Open Mic: Reprisal

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 373

Text Rank: #13
Stats: 3-3-0
Form: LLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Reprisal
    Posted: 19 December 2015 at 9:00am
Absolute a name that's destined for fame
y'all just the past of which I overcame
shit stains wiped out from the ethereal plane
who dares enter unto my domain?
known only for his terrible pen game
quarter ounce of water on this open Flame
will extinguish this poser author's name
insane if this lame think he bringin the pain
simple DJ with fire attached, just ignited gas
how all your verses drop on a thermostat?
two lines in and i laughed, that whole diss was wack
surpassed all expectations, yet still fell flat n collapsed
no more bridge between me n you, just a technical gap
match with AA and you toe tagged and body bagged
too late to retract, remember it was you who attacked
and now he's blue and blacked I'm movin on to the next fag

mad stats, just check out his portfolio
but a quick 1-2 ensure that he overthrown
every time you make a cameo the beat just slows
and everybody knows you two drop like dominoes
you're overgrown so I'm offerin the Perfect Adios
thats us exchangin blows til you left comatose!
So morose, grab an open mic and leave it closed
like city streets when a river overflows
and floods LA with trash it seems
that's garbage wrappers, cans of Beans
wannabe vets, now thats just obscene
im green n still showin these jokers real sixteens
y'all are comedy routines, act like angsty teens
hear they're overkeen to re-enact sex scenes
back to back like a pair of queens
that's ass to ass with a dick in between!


Edited by Absolute Abomination - 19 December 2015 at 9:07am
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 587
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2015 at 4:26pm
I thought this had the right idea to it, but it didn't really live up to its (full) potential. 
Your rhyme scheme was rather basic, and you repeated some of your end rhymes a few times. The flow wasn't too bad though, since you had a rather short line length. With regard to the content, you had some nice concepts, which would have been quite decent if you executed them in a different way, compared to your opening bar, for example. Your beginning was actually an alright way to start off a verse like this, so keep at it.
Back to Top
Beans View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 12 October 2013
Location: MA
Status: Offline
Points: 6451
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 89-23-5
Form: WLWLLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Beans Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2015 at 4:51pm
Thought this read nice, your concepts could have been a bit stronger, but this was a nice little read.

Stay up
1-2 Season 1 Final Champ

Back to Top
Jason View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 13 December 2015
Location: South Africa
Status: Offline
Points: 98

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-0
Form: WL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Jason Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2015 at 5:34pm
I liked the flow, although I have to agree with Alice on the rhymes being basic.
Nice shit, but you could have came harder since this is supposed to be a diss.
http://weknowmemes.com/tag/i-dont-know-who-you-are-but-i-will-find-you-and-i-will-kill-you/
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator


Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2171
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 4-8-0
Form: WLLLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2015 at 8:37pm
Yes i agree it was standard in concept and depth..but
I think in this case the basic approach was the right
Approach...the reason being,that if you was to make it
a complicated drop,you would have lost flow and to a
certain extent structure..so for me being direct was
the way forward...a decent drop..
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down