Open Mic: Down the Rabbit Hole

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    Posted: 11 February 2015 at 10:50pm
Down the Rabbit Hole (battle against sage)

Whoops! There I go again back down the rabbit hole
another drop of acid, a couple shrooms that I snack and go
back into wonderland, envisioning this elegant forest
My brain has my surroundings and elements porous
A world with talking cats, a man with hats pure and old
And this beautiful broad alice that I'm sure to hold
She takes on this journey through this wonderful world
With giant shrooms, blue and red with voluptuous swirls
Plants so eloquent, must be the home the ruta
Rabbits in suits, and caterpillars blowing the hookah
This was a land of love, a land of drugs, a land I didn't want to leave
What alice and I could achieve, all the things we could conceive
But there was something off, something troubling standing in my path
Something coming that's commanding with a wrath
A women in a victorian dress, hair like embers in a pit
The plants and animals curled up and tremor in her midst
She's got the temper of a bitch when she enters where I sit
She was pissed, to see us together with our wits

"What do you think your doing with this beautiful rabbit,
Alice is my pet, she's my girl, she's my alice
Don't even look at her, your intentions are sick and fucking evil
and I know what your doing, why don't you stick your dick in other people"

I turned to alice in front of this women, ran my lips down her ear
"It's okay, she won't hurt you, you have nothing to fear
Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone
I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone
We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose
She was so tight within seconds busting was close
The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone
So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat
The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked
Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked. 
I laid their and looked over at alice with my declining lovely acid
Took her in and squeezed, this white, shining, bunny rabbit
When I looked on the other side, it was horrid, but I resisted instead
I couldn't bare to face the fact that my sister was dead
So before CNN sees another classic sick fuck on the run
I reached in my pocket and dropped another acid strip on my tongue

oops.. I went down the wrong rabbit hole!!

Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote d.o.c. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 February 2015 at 11:48pm
Lol enjoyed this felt like I read it in a different forum a while ago. Didbu battle sage on another forum by any chance? Anyways this was dip and I enjoyed the read hope to see more from u in the future. Thanks again for the read.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2015 at 2:17pm

Whoops! There I go again back down the rabbit hole
another drop of acid, a couple shrooms that I snack and go
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Nice Opener, I liked the second line because it already
paints a picture on whats about to happen. Also,
Rhymed well and flowed
 
 
back into wonderland, envisioning this elegant forest
My brain has my surroundings and elements porous
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Liked how your emphasizing on your mental state and
Acid sure does bring you to wonderlands. Flow
and rhymes were tight knit.
 
A world with talking cats, a man with hats pure and old
And this beautiful broad alice that I'm sure to hold
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Not feeling the rhyming and flow on this line. Seemed
short. Anywho, I like who you are now bringing
in Alice and the Topic at hand
 
She takes on this journey through this wonderful world
With giant shrooms, blue and red with voluptuous swirls
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Really liked the flow on this and the vocab is starting
to pick up and so is the story
 
Plants so eloquent, must be the home the ruta
Rabbits in suits, and caterpillars blowing the hookah
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You make your topicals abstract yet vivid. Nice wording
and flow is still consistent. Well done, lol at caterpillars
blowing the hookah
 
This was a land of love, a land of drugs, a land I didn't want to leave
What alice and I could achieve, all the things we could conceive
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I didn't like the flow on this bar. I read it three times. I did how ever
like the smooth use of using the same word over and over. You pulled
that off well. Also, liked how you are incorporating Alice into the picture more.
 
 
But there was something off, something troubling standing in my path
Something coming that's commanding with a wrath
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Liked the multis and inners in this bar. I also see that your
now switching the story up from and adding an antagonist. Clever
 
 
A women in a victorian dress, hair like embers in a pit
The plants and animals curled up and tremor in her midst
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Vivid description of the character and you did it in one bar. Good shit. Flow was
transitioned smoothly here.
 
 
She's got the temper of a bitch when she enters where I sit
She was pissed, to see us together with our wits
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Not feeling the second line. Do you seen where it came off
beat a little? The flow wasn't choppy, it seemed to have
suddenly stopped right there.

"What do you think your doing with this beautiful rabbit,
Alice is my pet, she's my girl, she's my alice
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Nice move using the quotes and engaging
the other character in this. Well done
 
 
Don't even look at her, your intentions are sick and fucking evil
and I know what your doing, why don't you stick your dick in other people"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
lol, im not gonna comment on this. Fuck it, yeah I am. I liked the comical
feeling this bar gave off. It made the made your character come off
immature. Defo ok because the person is on acid.
 

 
I turned to alice in front of this women, ran my lips down her ear
"It's okay, she won't hurt you, you have nothing to fear
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Your very descriptive an and it shows with even this
simplistic bar. Well done on getting your picture painted
with ease. Nicee
 
 
Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone
I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Liked the rhymes and  flow in this.
 
We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose
She was so tight within seconds busting was close
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
haha, liked the usage of vocabulary and the word placement
 
 
The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone
So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Im nik picking, because your very good at topicals. This seemed out
of place from the bar above. I am not catching this.
 
The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked
Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Nice was to remind the readers that you were still on Acid. Also
some good imagery
 
I laid their and looked over at alice with my declining lovely acid
Took her in and squeezed, this white, shining, bunny rabbit
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lmfao, nice.  good shit here fella
 
When I looked on the other side, it was horrid, but I resisted instead
I couldn't bare to face the fact that my sister was dead
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Holy fuck, what? Nice fucking twist. It keeps
someone from getting tired and from them to
stop reading. Good shit.
 
