Open Mic: Tha adventures of Red-B Pt.4 |
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 08 August 2014 at 6:18am |
Glass on my head "am I dead" no I'm in a tree dome?
A squirrel talking to me trying to get me home I look out the dome and see two idiots with annoying laughs Blowing bubbles of elephants but calling em Giraffes Spongebob and Patrick those are there names Spongebob has pants that are built in square frames Patrick isn't smart honestly he is real dumb But he's a true friend if you need em' he'll come I'm sandy cheeks mess around there isn't a quick door pass Trust me I'll catch you before you leave and kick your ass... We hear a boom and see a fume from aways Leave the dome cuz it's covered from the haze We spot fire underwater not a typical seeing Can I save them? If I get there become my biblical being We gather up me the sponge star and squirrel Were ready to gut fish to make em hurl We twirl to action headed toward the jelly plains Avoid fishing hooks that they call smelly chains As we get closer my vain's start to burn Thinking about the ship maybe it's smart to turn We approach the fire that is burning in a ship Upside down am I loosing my mind I need to get a grip We walk in doors and I'm surprised to see a stove burning An octopus trying to flip pattys I'm guessing he's learning An attitude he's kinda rude he doesn't realize he caught fire I rush in to help immune to flames I spot wire I throw em out as my desire lessens in my final breath The building explodes but I'm not close to death The building is demolished and I earn praise I use my power to save the day and learn ways Onto my next phase I head to the fishing hooks As I ascend I give everyone goodbye looks I look down at bikini bottom my final view Then get pulled up by a frog that says "how do you do" Mighty pleasant greeting |
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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yo. I thought this was pretty dope man fr, I've been following this series and been a part of it, and the storys you're going through with this series is dope asf man fr, I see you trying to step up your end multis, u had some decent ones, the story telling and imagery is great though, you really kept me interested throughout the whole verse, you've really stepped up your writing a lot since you've joined L.A and it really shows here, you have tons of potential and you're definitely gonna be a beast some day. Good shit.
Keep writing and stay blessed man. peace.
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Yo Red haha this was a sick drop the flow was beautiful imagery was clear topic gave me a few laughs as well i really like the whole volume but i felt like this one was one the best i've seen you keep getting better and better everytime
I see you drop solid piece fam stay up |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Your flow was awesome. I was able to lip smack this shit. Very vivid also which to me is an aspect that is usually left out and underlooked. Over this was a sick drop man. No need to get into detail as you already know that
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Thanks for the feed guys I might be wrong but I'm guessing a lot of you cats aren't to sure about the next adventure it's a extremely old cartoon show
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Dope piece man, read this earlier and really liked it. I liked the topic too. you flowed really well, one of the best flows I've seen from you. I also liked how long it was, kept me hooked to keep reading till the end. Not the absolute best I've seen from you but this is still really good. Good job homie, stay up.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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I think you got some skill rhyming and making the drop move along well
But damn that topic bruva, I gotta be honest reading about an adventure with fucking Spongebob and co was painful Would love to see you do something deeper these kind of miscellaneous drops are to simple for you now Time to bring it up a notch fam Keep up |
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Ghul
Banned Joined: 04 July 2014 Location: Pittsburgh Status: Offline Points: 262 |
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Nice Red, you're storytelling ability is great you just need to work on your technical aspects to improve. Maybe incorporate some more wordplay and some internals as wells as more rhyming syllables throughout your bars. Try some similes and metaphors if they apply to what you're talking about. Remember you can still tell a good story even if you stray from it a line or two with some wordplay. Good work though
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Thanks for the feed guys spume I know how you feel and actually believe it or not it's not a walk I'm the park for "ME" to write these I struggle with the story line and how to lead it up to the next Pt. But anyway yeah I'll do more of these but I am taking a break from this seriers for awhile thanks again both of you for the feed
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Bump this is getting pushed by garbage disses that belong on the battle field page
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Where's the feed?
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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This was a cool drop, pretty smooth flow from start to finish. I'm not too keen on the storyline being it's childish show, and didn't spark my interest as much as a deeper, intricate story would have. On the flip side of that, I thought you did a great job with your references from the show itself as well as the imagery.
The one plus on these adventures though, are you transitions at the end of them. A nice little preview to the sequel. Kingdom hearts like in a way going from show to show, even though that was all disney in that.
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Haha yes law I have anything cartoon like but I never thought of kingdom hearts but that's a perfect example
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m1k3
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2014 Location: USA Status: Offline Points: 171 |
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I think I would've understood this more if I watched Spongebob. I have watched it but only a couple times. Therefore, I can't say much about the content, but you did move the story at a consistent pace.
Technically, it's a decent verse. You used some interesting multis in the first half: Patrick isn't smart honestly he is real dumb But he's a true friend if you need em' he'll come That effort seemed to diminish towards the end though. Basically, what I'm saying is, it seems you have the ability to create a more solid verse. I'll be lookin' out for your future work. |
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Thanks for the feed
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Shankley
Superior Member Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Yeah man I liked this, real good read with nice content. A little "Alice in Wonderland" with all the surreal shit but I think that added to the dopeness. It shown a real good imagination and had a good story line also. Great work B.
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Thanks for the feed shank
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Rb, you want that turkey after I gave a positive feed? So why don't you read up playa and see you just a insecure bitch
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Why don't you read up? "Troll alert a title that was givin to you I don't argue much over the internet not my thing I simply write music and put it up for feedback. You should take your little ass of the site honestly your another child that only causes problems how about fucking rap! Get off my adventures think there childish? Should suit you well considering the way you act.
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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I owe you this one, Red. Sorry for the late reply. |
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