Open Mic: "Lifes Unpredictabilities" |
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Exoduzt 
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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 Topic: "Lifes Unpredictabilities"Posted: 07 April 2014 at 11:02pm |
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Waking up to my pregnant wife every day I'm certain it's luck...
Emerging with lust shes the only person I trust... bursting with love She tells me the baby is really hurting her gut... begs me to stay home claiming I'm working too much... but honey we need the money or its gonna be curtains for us... does it hurt? It most certainly does... to leave my wife when she really needs me the most... She must know I'm serious and not deem it a joke... It's not easy I hope she believes me we're broke... stay strong angel and if your ever needing to cope... with our seedling just know That I'm the driver tonight... If my little girl is early ill be here even if theres fire or ice... My desire is like I couldnt possibly get any higher on life... Hop in my ambulance just another night of saving lives.... An elderly woman dying plus an overdose from crazy lines... It maybe time for me to call it quits the night is almost over... then the call comes in & it's like the world is on my shoulders... Emergency at my address this is the happiest day of my life... My baby is here my baby is here so happy I was sayin it twice!... Turn the sirens on speeding I cant get their fast enough... I'm not even breathing weavin in traffic for this act of love... I dont ask for much except that my daughter is born without a problem... and if there is some I'll be man and strong enough to solve em'... pull up to my house and its like my core just sinks in... why are there so many cops and why is my door kicked in!... before thinkin I run past the cops and see my wife in tears.... I'm terrified as I ask whats wrong despite my fears... I put my arm around her as she screams at the top of her lungs... "DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME STOP IT IM DONE"... "Get him away from me" as I'm takin away I'm consciously numb... What have I possibly done? as the police take me to the side they try & explain... "your wife was attacked & raped" These are lies that lye on my brain... They try & restrain me but I'm in undeniable pain... God must be high or insane no longer will my wife or my life be the same... I got nothing left but inside of my dome I pray... as my wife looks at me and asks why didnt I stay home today.... it crushed me... 1 year later.... I'm dispariged the way life works I miss marriage... I miss my wife and my daughter from her miscarriage... wife committed suicide now I drink and I'm this savage... I lost my wife and daughter I wonder is this average?.... No reason to dream as I think of whats left... I sink into depression as I drink to my death... cheers... |
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nomedic
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Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Posted: 08 April 2014 at 1:02am |
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Yo EXo man damn im lost for words brethren
This was absolutely brilliant and so sad damn This medic was a good guy and his world came Down terribly Flow was perfect the storyline was awesome multis Superb damn liked the suspence involved yo i though he'll takes his Wife to hospital lol what a twist to the tale This was awesome man mad props |
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 08 April 2014 at 5:35pm |
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thanks a lot man!
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Beans
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Joined: 12 October 2013 Location: MA Status: Offline Points: 6718 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 95-24-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 08 April 2014 at 5:43pm |
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.... Whoa!
This was fire Exo. Pictured the whole story in my head man Fuckin sad fucked up shit happens in this world. Your multis were sick. The whole Piece was quotable Like to see this @open mic Of the month Keep it up. |
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1-2 Season 1 Final Champ
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spume corrupt
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Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 08 April 2014 at 7:14pm |
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Classic Exo here
This one was awesome man.......loving those multis on the transitions Horrific outcome to this tragic story......you really told it well Now if I ever see an Exo piece that comes to a nice happy ending with no shock horror twist, well then I shall b shocked
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Trizzy Tre
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Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Posted: 08 April 2014 at 8:08pm |
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Real emotional storyline here Exo. Dope shit.
These kinda verses really arent my thing, but you told the whole story so fucking well. It started off as it got the reader to like the guy and know he was a really good person. Then from there you go through the horrible experience with him. Interesting angle to the story. Your flow was spot on and your inners really helped push this verse. Well done.
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 09 April 2014 at 4:39pm |
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thanks fellas much appreciated
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 10 April 2014 at 1:59am |
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do bumps
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 13 April 2014 at 8:12pm |
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uppin
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Smoothtung
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Posted: 14 April 2014 at 1:38pm |
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Waking up to my pregnant wife every day I'm certain it's luck...