So before CNN sees another classic sick fuck on the run
I reached in my pocket and dropped another acid strip on my tongue
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bamn, that fight or flight response. Liked the way this has changed
course. Your wording and vocabulary, good shit
 
 

oops.. I went down the wrong rabbit hole!!
 
Very creative piece. You hit this one out the park. Hope you like the feed brothaman
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2015 at 9:53pm
Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2015 at 9:50am

Am I late?  Just been super busy tbh.

I totally LOVED it. I found it super creative the way you portrayed it. You opened it with some sick imagery which kept me hooked till the end. And I super lol'd at "stick your dick in the people" bar. Your story telling was beautiful and flow was nice.

Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone
I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone
We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose
She was so tight within seconds busting was close
The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone
So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat
The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked
Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked.

That was perfectly portrayed. Some sick shit right there. It was simple yet affective.




Good work bro...



Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ransom Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2015 at 9:12pm
HA HAA funny shit Law, well written and flawlessly vivid. The story quickly took an intriguing twist and had my attention.. Ending was dope, sick, gross and well written..

Good shit bro 
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Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Oro Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 February 2015 at 7:12pm
First off I'd like to say  I like your perception of Alice in wonderland being one huge trip >.<

Originally posted by The Law The Law wrote:

Down the Rabbit Hole (battle against sage)

Whoops! There I go again back down the rabbit hole
another drop of acid, a couple shrooms that I snack and go
back into wonderland, envisioning this elegant forest
My brain has my surroundings and elements porous
A world with talking cats, a man with hats pure and old
And this beautiful broad alice that I'm sure to hold
She takes on this journey through this wonderful world
With giant shrooms, blue and red with voluptuous swirls

Opener was relatively decent, I felt the 'snack and go' felt somewhat forced though. Your descriptive writing was really nice, felt as if I was reading the book but it had been put into rhyme :)  

Originally posted by The Law The Law wrote:

Plants so eloquent, must be the home the ruta
Rabbits in suits, and caterpillars blowing the hookah
This was a land of love, a land of drugs, a land I didn't want to leave
What alice and I could achieve, all the things we could conceive
But there was something off, something troubling standing in my path
Something coming that's commanding with a wrath
A women in a victorian dress, hair like embers in a pit
The plants and animals curled up and tremor in her midst
She's got the temper of a bitch when she enters where I sit
She was pissed, to see us together with our wits 

First two lines here felt rushed (I mean it felt as if you could of drawn a lot more from the subjects). The following two bars were sweet; flowed really well and read as if they were part of the original story of a dream-state world - they actually reminded me a bit of lucid dreaming ( IE limitless). Your bars about the Queen of Hearts seemed to start off strong but got gradually weaker.

Originally posted by The Law The Law wrote:

"What do you think your doing with this beautiful rabbit,
Alice is my pet, she's my girl, she's my alice
Don't even look at her, your intentions are sick and fucking evil
and I know what your doing, why don't you stick your dick in other people"

Nice touch with the 'voice-over'; middle wasn't all that great but the comedy in your closing line here bumped it back up.

Originally posted by The Law The Law wrote:

I turned to alice in front of this women, ran my lips down her ear
"It's okay, she won't hurt you, you have nothing to fear
Show her your love for me, and she'll leave us alone
I moved alice closer and started reaching my bone
We kissed, and I could feel her peach fuzz touching my nose
She was so tight within seconds busting was close
The women got red hot, came in and rushed in my zone

This verse was slightly corrupt hah but nether-the-less funny. I think you rhyming words were a little simple but overall it made me laugh (which is what I figure you intended >.<)

Originally posted by The Law The Law wrote:

So I reached out and squeezed, starting clutching her throat
The drugs started to wear and her oxygen was cut as she choked
Poor alice sat their scared and shaken, watched til she croaked. 
I laid their and looked over at alice with my declining lovely acid
Took her in and squeezed, this white, shining, bunny rabbit
When I looked on the other side, it was horrid, but I resisted instead
I couldn't bare to face the fact that my sister was dead
So before CNN sees another classic sick fuck on the run
I reached in my pocket and dropped another acid strip on my tongue

oops.. I went down the wrong rabbit hole!!

A few brutal bars here you started off with, both vicious and flowed well. A nice little hidden 'surprise' here also which was nice; it breathed a bit more life into the rhyme as it was coming to the end - nicely done.

Overall: A brutal and vicious rhyme that portrayed the Alice in Wonderland world very well (in your own way of course). Though it was based of an existing story your creativity levels were high and kept me interested throughout because of it. 

Dark, comedy... nicely done.
Impossible is an excuse the weak use to justify giving up.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2015 at 5:05pm
Thank you for the good feedback oro. 
I really appreciate it. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote VanillaKilla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 February 2015 at 8:16am

This was very creative and enjoyed reading it. The flow and energy was great, and provided a good twist at the end. I like how the last line reflected the title- great rap and can't wait to see more from you!

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Geeza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 February 2015 at 1:54pm
Bro that is fuckin fantastic, absolutely class fair play too ya.
The whole thing was tight but that first verse was unreal, so fucking technical and just very well done!!
I think when it started too get too the sex part the rhyming skill and your multis suffered, but you made it work with a great story!
Props too you man, thats talent!
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