Open Mic: Where the thunder hides |
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Skep 
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Joined: 08 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 498 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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 Topic: Where the thunder hidesPosted: 27 January 2015 at 5:32pm |
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I'm chilling in the shadows with death at my crib
Walk a mile in my shoes, step in my shit Love quips, I'm wrecking that shit While the weight tends to wait an press on my lids Lash out, lashed back, eye lash of trashed guy While I question your method and ask why? Question a question, the pressure and time The lessons in question, prepare for the landslide Speed thinker, I'm always racing with thought Living for the reaper when I'm chasing a plot A man simply believing he's embracing the cost Of a dream, then it bleeds his esteem, erasing him off Running from the past, two stepping with the wind Left questioning my sins, then I figured out- Destiny's a bitch How my son's left guessing if it's him? So I guess wrestling with this is reflecting on my kid My mind weighs heavy on this shit, it's a burden on my thoughts Might as well go and urine on my plot, Cuz`my hearts purpose is certain that it stopped Pumping blood, trusting love, it's a servant to the cost A version that is lost, lost between the darkest hour You could say the truth scares me like an honest coward Harvest flowers, when I'm searching for the other side Where the colors fly around the little place where thunder hides |
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Live Battle Artist The True Audio Champ Verbal Assassin |
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Brimstone
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Joined: 02 January 2015 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 159 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWLLLL |
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Posted: 28 January 2015 at 2:35am |
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You conveyed the thoughts that a father would have well, and that felt personable. The piece also had good flow throughout, I would only ask for you to be a little cleaner with the word choice, such as when you rhymed shit, with shit.
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T-Ripper
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Joined: 29 October 2014 Location: New Delhi Status: Offline Points: 158 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-2-0 Form: WLWL |
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Posted: 28 January 2015 at 5:29am |
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Nice content there. I liked how I could see a man spitting out and conveying his emotions. The flow was pretty good too. However, you definitely could have had a better rhyme scheme and more multis to help with your flow. Apart from that, it's a nice drop.
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Ransom
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Joined: 30 June 2014 Location: 7 Citys Status: Offline Points: 911 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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Posted: 28 January 2015 at 11:20am |
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I love the flow here bro, Smooth as butter homie. It painting the feeling of racing thoughts and every bar lead directly into the next. Most def dope shit famo..
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~Lyrical Death Dealer~
"The Mike Myers of Papyrus" |
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Skep
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Joined: 08 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 498 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Posted: 28 January 2015 at 4:03pm |
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Appreciated.
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Live Battle Artist The True Audio Champ Verbal Assassin |
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The Poet
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Joined: 09 January 2015 Status: Offline Points: 80 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-0-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 29 January 2015 at 6:31am |
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nicely done Skep, yep the flow was pretty smooth, enjoyed reading this... keep it up man, dope!
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Slap Banger
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Posted: 29 January 2015 at 7:15am |
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The story's dope man, just work on your end rhymes.
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Words words words my Lord, just words
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fiendishfriend
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Joined: 04 June 2014 Location: minnesota Status: Offline Points: 103 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
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Posted: 29 January 2015 at 1:50pm |
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Good story about someone whose lost hope
What is your dream? Have an idea of what you want To accomplish and then fill in the framework from there. Elaborate on this person and his feelings. Maybe This isn't you but a part of you. Maybe this person Represents a certain side of you. He is a symbol then Keep it simple and build |
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fiendishfriend
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Posted: 29 January 2015 at 1:51pm |
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I like the 'two stepping in the wind' part also
Good imagery |
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Skep
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Joined: 08 July 2014 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 498 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Posted: 02 February 2015 at 8:49pm |
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Appreciated
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Live Battle Artist The True Audio Champ Verbal Assassin |
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daydizzle89
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Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 03 February 2015 at 2:24pm |
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I'm chilling in the shadows with death at my crib
Walk a mile in my shoes, step in my shit^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice little opener, I don't get where your going with this Love quips, I'm wrecking that shit While the weight tends to wait an press on my lids^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This was nice, I liked the usage of vocabulary and rhymes Lash out, lashed back, eye lash of trashed guy While I question your method and ask why? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice usage of wording and how you placed the words on the first bar. Pretty nice The lessons in question, prepare for the landslide ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ this was pretty slick Living for the reaper when I'm chasing a plot ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This was pretty nice. I felt like so far this is supposed to be read fast. Of a dream, then it bleeds his esteem, erasing him off^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bam, liked the was you carried over the first line nice transistioning Left questioning my sins, then I figured out- Destiny's a bitch^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Liked the "two stepping" part of the first line and the second bar was a perfect closing to the first line How my son's left guessing if it's him? So I guess wrestling with this is reflecting on my kid ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ damn, nice bar right her. Pretty to the point My mind weighs heavy on this shit, it's a burden on my thoughts Might as well go and urine on my plot, ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice first line. Using "weigh" "heavy" and "Burden" to emphasize how you are feeling. The second line could have been worded better and maybe thought out a little more
Cuz`my hearts purpose is certain that it stopped ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bam, nice usage of rhymes and the multis made this read smooth. Defo liked this bAR A version that is lost, lost between the darkest hour That last line was hella dope. Nice way to twist this Harvest flowers, when I'm searching for the other side ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Nice ender. Defo nice Overall - This was pretty good brothaman. One thing I was kind ehhh about was the duplication of words being used. It worked ok but it kind threw off the flow. This was still a pretty dope piece and came off very poetic. KEEP AT IT
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