Open Mic: With a passion

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ImmortalViolet View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote ImmortalViolet Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: With a passion
    Posted: 03 May 2015 at 8:39am

So what hits me in the chest is no one gives a fuck

If someone’s feeling down or suicidal or just had enough

It’s a faze or your crazed is what you all say

Or bully him or her because she said she was gay

Well when the fuck did we start being judgmental

When did we forget we were all equal?

Life is a journey is a mystery is a sequel  

Aint going to be much if were all feeding with the devil

 

No one’s higher or superior to the clouds above

Everyone has a choice to share and voice their love

Everybody has the strength to get up and say

No don’t do that walk the other way

So you don’t give a shit bout the country you live in

If you did you’d support how we living

Not causing trouble, mischief being the villain

Were stupid and naïve

 Easily gullible easily deceived

 Unable to live in love unable to live in peace

 And we wonder why it’s hard to breath

 Because people talk shit

 To the air that we breathe

 Toxic now just like me

 Can’t trust no one

 Can’t be free

 Need to be chained

 Before you know the feel of free

 

Am I wasting my time should I just give up?

On the people that cut suicidal depressed… girls who throw up their guts?

Should I stop trying?  Just like you

Should I let them fall …. Like you did too?

No ima stand tall like a soldier

Reach for their hand like god before ya

 

Tell me this

If war broke out and no one was loyal

People killing people.. Be a blood bath of survival

What about your family’s your child?

Yo if we can’t be supportive like I know we can

We going to be alone

With no friends.. It’s going to be dark when the lights go out

No one going to reply when you shout out

Because no one’s ready to help a aussie out

There’s not enough good people in this world

And there’s not enough people to save themselves

I guess will burn in hell

 

(Nothing should be wrong)

(Nothing should be perfect)

(But nothing should be getting to a stage of hurting)

(Everyone’s got problems)

(It’s up to you to solve it )

(Nothing wrong with asking for help)

(Don’t think you don’t deserve it )

 

 

Respect is a virtue

Trust is a gift

Help me help you

Figure out this

Why should we suffer?

Staying under cover

Locked inside, to protect our life?

Where are our equal rights?

 

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Cuba View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2015 at 8:55am
Strong drop. Can tell you've been writing a while, you've got a clear "voice" in your written and you are super focused on the content, as in, you are clear that you want to say something and you do it in an eloquent way. Often times you find that a verse isn't particularly well thought out, people just have a vague idea and rhyme around a concept but it felt like you were focused on your key message throughout. I liked your use of imagery, again, it's clear you understand how hat works...I think you could possibly do more there in terms of making it more advanced, but it's tough to say on the back of one drop, because essentially they felt quite 'conceptual' and sometimes you can use imagery to add grit/realism/emotional depth too...but that wouldn't have necessarily matched the approach you were going for. I'd say that means it comes across a little stand-offish, but again, that's hard to tell if you meant it to be like that or not. I also like how you messed with the form, breaking down into shorter lines to make your point, that's another good tool to have in your drawer.

I think the main way I'd try and improve it would be the rhymes, you had an ultra basic one syllable approach to rhyme scheme whereas I think you need to aiming for at least 3 at a minimum...just throws me off a little bit as it reads more like a poem than a written. That is relatively easy to learn though, you have a lot of the more advanced/difficult components so it's just a matter of time invested in the forum to pick that up.

Good drop.
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ImmortalViolet View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote ImmortalViolet Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2015 at 11:50am
Thanks, Cuba
 
I have been raping for a while , Its just the site that's new to me and thanks for the feedback will be sure to use it :) I do believe tho that my style could have been a bit better with its rhyme and motion and glad you agree. But this was just a strong passionate piece I felt obligated to share.
 
Again thanks for the read
 
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SageOne View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SageOne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2015 at 11:58am
Rhymes could be better. work on your rhyme scheme and structure. Good content and I enjoyed the realness of this. Just work on rhyming and structure. You've got the materials, now build your mansion.
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