Open Mic: 'DAYS OF TORMENT' (HAUNTED SOUL)

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   Heyo, there's nothing special about this OM but to me, there or there are; cause it's my first long verse and first attempt on a topical drop(i was unable to come up with my own story so i used a fanfic story written on 'wattpad', you should know i only extract little story out).. so please, do ensure to spot my messes and the areas i need to improve on.. THANKS..

The room i'm in is dim n' i can't even find my face
I gasped awake, sweating hard as if i've ran a race
The nightmare surely had besieged me once again
It makes me feel like am soaked in an opium den
I've tried escaping my past which is full of war occurences
The pain, anger n' regret are always attacking me relentlessly
So many lives were lost that i could even bear to watch
The raiders i doubt were humans cause they weren't touched
By the pain and loud cry voiced by those women and children
I wept whole-heartily while i was turmouily tormented
I crept underneath the trees to escape the horror scene
Shivering where i hid that was when my honor seized
Images of my mother replaying through my brain
Her limp body on the floor, it causes me more pain
Father kneeling beside her while yelling in despair
Unaware of the fate, carefully awaiting him there
Few seconds later father was struck with a spear
I motioned from my hiding, running towards him with fear 
He smiled right at my face n' whisper 'all hope is lost'
Tears slipping down my eyes, rollin down my hopless chin
Mother n' father; all were discarded in one day
I wonder why he was left, maybe he should just hit the rail
He was determind to live, despite nothing worth living for
I could perceive the scent of death slowly approaching me
Resisting with harder force, i ran yet very terrified
How i managed to escape the scene, i even dont know
It still a misery, i wouldnt wanna reflect back on
Till this day i'm still haunted by the past nightmares
Sometimes it feels real as if it happened righthere
Like an everlasting scar intensely crested on my chest

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Storm $hadow Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Storm $hadow Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: 'DAYS OF TORMENT' (HAUNTED SOUL) Posted: 24 October 2015 at 1:55am
	Heyo, there's nothing special about this OM but to me, there or there are; cause it's my first long verse and first attempt on a topical drop(i was unable to come up with my own story so i used a fanfic story written on 'wattpad', you should know i only extract little story out).. so please, do ensure to spot my messes and the areas i need to improve on.. THANKS.. The room i'm in is dim n' i can't even find my face I gasped awake, sweating hard as if i've ran a race The nightmare surely had besieged me once again It makes me feel like am soaked in an opium den I've tried escaping my past which is full of war occurences The pain, anger n' regret are always attacking me relentlessly So many lives were lost that i could even bear to watch The raiders i doubt were humans cause they weren't touched By the pain and loud cry voiced by those women and children I wept whole-heartily while i was turmouily tormented I crept underneath the trees to escape the horror scene Shivering where i hid that was when my honor seized Images of my mother replaying through my brain Her limp body on the floor, it causes me more pain Father kneeling beside her while yelling in despair Unaware of the fate, carefully awaiting him there Few seconds later father was struck with a spear I motioned from my hiding, running towards him with fear He smiled right at my face n' whisper 'all hope is lost' Tears slipping down my eyes, rollin down my hopless chin Mother n' father; all were discarded in one day I wonder why he was left, maybe he should just hit the rail He was determind to live, despite nothing worth living for I could perceive the scent of death slowly approaching me Resisting with harder force, i ran yet very terrified How i managed to escape the scene, i even dont know It still a misery, i wouldnt wanna reflect back on Till this day i'm still haunted by the past nightmares Sometimes it feels real as if it happened righthere Like an everlasting scar intensely crested on my chest

The Law Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Law Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 October 2015 at 3:51am
	This was pretty dope and somewhat written well. Some of the bars were a bit more on the simplistic end as far as the words you used to describe the emotion and imagery. You also had some issues staying consistent with a good rhyme scheme. Some where close enough that I can just consider it a slant or by the way you may be reading the words due to accent but other didn't rhyme with anything. E.g lost, chin, day, rail,for... That whole section lacked, where as you started off well in that area but kinda just went off towards the last half. As far the description, imagery could be touched up on better. Although simplistic you did a pretty good job with the emotional aspect. Instead of a few seconds later my father was struck with a spear. You can expand on it, make the imagery real to the readers mind.. For example. Within seconds a spear pierced through my fathers heart Blood dripping off the handle with the flesh torn a part!! Not the greatest of my imagery, just jotting down something quick for an example. But can you see how that paints the picture of the scene rather than just a "spear struck my father" then from there you can go onto the emotional aspect of you running towards him.. Your off to a good start, just work on staying consistent with your rhyme scheme, you don't want to go off track where it start to read like statements rather than a smooth lyrical verse. And just expand off your story, even if you write it the simpler form like this and take each scene and expand on the imagery from there. Overall it was an enjoyable story though, keep up the good work.
	Go my Minions!

Storm $hadow Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Storm $hadow Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 October 2015 at 2:28pm
	Thanks for the feed man, i will sure work on my rhyme consistency and vivid description!

Exoduzt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Exoduzt Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 25 October 2015 at 3:50am
	Your accent is throwing the flow off for me in some lines but I do see where you are going with it. It's not a fault on you by any means thats just you. You do have some writing skills I can see that. A couple lines got pretty deep and you came correct on descriptiveness. Altho I felt some of it was a little dry and kinda obvious so to speak but for the most part not too bad. I look forward to reading more of ya shit in the future