake"
Soon heading for the stars at quite a rate
we have nicknames within the crew, and I am John
but the crew have started to call me Major Tom
the leader of the team in that David Bowie song
Or at least I think it is unless I am wrong
we are blasting off this planet we're from
any chance of escape has so quickly gone
In the team I have a Russian and a German guy
Two Americans, a Brit and a rich fucking Thai
He paid Millions of pounds to be space bound tonight
we streaking up through the bright blue sky
The reason he'd pay for this I don't know why
I'm pushed back in my seat as we continue to climb
I turn my head to the side which is quite the effort
I see the professionals handling the forces effects
The tourist is moving like hes doing a safety check
As we leave the atmosphere we move around the flight deck
We are floating far beyond the gravity effect

hi shankley.. this verse was really good.. enjoyed reading all the way.. yeah I see you try doing short lines and the concept was fine all the way.. keep writing, you're doing fine.. your crew can help you elevate...

ez

Weak rhyme scheme. Only using end rhymes, simple vocabulary. Concept was not bad

I'm glad HG is starting to rub off on ya...The shorter, structured lines I think will only do wonders for your writing...In terms of wording, this was so much more natural sounding/smooth compared to so many of your other pieces...That's an important improvement....I think the concept was cool/decent...Stay up. 

I thought this was very creative. When I first read it, I thought he was going, "Just another song about chasing after your dreams." But instead of going the corny route, you played around with the concept and brought it full-circle. I'm usually not a short line guy, but it worked really well here.

its good for you to fuck around with styles like this, Ki is the man to look at when it comes to inspiration on fucking with schemes and styles, the content was lacking in a few bars and came off fillery, as in they didnt really add to the piece, like the wrong line, or the dont know why, youve got as many bars as you want, tell me why lol ukno? but yeah, i liked this cause you experimenting an i respect that. keep doing your thing man. 

Thanks FO and Ki appreciate the read and feedback... Ill take ya advice on board FO and I'll just keep working on it. Ki this was one of the 1st verses i just thought ill try something new i saw FOs OM (cant remember the title off top o' my head) his most recent one and that was what gave me the idea to try short line style.

Haha thanks CHAIN appreciate the feed and read.

FOR EXODUZT
I've train for this all my life
And it is zero hour, now is my time
eternal glory or the end of the line
we all saw the fireworks of Apollo 9
and all the riches could soon be mine
I calm the hysterical wife saying "it'll be fine"
I remember the challenger disaster of Jan 28
I hope it is quick if that is my fate
My life in the hands of God a test of faith
a giant leap no small step I am about to take
Annoying when I hear "Oh the moon landings are fake"
Soon heading for the stars at quite a rate
we have nicknames within the crew, and I am John
but the crew have started to call me Major Tom
the leader of the team in that David Bowie song
Or at least I think it is unless I am wrong
we are blasting off this planet we're from
any chance of escape has so quickly gone
In the team I have a Russian and a German guy
Two Americans, a Brit and a rich fucking Thai
He paid Millions of pounds to be space bound tonight
we streaking up through the bright blue sky
The reason he'd pay for this I don't know why
I'm pushed back in my seat as we continue to climb
I turn my head to the side which is quite the effort
I see the professionals handling the forces effects
The tourist is moving like hes doing a safety check
As we leave the atmosphere we move around the flight deck
We are floating far beyond the gravity effect

Shanks I am impressed this was a really sound piece or elevation since joining hg has been in leaps an bounds chain an them are definatly helping u a lot its good to are ur taking there advice an using it in your drops stay up an keep elevating