Open Mic: Part of my story

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Who would have thought 
 We would forget what we were tough
 That we would let evil spread in our thoughts 
 Forgetting friendships that were never brought 
 Life now days is cursed from money and people cut short 

 Trading tears for fears but yet i never knew 
 The fact she was in pain and bruises were blue 
 Red stains marked the halls and floors 
 Daddy must have been angry to cause the pain done in vain 
 Love and trust gone down the drain 
 She had big dreams .... for fame and good change 
 But never got through the dark days that haunted her stuck on a wave 

 But while she would always stand tall everything that stands 
 Has got to fall . and everything that lives has to die 
 And every time your  sad... tears stream down from your eyes 

 mommy left me age of 2  when from home to home 
 To creeps i barley knew 
 Suffered from abuse and touched untrue 
 How do you forgive... when its not just happened to you 

 I swear to god if theirs a lord above 
 Make me a cover of undying love
 Make me a world with only peace 
 No dark souls coming from underneath 
 But now hope is gone and i'm in disbelief
 Its no wonder i cant go to sleep 
 I'm in to deep 
 my feet don't touch the ground .. earth don't meet my feet 
 Life or death was how it felt 

 You have no idea what pain is unless you got dealt
 But still i won't and still i fight 
 But at the end of the day ... you die 
 closed eyed  

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ImmortalViolet Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 03 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote ImmortalViolet Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Part of my story Posted: 06 May 2015 at 11:34pm
	Who would have thought We would forget what we were tough That we would let evil spread in our thoughts Forgetting friendships that were never brought Life now days is cursed from money and people cut short Trading tears for fears but yet i never knew The fact she was in pain and bruises were blue Red stains marked the halls and floors Daddy must have been angry to cause the pain done in vain Love and trust gone down the drain She had big dreams .... for fame and good change But never got through the dark days that haunted her stuck on a wave But while she would always stand tall everything that stands Has got to fall . and everything that lives has to die And every time your sad... tears stream down from your eyes mommy left me age of 2 when from home to home To creeps i barley knew Suffered from abuse and touched untrue How do you forgive... when its not just happened to you I swear to god if theirs a lord above Make me a cover of undying love Make me a world with only peace No dark souls coming from underneath But now hope is gone and i'm in disbelief Its no wonder i cant go to sleep I'm in to deep my feet don't touch the ground .. earth don't meet my feet Life or death was how it felt You have no idea what pain is unless you got dealt But still i won't and still i fight But at the end of the day ... you die closed eyed

A-one AR Royalty Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Banned Joined: 19 February 2015 Status: Offline Points: 123	Post Options Post Reply Quote A-one AR Royalty Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 May 2015 at 12:21am
	ImmortalV this was a honest straight from the depths of a soul OM. Thanks for sharing something much more than just pure entertainment. I learn a great deal from your art. Nice work. Keep building new material. You have potential. AR

ImmortalViolet Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 03 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 15	Post Options Post Reply Quote ImmortalViolet Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 May 2015 at 1:04am
	Thanks so much AR. Its true rap is for entertainment but also passion, sadness, memories, its a form of gateway on expressive a feeling memory or emotion.. that's why I put something of my own up

SageOne Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 12 June 2006 Location: At Your House Status: Offline Points: 2976 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 34-13-2 Form: WLWLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote SageOne Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 May 2015 at 1:52pm
	When I read this to me at least, it just screams amateur! Not a bad thing at all, who knows maybe you've done this for years. The content Is there, the emotion and even imagery is all there. I find myself drawing empathy and context in my own life with some of the lines you've written here however your flow and cadence and rhyme scheme are the epitome of what I see in every amateur poet and believe me I've seen hundreds. Literally hundreds. Just work on your flow so that your poetry rides out better, you've got stretched bars next to short bars... work on that and I can see you growing in to quite the writer. Best of luck. don't give up.