Open Mic: 'Blood' Bars

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   --- 'Blood' Bars ---
--- By The Rap Daemon ---

I can't believe, the news I know right//
My family, to screw my whole life//
Like a piece of paper, it's a freaking major//
Catastrophe, like I couldn't even choose my own light//
Because they had something, that something//
That I needed, but what I had coming//
Was damn nothing, just the polar opposite//
A frozen lot of shit, thrown on top of this//
Hard life I already have, to know I've got to live//
'Til I die, in this slow apocalypse//
Used to drink coke, now I smoke the lot of it//
And now, more shit, just with a load of cops 'n' shit//
May as well take a gun, put it to my dome 'nd pop the bitch//
Leave this life, 'coz now my home's the coffin in// the ground...
'Coz what do I have left? A phase of tragic!?//
Stuck in a maze of manic, bad shit//
And a haze of madness, I couldn't take it a week!//
Everytime I look in the mirror...
A picture develops of the face of a beast// 
Every single time I am inking the fuck// outta this pad... 
It's more than thoughts and feelings, it's me dripping my blood//
Into writing, I'm literally spilling my guts//
Then a slit wrist, turns it to a thickening spludge//
'Coz words weren't enough, I needed action alongside//
And to me, what you perceive as badness is all right//
And don't 'feed' this, don't add fuel to the fire//
'Coz more of this, is not something you should inspire//
Each slash that marks a line, marks the lines//
That are running deep along my arms and thighs//
And don't say the emotions splended; that I've wrote a legend//
O.M. and message, because you truly don't get it//
Just know the facts...
That upon death, I leave no will of paid lovings//
'Coz why should I EVER give, when my family gave nothing?//. 

Edited by The Rap Daemon - 01 September 2015 at 6:02am

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The Rap Daemon Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Rap Daemon Report Post Likes(1) Quote Reply Topic: 'Blood' Bars Posted: 01 September 2015 at 5:57am
	--- 'Blood' Bars --- --- By The Rap Daemon --- I can't believe, the news I know right// My family, to screw my whole life// Like a piece of paper, it's a freaking major// Catastrophe, like I couldn't even choose my own light// Because they had something, that something// That I needed, but what I had coming// Was damn nothing, just the polar opposite// A frozen lot of shit, thrown on top of this// Hard life I already have, to know I've got to live// 'Til I die, in this slow apocalypse// Used to drink coke, now I smoke the lot of it// And now, more shit, just with a load of cops 'n' shit// May as well take a gun, put it to my dome 'nd pop the bitch// Leave this life, 'coz now my home's the coffin in// the ground... 'Coz what do I have left? A phase of tragic!?// Stuck in a maze of manic, bad shit// And a haze of madness, I couldn't take it a week!// Everytime I look in the mirror... A picture develops of the face of a beast// Every single time I am inking the fuck// outta this pad... It's more than thoughts and feelings, it's me dripping my blood// Into writing, I'm literally spilling my guts// Then a slit wrist, turns it to a thickening spludge// 'Coz words weren't enough, I needed action alongside// And to me, what you perceive as badness is all right// And don't 'feed' this, don't add fuel to the fire// 'Coz more of this, is not something you should inspire// Each slash that marks a line, marks the lines// That are running deep along my arms and thighs// And don't say the emotions splended; that I've wrote a legend// O.M. and message, because you truly don't get it// Just know the facts... That upon death, I leave no will of paid lovings// 'Coz why should I EVER give, when my family gave nothing?//. Edited by The Rap Daemon - 01 September 2015 at 6:02am
	Faggot

thryjoe Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 09 April 2015 Location: ur mans pants Status: Offline Points: 289 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-1 Form: LQL	Post Options Post Reply Quote thryjoe Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 September 2015 at 12:35pm
	Okay, this was pretty good but you had one very major thing- When making rhymes, you just randomly stopped one and began the next. What you can do is like a _A__A _B_A_B _B_C_C... And so on. But do you get? You're not just spashing your words all at once and then end a line. So just gradually lessen each rhyme, might work with that.
	they told me it was reality, but it's really all in your mind.

Main Leader Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Banned Joined: 02 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 6	Post Options Post Reply Quote Main Leader Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03 September 2015 at 10:11am
	This is more than good imo. Its RLY emotional, and the flow breaks rly work well to demonstrate a brokn/twistd mind. The rhymes are gr8, and I also like the small details such as how 'Blood' in the title has 2 meanins and how you used red words to represent the bloodied ink, its all amazing! Its lyrically and technically gr8, and the raw emotion here makes it 1 of my favs

ricky_crux Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 04 September 2015 Location: Alcatraz Status: Offline Points: 10	Post Options Post Reply Quote ricky_crux Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 05 September 2015 at 11:01am
	you got solid flow.your verse has content and you stuck to what you were saying all through.thats dope.however you need to add more rhyme and even better introduce hard multies. you did ok in metaphors but i feel you could have done better