Open Mic: The Adventures of Red-b part 3 Ft H4ZE |
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Red-B 
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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 Topic: The Adventures of Red-b part 3 Ft H4ZEPosted: 21 July 2014 at 7:19am |
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Red-B
The anchor is lifted by Popeye and the boat sails The deck creaks, getting scared if its float fails tails of sea monsters bringing ships down My mind skips town to think I might drown To calm myself I lean over the edge of railing I notice I've never been but I really love sailing I find relaxation in the creation of a cruse I see a broken life vest that I hope I don't use I choose to lay down and soon I close my eyes Feeling shakes after a good hour I rise Popeyes eating spinach! There must be trouble Off the edge of the boat all I see is flying rubble I rush to the bottom deck fast to see a small hole An octopus smashed thru the wall whole! The ships soul is damaged and to help I start a flame Fire sprouts from my skin, fire you can't tame I run to help kill the creature and get hit hard He got me good knocked out, it scarred I wake up in a chair fifty feet above water My flames put out an' toons lookin like this is slaughter H4ZE: What the hell were you thinking kid, do you ever learn to quit? Yeah that octopus made you angry but you freaking burned the ship! Your purpose is to help save us, yet you're doin' the opposite Now we're losin' because of it, kid you're ruinin' all of this! We were finally beating them and you almost killed us all You almost made the ship sink, you're supposed to seal the walls What you did was stupid, your really lost my respect I should beat your ass, you deserve it, Popeye's upset! Quit begging, after that stunt, you deserve the fate You're worthless aye! You really dont deserve to stay You'll learn today, they say to boot you off of the ship What do you think? you think that we all should forgive? That's not gonna happen, the ship is ruined! Don't sit and try to act like you didn't do it! Don't argue back, I'm your captian for Christ sake you want to be thrown off? If it happens you'll die mate Well why wait?! Let me go get a can of my spinach I crush open the can, eat it, damn its delicious! My arms grow bigger, your time is over with sailing I upper cut is face and watch him fly over the railing. Red-B Falling into the water I gasp my last breath My fire won't work this will be a fast death (SPLASH!) I sink... Trying to escape I'm loosing air I was only just trying to help this isn't fair My breath is running out this is the end for Red-B Just then I saw a pineapple under the sea.... .... .... HG Edited by Red-Bb - 21 July 2014 at 7:46am |
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:23am |
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haha this is fucking dope I love the topic and how you set it up for part 4 at the end, great shit man haha.
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Shankley
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Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:27am |
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Dude can not read it, got code all over it.
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:28am |
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lmao.damn how did this happen
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Shankley
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Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:31am |
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When he edited it, that's when it must have happened. Because at 7 mins you're sayin it dope and then at 6 mins he has edited it.
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:37am |
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alright now its fixed. Good shit B, really creative topic here I fucking loved it lmao. This was really fun to write. I'm looking forward to part 4 keep up the good work man. Peace.
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Red-B
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:37am |
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Fixed sorry everyone
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Red-B
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 7:54pm |
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You to H4ZE thanks for collaborating with me on this one it turned out dope IMO best one yet
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 9:40pm |
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where tf is the feed? Lol
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Elite
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Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 10:05pm |
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This was really dope. Both of y'all brought it to the table on this one. I think this is B's best showcases of writing. He was really into his character and he detailed everything throughout the piece. He also held up a real good flow and threw in some multies to spice up his verse a bit. Again I really think this is B's best writing layout, he just brought it with this one. H4ZE did an awesome job of flowing with this one and was very in detail because of the fact that he is just a natural born topical writer. He through in multies that bettered his flow even more and gave his verse an overall better feel. and as for B's ending with 6 bars, I felt that it was a nice little way to end the rather stong OM.
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U.N.L.M.
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Joined: 19 December 2006 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 1955 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-15-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 10:20pm |
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lmao @ the closing line...
Red-b: A bit simple, but progresses the scene quickly and smoothly...a couple instances threw me off ("got me good, knocked out, it scarred") as I thought the wording was a bit awkward...still, it was a solid verse that set up your adventures...Granted, I haven't read part 1 or 2, but I assume they're also similar silly adventures. I liked the humor of the situation and collab. I think once you get a little more comfortable with your writing/wording and rhymes, you're gonna be a very entertaining read. Keep it up. Haze: dope opener to transition to your verse, nice start...You're writing is a lot more spruced up...Definitely showing a more confident style and it makes for a more interesting read/verse...lmao @ popeye upset line...I thought you did really well with this verse. Worked well within the idea of the collab. Can't say the collab wasn't easy/fun to read. Good drop guys. Always enjoy a comical collab. |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 21 July 2014 at 10:57pm |
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This was cool.
Red - You have basic rhymes and flow. But by having so you actually have a more storyteller approach because you're not focusing on 400 rhymes a minute. You entertain me and I like the way you get in to character and think up your stories. This was much better than part 2 and I'm glad to see the series back on track. LMAO at the closer, can;t wait. H4ZE - Standard fare for you these days. Great flow, confidence and delivery are now not a problem for you in the slightest you have a very definite voice. You're funny when you try to be too which is always a nice skill to have. I often struggle with humour myself so good work. Great collabo guys, lookin forward to the next one.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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Sirius
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Joined: 18 July 2014 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 76 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-0 Form: LWLL |
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 12:53am |
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Highly entertaining read and fluid story telling throughout. My mind was literally animating the cartoon in my minds eye as I read this. H4ze your flow is ridiculous, it flows like water. Props to you both, I'm looking forward to more.
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Ghul
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Joined: 04 July 2014 Location: Pittsburgh Status: Offline Points: 262 |
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 6:31am |
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Red, you are quite the storyteller man. You and Ransom are two guys I like to read because it's like reading a sweet ass book, I don't even care if the shit rhymes haha.
H4ZE, ever since I got here ppl have been talking about how much better you have gotten, but I came in when you were already on that new level. This is no different, really good rhyming showcased here and an ability to be descriptive. Good shit from both of you |
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 6:33am |
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really appreciate all the feed guys! Thanks.
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Red-B
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 6:38am |
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Thanks for the feed everyone means the world to both of us
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nomedic
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 8:31pm |
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Haha volume three lived up to its expectations haha funny read
Lol the story line was synchronized very well lol Red messing the ship up Then popeye knocks him out very original i must say Red your flow was bi different from the last one short and easy to follow i like your technique and you have that tied with good imagery to describe things well H4ZE your addition to this piece was great you had a very solid flow and added to the humour Red had to his verse lol nice work guys this was a solid collab Good work Fellas |
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nigerchu
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Posted: 22 July 2014 at 8:37pm |
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Red, your storytelling skills are pretty good. I think you've been mad improving. Props.
H4ZE, nice add to this piece. Don't got much feed fo you, just what everyone expected. Good flow and rhyming. Overall, nice collab. Stay up.
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 23 July 2014 at 2:27am |
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bump
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Freeda5thDawg
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Posted: 23 July 2014 at 10:21am |
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"Popeye's eating spinach! There must be trouble!"
Hahaha, you guys were hilarious in this one. Really livened up the whole story and it feels like you took it to higher level of hilarity and improvement in plot. Really liked the way it transitioned to H4ZE's character's part and how his verse added a different flavor in writing technique and flow. Thought you both meshed that together well and kept the story interesting and significant to the entire idea you're pulling off here, Red. You both did a very good job delivering sufficient detailed and efficient story-telling verses. The end was a perfect way to set up the next which I'm sure left others looking forward to where this will go. Keep at it.
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