Open Mic: Struggles Of A Psychopath

--- Struggles Of A Psychopath ---
--- By The Rap Daemon ---

"Errr, Mr... Mr. P. Warrington?"

NOT TOO LONG AFTER

"Look, I don't need counselling.
"What would really help is a house to live!
"So I can finally look after my spouse 'n' kids.
"I do what I do 'coz I'm not allowed to give.
"So I just *take*, and the blood I'm not about to ditch
"I only do that shit to keep me around in this
"Life that I'm living, 'coz there's still hope in the frowning bitch
"Even though buried under all this doubt 'nd shit"

This guy... He never got a lot
Not even a supporting family, they wouldn't stop the rot
And things got even worse when he lost his job
The only shit he seemed to get was some pop from cops
The pain and the hurt soon got too much for him
All he wanted was love but his family had no fucks to give
'Coz he was always quick tempered and they didn't think much of him
And he soon gave into drugs and alcohol to lock it in
Mr. Warrington never wanted 'em, but he needed them
As much as he once did his family but now it's needless
It was soon too late
Because the problems and the mess in his head became too great
He was too dirty to clean up - to turn over a new slate
Even counsellors couldn't help, and his homeless new mates
All they could do is a bit of weed and then pass it away
To relax the strain and to get the pain and send it packing away
Even though it made them more paranoid you could see them passing away
Each day, they watched their own lives passing away
Their bones like a tree branch waiting to snap and decay
They would drive themselves off the right path; without a track to follow
And the pill that says it's over was a tough snap to swallow
And Mr. P. Warrington had spent enough cash to stash a place
To crash and stay and call his home but he saw it smoke off
'Coz all he wanted now was a bong to easily smoke pot
That was his ornament that meant his life - stuck in the melting pot
He stopped seeing the counsellors as they couldn't help him stop
And he couldn't crawl out, and the only one to end the misery
Was the Grim Reaper, which for him was a bliss to see

"Thanks", he said, "Death is a gift to me
"'Coz I had no life anyway, so it is really
"'Coz I can finally do what I've always wanted to do"
His last words he drew
"Now I can watch over my spouse 'n' kids and ensure that they live in peace".

Dam bro. Its evident you are not new to this. This was a well writtem piece. Flow was decent and concept was dope. For me, i enjoyed the opening half more.
For constructive critisizm, id like you to incorporate transitions.
Ill keep an eye on you. Stay active and keep droping.
Ps.you gotta give feed to get feed. Just saying

Yeah bro. But .. Er.. Since you have such a positive attitude (rare sight these days), I'd like to ellaborate on my feed for you to get the best of out of it.

The first paragraph had dope use of multis. They came off very natural and were perfectly placed to start the verse off. Flow was also nice, but there were places where you could add a syllable or two to get the flow completely flawless.


The 2nd part was inch perfect untill this line;
"Coz he was always quick tempered and they didn't think much of him"
After this, it felt like the flow has started to stumble ( not that it was weak but it was more noticeable due to the critera you set above). Then you picked up the flow and again it bounced a little.

Flow wise, The last part could be better tho. Im only stressing on flow because its such an important part of rap. Rap = Rhythm And Poetry. If any part of them two is missing, it needs work.

I hope you know what I meant by incorporating Tramsitions. If you need a refference, check THIS out.
You'll be able to send and receive messages once you hit 50 posts. If you need any help or want to collab, im just a pm away.
Stay up.

I liked the topic, good pick. You could've bounced out on your rhymes a little more, e.g. putting more word in your multis. And keeping your lines and bars around the same length could have been used a bit more. Flow was a bit under Fair. If you make a line like A-B-B-A would sort of help that.

Awesome! Flow was a bit hard to follow at some points, still a good read tho.