Open Mic: [OM King] Into the 4th

In a way I can see why this hasn't got any feed...this truly reminds me of my own writing a very long time ago. It felt like you took a poetic approach to this, you have a rhythm and cadence that you deliberately played with (noticeable between the first section and the "when am I" in particular). I think the one thing you've got to do is be very careful to make it accessible when you write like that, you used quite complex language at the beginning and gave detailed descriptions, that's all well & good but a lot of guys round here are probably disengaged by that. If they were to read something like that "when am i" section they'd feel the natural rhythm more and could get into it. It's as much about understanding your audience as it is about the communication.

I think you were possibly a little too verbose at times, when you got into a bit more you had some really oustanding segments and were able to combine the fresh approach you were taking with your descriptiveness but combine that with a brevity that's really powerful.

Touched on it already but I thought one of the big strengths of this was how you where am I and then conceptually deeper into the when I am and beyond. I thought that was a really clever spin on it & effectively you've thought about the Bermuda Triangle as a concept and what it physically is and tried to embody that...rather than write a story & you've done that in a way that is largely understandable and described beautifully.

All in all it was a tremendously fresh approach and displays your intelligence, understanding of vocab and progressive poetic form as well...which is all very impressive. I think the only thing I'd say is that I wouldve liked it to be a little bit more emotionally engaging & I think you could've done that through word selection, so putting that element of viseral fear into it through the marriage of simpler words with the more intellectual language you deployed. Like directly play them off against each other. For me that was the element which was lacking and why I see this as a 4 star drop.

My advice in terms of getting more feedback on this board is adapt your verse form so it's a little more rigid and reads a bit more like a classic spoken word / rap...as that's the main audience here.

This was a really good read Sammy. I think it was a little too vague for the topic to be a main contender, but not having read any of your stuff before I was very surprised and impressed. Very poetic. I feel smarter just from reading it. I wish it was longer x[

yoooo.



Go ahead ask, and i’ll give you a most respective bid

Question: do we live to exist or exists to live?

whew. thats an open lol.



Waves wavered, marching to violent viscosity

Rippled lines of time, scribbles beyond border

Directions irrelevant; the turning tide rise to cosmic seas

Time is now a caustic seizure. Freezing; Obsolete



sick segment, I love how you're not a slave to your rhyme scheme, but it is a slave to you. bravo.




The dichotomy of consciousness swings in moody delight

Truth hangs on razor’s edge, lurking the moment you die

Where am I? I've not the slightest clue - but the feeling was different.

I feel it all, from cosmic collapse to bacterial fission.

The moment gravity flirts, to the theory that's given

It's like some imperial prison

Arterial connective tissues to other spheres of existence



yo, this is crazy as fuck. this is some excellent writing. in this small section you basically
teased the meaning of life, in a sense of how we came to be. the moment you die piece
essentially hinting at that may be one way to find out, or is the big bang theory. dope.



I swear there's no difference!

i exists at every temporal instance!

Danced and positioned with the vast and infinite

Alas we're left with this quandary

Consciousness is hardly measured in quantity

The more thoughts you've invested in, the less logic you see,

A paradox that creaks and bends

to every “cause” and “needs”.

I’m one with all. I see near and far

A dream? here, i’m God...



man, again.. straight switch of the scheme. you're nasty as fuck bro. whew.
im loving the direction. knowledge is power, but its overwhelming.
reality is perception and perception is reality. powerful content man.




“Tri” is a lie fabricated in finest deceit

Through the Bermuda there's a fourth,

a dimension of higher reprieve

The Fourth letter. Piece it, it's the cousin of sleep*

Worm holes and portals?

Lectures; conjectures the mind has conceived

Fictional pleasure. Symbolic gesture; Desire to “See”

Beyond the spire of images and phantasmic intrigue

It's quite simple: You die. That's it. No story to weave

Your consciousness, or rather, atomic design

rises To its rightful place, a place which God has devise.

All in one and one with Alllmighty


"What happens?! You drown and die!" -Anonymous


you wove this piece so effortlessly. you are a tremendous writer. I truly respect
and appreciate it. you control exactly where the piece goes. you just fill in the blanks
of your canvas where you see fit. content was onpoint. word placement was near perfect.
vocab was excellent. I can't complain one bit. really impressed. overall amazing. 

I personally enjoy reads like this to be honest.  Its quite refreshing compared to the usual shit I see in the OM.  The poetic vibe was absolutely present in this piece.  Your vocab is a huge stand out skill within your writing.  I feel its quite obvious but could also be over bearing to some of the readers.  I feel that sometimes its better to say more with less if that makes any sense.  I'm not knocking your style I actually really like it.  You kinda remind me of nigma.  Just with a more poetic tip to your words.  I felt this was just great writing from top to bottom.  Except sometimes it was a bit wordy for my taste you overall got me as an instant fan.  I cant wait to see more work from you

This was really well written; it took me a few reads to grasp everything but that's just because you write with your own style which is a plus imo; this piece definitely stands out on its own. I thought your first three bars you set the seen up nicely with some really vivid imagery;
Rippled lines of time, time is a caustic really helped set the scene.


The dichotomy of consciousness swings in moody delight
Truth hangs on razor’s edge, lurking the moment you die
Where am I? I've not the slightest clue - but the feeling was different.
I feel it all, from cosmic collapse to bacterial fission.
The moment gravity flirts, to the theory that's given
It's like some imperial prison
Arterial connective tissues to other spheres of existence

This entire stanza was deep and thought provoking some top level writing here; not only did you place the character in the scene but you gave some description on what he was thinking and it was some complex shit; tied into the vocab this was well written

The third part and I also noticed you had a question at the beginning of each part that tied into the stanza; I took this part as where you where the bermuda took you you felt this god like power where everything was you and the wording and the way you described was dope; this entire piece is really abstract and I felt like you took this topic on from a different and it paid off well. The last section tied it all together nicely

“Tri” is a lie fabricated in finest deceit

Through the Bermuda there's a fourth,

a dimension of higher reprieve

The Fourth letter. Piece it, it's the cousin of sleep*

So many quotables in this piece; the vocab might turn off some readers but that isn't a bad thing when you consider the quality of the writing; the description was nice; this was interesting because it was a story but at the same time it felt like a reflection on some of life's unanswered questions; Very impressive piece you're definitely high up in this months choices for me

I don't really see any constructive comments I can give that hasn't been stated