Open Mic: Lone Wolf

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 371

Text Rank: #13
Stats: 3-3-0
Form: LLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Lone Wolf
    Posted: 18 October 2015 at 1:11am
A man defines himself, and he creates his own self worth
Fell behind, declined, keep going even though being myself hurts
That's the way we designed, that's a plan from God's mastermind
I gotta master mine, we free spirits and our fates intertwined
Never been inclined to be kind, that was never a major concern
No God shining on me, I'm solitude defined so all I do is yearn
for peace but I remain silent with an undetermined political alignment
Confinement is a requirement, 'cause I'm not compliant with non-violence
Major Rhetoric reporting, a degenerate with a little bit a cleverness
Youngest man to ascend mount Everest totally effortless
I'll go to great lengths of any measurement, take on any regiment
It's evident that I deserve reverence, as I make the testament
To murder any president for society's benefit, not just a sentiment
Showing no hesitance as I exterminate the White House residents
Guess somewhere along the line I lost my way like I was Rocky's son
And amongst this rhyme my mind was lead astray and quickly overrun
Blindly accept it as destiny, can't fight it anymore, it's bested me
A bum with no identity seeking serendipity, a cure for this disability
Praying God have morals and some sensitivity, spent life thinkin I had invisibility
A hard life isn't hyperbole when nobody ever noticed me
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
Back to Top
DynamicHaste View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 04 October 2014
Status: Offline
Points: 129
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DynamicHaste Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2015 at 2:31am
Hi man

This was a interesting piece. I kind of liked the philosophical feel it had to it. I liked the vocabulary and the flow although I particularly enjoyed this part where it seemed to flow very well 

for peace but I remain silent with an undetermined political alignment
Confinement is a requirement, 'cause I'm not compliant with non-violence

Major Rhetoric reporting, a degenerate with a little bit a cleverness
Youngest man to ascend mount Everest totally effortless

Great rhyming schemes. 

Only critiques I can think of is presenting ideas more imaginatively - using some smart multies maybe a cheeky punch/wordplay just to shake it up a bit and add new dimensions to the piece. 

Good drop man keep it up




Back to Top
The Rap Daemon View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 August 2015
Location: Purgatory
Status: Offline
Points: 864

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 4-12-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2015 at 2:58am
This wasn't great, but wasn't bad either... Somewhere in the middle I'd say.

The rhyme scheme wasn't bad, but it felt on some lines where you rhymed quite a bit you tried too hard to rhyme a lot and it hurt the flow. The words you choose, including the ones you rhyme, need to mean something, and not just seem like your just attempting to throw rhymes in wherever you can. ALSO, the rhymes need to aid the flow and let it roll smoothly off the toungue, not disrupt it and make the flow feel off-balance, shakey and over-stretched. There's a couple of rap tutorials on here that can help with this.

Other than the rhyme and flow issues though, the piece is good. I really enjoyed the opening, and the image and meaning you were portraying sold me, as what you said made me feel for "you" (the character).

Overall, a good piece. Keep writing bruh... Just work on solving those rhyming/flow problems, and you'll soon be making some great pieces for the Open Mic section. (!).
Back to Top
Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 371

Text Rank: #13
Stats: 3-3-0
Form: LLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 October 2015 at 12:13pm
Cheers for feed. I do sometimes get a bit carried away and slap words in there, but I don't think I overdo it to the point where it lacks coherency.

I think this is a step in the right direction regardless so I'ma keep sharpening the sword and come up with something better.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down