Open Mic: [OM King] Beyond Bermuda

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    Posted: 04 January 2016 at 10:03am
Wake up to another dark'n miserable day
Beautiful wife try'n convince me to stay
"come on baby come back to bed and just lay"
"sorry baby, I gotta be gettin' on my way"

Gotta leave for work downtown, expectin' a new shipment
A ships meant to come down, the tenth one I've witnessed
But never checked the cargo for what they deliverin
This my first instance, nervous swallow, feels different
Overhearing whispers as the ship docks, climb on board
Soldier questions orders, Captain draws out his sword
as if to warn him, walks over and quickly floors him
tells the rest of us to ignore him, then the door swing
Admiral walks out and I can't shake the feeling
Motions us to the cargo hold, what are they revealing?
We begin unsealing, can't make out what I'm hearing
Smells like a bleeching, grab the door and it starts creaking
Open up the holds, see families in their own mess
These poor souls, body tense and I can't catch my breath
Nine dead silhouettes, can't make sense but then it connects
That these our new guests, the new Atlantean residents
Take a step back and look up at the triangle
Can't handle this, feels like I'm bein' strangled
One of the survivors got their hands on my ankle
Screamin' for help but I was never one to gamble

Obey my orders'n take 'em to the showers, not as much as a frown
There's hundreds of 'em it takes us hours, we've all calmed down
They tell me stories of the triangle and it's mysterious powers
Laugh as I tell them it's just a portal between their world'n ours
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2016 at 12:23pm
I quite liked this actually, my initial idea would've been for a portal so I suppose it's not desperately innovative. I thought this was well written, smooth, had a clear narrative, descriptions were cool. Only thing is that the narrative didn't lead anywhere particularly compelling. There wasn't a sense of drama, didn't really build up...it was kind of flat and ticked along.

So yeah, as a verse it was a cool read but I suspect there will be others who trump you to the Crown. Good looks for getting involved and being first to drop as well.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2016 at 12:28pm
Cheers. Yeah I was really umming and ahhing but I don't like writing a complete narrative, I'd rather leave the conclusion to the audience's imagination. I understand that won't fly with some people. That being said, the ending was always my issue with writing stories. Maybe I've just shied away from it.

For sure - every one of my drops is in effort towards improvement. I guess a portal is pretty obvious, but after reading Zin's post the first image I got was a paradise that people simply do not want to come back from. That seemed off after going back over it a second time, so I added a bit of darkness to it. I came up with a much bigger narrative that I just couldn't figure out how to write. I guess I had a whole month to do it, maybe I'll come back later with improvements on this. We'll see.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2016 at 12:39pm
There's many ways to write a story, right. First/second/third person. Give a beginning/middle/end (which I felt like you did here, you started off in bed, stuff happened, you gave the end that it's been a portal these guys have travelled through). Your twist was that you were writing from POV of someone from the portal side. Is there really any unresolved issue there the reader would need to think about? Did you leave it on a cliffhanger?

You can probably see a couple of different angles and approaches I'm talking about now...For instance, how would you have written the same story from the POV of one of the people who came through the portal? Where you have picked the story up? Before or after they came through? Would you tell the story laterally or in phases?

So yeah, I think the key to this topic is to be a bit creative with the form as the topic is relatively restrictive if you're not going for something outlandish or conceptual.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Zinaii Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2016 at 10:33pm
This was a cool read; you honestly didnt do anything terribly but nothing stood out; you did good at setting the scene up; I would have liked to see more detail; developing the character and especially more so about being in the actual triangle itself because that's when you can really get descriptive and go crazy with the content and scenery. Throw in some plot twists and suspense and really keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Props for getting a verse in quickly; you have the basics down just gotta work on the details; I'll be looking out for more of your pieces
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 January 2016 at 5:27am
word i dug the idea. a portal between atlantis and modern day earth was pretty interesting. rhymes were pretty uninspiring - day/stay/lay/way i've seen verses from you that had much more advance rhyming thats why i brought this up. otherwise, i thought this was a good read and a good first entry into the OMK idea. I will likely drop something too so hopefully i can get some feed from you as well, bro.  
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 January 2016 at 11:40am
Cheers for the feed. I know it was nothing special, hell just reading some of the worsts posts by some members here I know I've got a long way to go.

All part of the process. My activity has been pretty low over the holidays and will be for a lil' bit longer, but I'll try to jump back in asap.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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