Open Mic: With a passion |
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ImmortalViolet
Newbie Joined: 03 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 15 |
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Posted: 03 May 2015 at 8:39am |
So what hits
me in the chest is no one gives a fuck
If someone’s
feeling down or suicidal or just had enough
It’s a faze
or your crazed is what you all say
Or bully him
or her because she said she was gay
Well when
the fuck did we start being judgmental
When did we
forget we were all equal?
Life is a journey
is a mystery is a sequel
Aint going
to be much if were all feeding with the devil
No one’s
higher or superior to the clouds above
Everyone has
a choice to share and voice their love
Everybody has
the strength to get up and say
No don’t do
that walk the other way
So you don’t
give a shit bout the country you live in
If you did you’d
support how we living
Not causing trouble,
mischief being the villain
Were stupid
and naïve
Easily gullible easily deceived
Unable to live in love unable to live in peace
And we wonder why it’s hard to breath
Because people talk shit
To the air that we breathe
Toxic now just like me
Can’t trust no one
Can’t be free
Need to be chained
Before you know the feel of free
Am I wasting
my time should I just give up?
On the
people that cut suicidal depressed… girls who throw up their guts?
Should I stop
trying? Just like you
Should I let
them fall …. Like you did too?
No ima stand
tall like a soldier
Reach for their
hand like god before ya
Tell me this
If war broke
out and no one was loyal
People
killing people.. Be a blood bath of survival
What about
your family’s your child?
Yo if we can’t
be supportive like I know we can
We going to
be alone
With no friends..
It’s going to be dark when the lights go out
No one going
to reply when you shout out
Because no one’s
ready to help a aussie out
There’s not
enough good people in this world
And there’s
not enough people to save themselves
I guess will
burn in hell
(Nothing
should be wrong)
(Nothing
should be perfect)
(But nothing
should be getting to a stage of hurting)
(Everyone’s
got problems)
(It’s up to
you to solve it )
(Nothing
wrong with asking for help)
(Don’t think
you don’t deserve it )
Respect is a
virtue
Trust is a
gift
Help me help
you
Figure out
this
Why should
we suffer?
Staying
under cover
Locked inside,
to protect our life?
Where are
our equal rights?
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Strong drop. Can tell you've been writing a while, you've got a clear "voice" in your written and you are super focused on the content, as in, you are clear that you want to say something and you do it in an eloquent way. Often times you find that a verse isn't particularly well thought out, people just have a vague idea and rhyme around a concept but it felt like you were focused on your key message throughout. I liked your use of imagery, again, it's clear you understand how hat works...I think you could possibly do more there in terms of making it more advanced, but it's tough to say on the back of one drop, because essentially they felt quite 'conceptual' and sometimes you can use imagery to add grit/realism/emotional depth too...but that wouldn't have necessarily matched the approach you were going for. I'd say that means it comes across a little stand-offish, but again, that's hard to tell if you meant it to be like that or not. I also like how you messed with the form, breaking down into shorter lines to make your point, that's another good tool to have in your drawer.
I think the main way I'd try and improve it would be the rhymes, you had an ultra basic one syllable approach to rhyme scheme whereas I think you need to aiming for at least 3 at a minimum...just throws me off a little bit as it reads more like a poem than a written. That is relatively easy to learn though, you have a lot of the more advanced/difficult components so it's just a matter of time invested in the forum to pick that up. Good drop. |
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ImmortalViolet
Newbie Joined: 03 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 15 |
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Thanks, Cuba
I have been raping for a while , Its just the site that's new to me and thanks for the feedback will be sure to use it :) I do believe tho that my style could have been a bit better with its rhyme and motion and glad you agree. But this was just a strong passionate piece I felt obligated to share. Again thanks for the read ImmortalViolet
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SageOne
Standard Member Joined: 12 June 2006 Location: At Your House Status: Offline Points: 2976 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 34-13-2 Form: WLWLLL |
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Rhymes could be better. work on your rhyme scheme and structure. Good content and I enjoyed the realness of this. Just work on rhyming and structure. You've got the materials, now build your mansion.
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