Open Mic: Paranormal Activity

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   Last night I was startled in the dark.
Like a shark I switched into Preditah mode,
Yeah I rose then I chose to chase,
Yet I knew that It wasn't a race.
Whatever was there, was already outta this place.
So I scout the perimeter, just incase.
Nothing there, yet I knew, that I wasnt alone.
Nahh, I could feel it in my bones as I started to lean,
Towards the idea that Im having a dream..
With my head in my hands, digesting things that ive seen.
My girl closes the door, it seems im being obscene, but thats when shit got real, the scene turned surreal, she had her hand on the doorhandle as she started to feel.
The pull on the handle was against her will,
She squeeled, let go, I was ready from the get go, preditah mode!
Average joe would of froze but I chose to know,
But what do I know, when I kick open the door, confronted by a no show, now I got no hope and I cant cope, aint nobody gunna throw me no rope.
So im training my brain to entertain the concept, that Im still sane.
Things are changing and will never be the same...

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Mitch.Wagwaan Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mitch.Wagwaan Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Paranormal Activity Posted: 30 June 2014 at 2:48pm
	Last night I was startled in the dark. Like a shark I switched into Preditah mode, Yeah I rose then I chose to chase, Yet I knew that It wasn't a race. Whatever was there, was already outta this place. So I scout the perimeter, just incase. Nothing there, yet I knew, that I wasnt alone. Nahh, I could feel it in my bones as I started to lean, Towards the idea that Im having a dream.. With my head in my hands, digesting things that ive seen. My girl closes the door, it seems im being obscene, but thats when shit got real, the scene turned surreal, she had her hand on the doorhandle as she started to feel. The pull on the handle was against her will, She squeeled, let go, I was ready from the get go, preditah mode! Average joe would of froze but I chose to know, But what do I know, when I kick open the door, confronted by a no show, now I got no hope and I cant cope, aint nobody gunna throw me no rope. So im training my brain to entertain the concept, that Im still sane. Things are changing and will never be the same...

intrikit Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie I am Vib. Klean Joined: 11 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 370 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-0 Form: WLLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote intrikit Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 6:28pm
	This was a decent read and im surprised you got no feed considering how much feedback you give. I seen that this was dropped last year, so youve obviously elevated since this time. I like how you compared yourself to a shark being startled going into predator mode. I also liked "Towards the idea that Im having a dream..With my head in my hands, digesting things that ive seen.". Really good imagery there and worded well. You kept a decent little flow with a bit of complexity but obviously theres room for improvement there. Work on making your multies stronger. Your structure was good until the " girl closes my door line", I was still able to flow with it but thats definitely a problem for some readers. Cant make it look like a run on sentence.you did the sane error again a couple of lines after that one. But not bad, closer was simple. I still enjoyed this piece.It seems like you have a very basic idea of writing here with all the fundamentals to become a solid writer. You just need to focus on how youll deliver your thoughts now. Think of how you want people to feel when they read your verses.

Mitch.Wagwaan Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mitch.Wagwaan Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 6:47pm
	Thanks for the feed bro. Yeah this was one of my first attempts. I've come on a little since then. Appreciate the feed though.

Storm $hadow Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Storm $hadow Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 7:04pm
	I will be forced to feed this: You always drop feeds on any case you come across.. Busy for now so will do it later

Mitch.Wagwaan Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mitch.Wagwaan Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 7:21pm
	Thanks Sky, but I wouldn't feel inclined to leave feed on this. This is some old shit thats re surfaced. It's nice to see where i was at then and how much I've came on now. Ive got a few pieces I've been biding my time with that are near completion and feed on that would be greatly appreciated.

intrikit Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie I am Vib. Klean Joined: 11 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 370 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-0 Form: WLLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote intrikit Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 7:40pm
	Sorry for bumping this shit man. But I see you always leave feed and barely battle. I felt like you deserved some honest critique.I would of chose a newer piece if you had one, but your om library only has this one listed. But if you do have the new work ill still gladly give it an an analysis.

Storm $hadow Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Storm $hadow Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 9:41pm
	Opener- Last night I was startled in the dark. Like a shark I switched into Preditah mode, This was a very good kickoff, nice n' decent but i'm not a fan of the structure you picked, to be sincere.. The opener made clear how the story began and what is happening buy you lost the flow to me... Content- i admire how you never attempt to stroll out of the content.. You relate the message to one another.. Rhyme- i didnt feel this aspect at all man.. Hope you've elevated this part now.. Wordings- this was quite decent, plain n' smooth.. Your simple words used made it very understandable.. Imagery- You did potrait images in the mind n' head but it wasnt enough considering this is a topical drop.. You've got to make it more real n' vivid.. Closer- The second to the last bar made a little good closer but then, it was if you were still going on with the story the way you placed the last bar.. Overall, this isnt bad!

Mitch.Wagwaan Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mitch.Wagwaan Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 September 2015 at 9:51pm
	Thanks for the feed, Int and Shadow

Sky Scrapur Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sky Scrapur Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2015 at 3:01pm
	Flow is ok. It just needs a bit of multis to make it more enjoyable. Your story is good, none's bad. All needeed is imagery and better vocab. Keep writing.