Open Mic: Rhymes(Part two_enjoy)
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JackBarz View Drop Down
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Form: LLNL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Rhymes(Part two_enjoy)
    Posted: 07 January 2016 at 9:56pm
No human I'm outta this planet mY Sixteens could easily Reach Mars...........Every healed wound tells a story through each Scar...........A prison escape I feed to kill son I dont need bars.......have bullets replacing the gum sockets where a nigga's Teeth aRe......Yall better show wisdom I bloW pistons like an over heated street car........Stay strong but inside my Raps are Hurting You..........leave tops leaking like scrap Convertibles....
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JackBarz View Drop Down
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Form: LLNL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2016 at 10:00pm
Lol rhyming riding snares and kicks
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Rutter knows best View Drop Down
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Form: WWWWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rutter knows best Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2016 at 10:28pm
if you start to structure your shit i'll feed it.
#bananas
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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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Form: LWWLLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2016 at 10:31pm
No human I'm outta this planet mY Sixteens could easily Reach Mars...........
Every healed wound tells a story through each Scar...........
A prison escape I feed to kill son I dont need bars......
.have bullets replacing the gum sockets where a nigga's Teeth aRe.....
.Yall better show wisdom I bloW pistons like an over heated street car........
Stay strong but inside my Raps are Hurting You.........
.leave tops leaking like scrap Convertibles....
 
 
Instead of being a typical text cock. I restructured it myself. This wasn't terrible. Nice multis and the flow was not too shabby. Few things to work on is more concepts, add some vocabulary and stick with a plot/subject matter. Good work
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rebel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2016 at 11:23pm
This was ok. I'd agree with everyone. The structure has got to be there if you want feed. It's a pain in the ass to read it the other way and unpresentable. This was decent.  liked the bullets where teeth are line. It is too short too. Be your own writer and do thing's the way you want but please do have your reader in mind too some extent or people aren't going to want to read your stuff man.
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Form: LLLNW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mikey425 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2016 at 1:43am
Bullets for teeth thats sick
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JackBarz View Drop Down
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Form: LLNL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2016 at 3:11am
Thanks fellaz lol rutter I dont pre write man I jusk kick rhymes from the top man thanks anyway
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Form: LWWLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2016 at 2:23pm
Originally posted by JackBarz JackBarz wrote:

Thanks fellaz lol rutter I dont pre write man I jusk kick rhymes from the top man thanks anyway

you can "kick rhymes from the top" and still 
structure your lines like this because it 
can help people grab your flow and rhythm

 
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Form: WWWWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2016 at 2:54pm
Beyond even ^ that point it suggests you don't understand flow as there is actually a correct way to present your rhymes. I'm all for the raw "write a verse as one para" style (see the 4 Horsemen drop via my profile) but you have to punctuate it correctly or at least put the breaks in. I know you did that hear with .... but it looks noobish. Either go proper punctuation, / and // or don't bother and hit the enter button man.
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Form: LLNL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2016 at 6:53pm
Will do bro thanks cuba
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