Emerging with lust shes the only person I trust... bursting with love She tells me the baby is really hurting her gut... begs me to stay home claiming I'm working too much... but honey we need the money or its gonna be curtains for us... does it hurt? It most certainly does... This beginning part is delicious, very unique flow pattern and you've really worked out the kinks in the way you word a line.. your bars sound much more natural now and it's becoming lethal. Emergency at my address this is the happiest day of my life... My baby is here my baby is here so happy I was sayin it twice!... Turn the sirens on speeding I cant get their fast enough... I'm not even breathing weavin in traffic for this act of love... This little part is one of my favorites, you let the true you shine through for a moment. They try & restrain me but I'm in undeniable pain... God must be high or insane Love it. the entire 3rd stanza is incredibly strong and the ending was even stronger despite being shorter and comparatively more simple than the rest of the piece. I cant really think of anything to critique, this was for the most part incredibly solid. OMOTM, got my vote. p.s. - sorry it took this long brother.
Edited by Smoothtung - 14 April 2014 at 1:43pm |
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Manc
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Joined: 02 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 7032 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 82-4-2 Form: WWWWNW |
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Posted: 14 April 2014 at 8:49pm |
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Dayummmm!!!
This was fuckin fire! So much imagery, and top flight at that. Multis were on point, internal rhymes were ridiculous, flow was even more crazy, which I KNOW is hard to do when you ave the rhymes there and need to make them chosen words read fluidly. Right from the get go you set it off perfectly. One thing that sets you apart from others is your ability to suck readers in right to the last word - and despite your verses never being too short, you still leave us craving for more. Loved the whole idea behind this too. Your descriptive writing skills are second to none. LI |
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Kiki Spirez
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Joined: 30 December 2008 Location: Chesterfield Status: Offline Points: 4374 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 68-26-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Posted: 14 April 2014 at 11:25pm |
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Pure fire..
Those first 3 bars.. Are you fucking serious? You have people in the OM's rhyming like- I got ambition yo, Gangsta got a vision yo. And you're starting a piece LIKE THAT. Fuck outta here with your talented ass.
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 15 April 2014 at 9:44pm |
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hahaha thanks KI
and everyone else who responded....its much appreciated love the feed on this one
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CHAIN
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Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 15 April 2014 at 10:18pm |
That's a body. |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Posted: 18 April 2014 at 6:20am |
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Heavy story telling. I think I've seen this before from you where you set off a more positive emotion to let the reader feel comfortable with as they read and it takes a turn for the worst and in doing so, the impact of the piece is greater. I admire your topicals a lot. You never look to execute an expected and obvious climax. To explain further, although I did expect the story to turn sour, I obsessed over the obvious outcomes of a such a story like the different variations of the wife dying that I didn't think up a scenario of a random being put into the story to cause the tragedy. I feel it worked very well and really played into the whole dispute the two of them had about the husband working so much in an important way. Goes to show how anything can happen and how depressing and regretful it can make a person feel when they take things for granted. Although the more tragic thing about this story is how the husband was realistically just doing his job that was allowing him to provide for his wife and soon-to-be-born child. A lot of different vibes and reasons and tragedies here. Good stuff, man.
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IZIAH
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Joined: 31 August 2012 Location: alberta, Canada Status: Offline Points: 2041 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-3-1 Form: WLLWLN |
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Posted: 30 April 2014 at 12:00am |
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holy fuck... im very impressed man. this was dope as can be. the emotion in this took my mind and blew it away. this should be a classic bro... the words you used helped a lot to the emotion.. keep it up man... classic!
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~Insight The Inspired~
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Rapper T
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Joined: 25 November 2013 Location: NZ Status: Offline Points: 1423 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 22-27-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 01 May 2014 at 11:22am |
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This was well good and the concept was cool how it spanned a life in the verse, rap druidry in motion right hurr and heartfelt, striking the chord, easy to relate to this verse. Stay up
All dope af but related to this most: begs me to stay home claiming I'm working too much...
but honey we need the money or its gonna be curtains for us... does it hurt? It most certainly does... |
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Exoduzt wrote: