Open Mic: Thank You

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Geeza View Drop Down
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    Posted: 16 April 2015 at 11:54am
Thank you

My thanks too you all for ya'll have helped feed an old flame
I know to be a bold claim but I've cleaned the mold stain
someone watered my weak withered roots i planted as a yout'
reborn once again as a lyrical brute puns too boot
no dispute my last battle was a KO Ive never known this route
I didn't put my heart in it my half assed attempts was less fruit (fruitless)
in time I always address truths I made the wrong chess moves
and that blemish on my stats when I was defeated
is now my reminder that it can never be repeated
from this day I give my best at any who stand before me
live for fans and glory come at me if you can handle gory
and the rest I'll simply brand your chest with my family crest,
cus at my best I'm a man possessed I'm a tin o' whoop-ass your a can of mess
my master plan entails defeating opposition from the foetal position
still led down after I eat all competition I ain't a bug but I got a beat-all composition,
but till the day I depart on deaths path I'll describe e my days as dark
the gas in my lighter was nearly gone but there remains a spark
this ball of fire too fall empires rule entire worlds with  an cool attire
this is my neck of the woods an I ain't just some fool from the 'shire
so hear me or fear me just steer clear of me cus from today I'm taking shit seriously
this is called thanks an I mean it sincerely my word is my bond an I guard it fiercely
I got that feeling to pick up pen and try harder as I'm reborn again
like Buddha with less zen I'm facing demons an I'm out to best them
too long I've doubted my ability put my faith in my agility
run from fears in the proximity like a cage I'm locked in ya see
but you'll picked the lock of liberty Lucifer's about to be rid of me
I'm heading to the vicinity of content where all the silly g's repent
so cheers for loosening my shackles and oiling my hinges in those previous battles
there was just so many obstacles in my path to tackle just good too know you got my back all.
so thanks, thats all.
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Alpha&Omega View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Alpha&Omega Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 April 2015 at 8:34pm
I definitely like this piece. You've got skills. I like the message of this rhyme. You got defeated, but you are learning from your mistakes and getting back at it with a drive to do even better is what I got from this. I thought the multi-syllables were good. I thought the flow was good also. 

too long I've doubted my ability put my faith in my agility
run from fears in the proximity like a cage I'm locked in ya see
but you'll picked the lock of liberty Lucifer's about to be rid of me
I'm heading to the vicinity of content where all the silly g's repent

I loved these four bars the most, but I really wish you didn't use "silly g's." However, this rhyme was great. I enjoyed it! 
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Naga View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Naga Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 April 2015 at 5:00pm
I liked this Geeza, you have a good sense of flow and your couplets never failed to drop on point. Perhaps find alternative words or reconfigure areas were you feel your meaning isn't getting across, e.g. when you had to bracket 'fruitless' - just be sure of what you're putting down, thats it really.
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Geeza View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Geeza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 April 2015 at 12:44pm
Bump?
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