Open Mic: death?
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ImmortalViolet View Drop Down
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    Posted: 10 May 2015 at 9:07am
Death killed the flowers and caused the rain
I sore the beauty when he caused me pain
Took my sister and I’m to blame
A legend called death now I pump up my chest
Walking to darkness I want to meet him
Walking through the snow I want that feeling
He don’t have a heartbeat, But I don’t either
Want to warm my hands in the coal of hells fire
And I tire in blood and fire with an eye of desire to be a part of an empire

Sucking up souls like a pump
He’s cutting trees leaving no stump
He’s taking oxygen and killing us slowly
Killing crops with a poisonous trophy starving us closely
Death won’t wait for one body on the hunt to kill all souls of the city
Number 50 was smithy with a son and a wife
Death enters there home with a blade and tie
Messy and unclean death leaves the murder scene with souls for his team
Feeding his demons with graceful sins which starts the engines for terrible things
http://forum.rapdogs.com/editpost.php?p=690420&do=editpost -
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queensavage View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote queensavage Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2015 at 3:48pm
im gonna be honest here because i want you to be able to improve!
I feel like this is kinda week as a rap ...what i mean by this is that it dosent really have a flow its more of a poem now dont get me wrong some poetry fits the standards of rap but this is preatty week come back with something stronger!
(Q_S)
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Illadel View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Illadel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2015 at 7:54pm
I agree it had a poetry feel to it...I like the message only gripe would be flow. The lines could have flown together better. Nice drop nonetheless
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Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
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Form: LLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2015 at 9:33am
Agree with the others. Not bad by any means, just not really a rap IMO. If you're trying to write poetry though write shorter lines.

one bar really bugs me
"Want to warm my hands in the coal of hells fire 
And I tire in blood and fire with an eye of desire to be a part of an empire"
i appreciate internals but not repetition that close together

also not a problem with the verses at all, i just hate people using the wrong words
its "saw" not "sore" and "their" not "there"
unless you were using sore intentionally to relate it with "pain", but "saw" does that just fine if the audience is intelligent enough.

not used to giving feedback on rap so maybe im completely wrong but thats just how I see it. Come back stronger next time :) peace
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