Open Mic: Are you aware? |
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Posted: 08 October 2015 at 9:18pm |
Life's a surprise untill you look into the Devils eyes. I've arrived, step aside and let our world's collide, Open your ears wide, you can't hear if you hide. Supprise Supprise you've been supplied with lies. Youll'd be wise to revise all the who, what and why's? Don't believe the guys in the sky's telling porky pies, Your concious never dies, this is just one of your lives Survive, and keep your eyes on what you love, Be good, Do good.. and all that other stuff, Cus when yuh times up, and yuh soul rises above, What's to say yuh next Life's gunna be less rough? |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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This could've been a real good topical piece if it wasn't so short to be honest. I think the shortness killed it and didn't allow for strong placement of imagery and emotion. Maybe do this again, as I really feel it has potential to be really good if you do it right. (?)
Anyway, on the technical side, even though the multis weren't super buff, there wasn't a shortage of rhymes, and it went with the flow too, which was also very good. It's a bit gutting really, that the shortness hurt this piece quite a bit. Would you mind expanding it, because I feel you could really well with this.. It's up to you. Anyway, I'm gonna rate this 3*, but you could really make it 4 or even 5 if you put a lot of work into this.. |
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Faggot
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Thanks for the feed, i intend on continuing it but am a very slow writer. So thought i would just throw this out there, see what peeps are saayin.. sound tho.
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Message's good but the verses lacks writing skills. You need imagery in your verse, make use of good figuratives(Metas n Similes).
Your rhymes are nursery. You just need rhyme schemes, a few multis and maybe you'l be good then. Keep writing. |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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I really liked the opening line, it kind of draws you into the whole scheme of this monologue, conscious-seeking approach. The quality of your vocab, however, declines towards the end, cause it seems like some of the thoughts aren't fully developed yet. If you'd have added some more detail to the imagery it could work a lot better I think. The fact that you included a basic rhyme scheme isn't too bad at all in this particular context, since it puts emphasis on some spots of the imagery. Using multis would definitely enhance the quality of this, though.
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DynamicHaste
Groupie Joined: 04 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 133 |
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This was a nice piece to read. Areas of improvement could be more uniquely styled imagery. This rap game is old so people need to keep coming up with fresher stuff. Read some Eminem lyrics / Illmaculate just to see what I mean.. I think the flow was pretty good and I liked the vocabulary. I would of liked to see maybe a punch, wordplay, some true inner thought of yours. I just felt you were putting a mask on in this piece. Whoever you are and whatever you really care about - rap about it.. |
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Thank you all for the feed. Much appreciated.
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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feel free to leave feedback on my verse, I'd appreciate it as well.
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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I certainly will when i have time, it doesnt go unnoticed i asure you
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