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JackBarz
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2015 Location: Eestern Cape Status: Offline Points: 214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-1 Form: LLNL |
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Posted: 10 January 2016 at 6:41am |
You a fan? That's absurd,even if You were a dictionary author You still Wouldn't be a man of "Your Word"//Listen nigga I'm outta Ya 'Damn Grade"// ill Swing an abyss through Ya gut that isnt "Man-Made”// Put this kid on a spiral like "Fanblade"// Ya choices of victory simply don't "Add up" Mechete or Samurai I couldnt "Simplify Ya Choices"// Even with a megafone in hand its still fuck what You heard,so don't "Emplify the Noises"»»»»»»»»»«»»»»»»»»»»»{»»{Fan Verse tWo}> Carve Ya wide open my spits "Slit Ya Mans"// Don't think retirement villages how I "Flip With the Grams"// niggas aint gona do Jack shit When "Shit Hits the Fan"// My punches leaves them "Bare gums",no calculator have these kids in "Sixes and Sevens",so yall better don't dare me// It aint to play hopscotch when I put them back to "Square One",that's a hole Slaves park were "Bravehearts" inherit "Graveyards"
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Yo Jack, this was decent man but you gotta clean up the structure. Shits a mess. If you fix the structure and create an actual proper verse itd work out better. You had some concepts in there and wording seemed OK, but just lean it up and you'll be lookin good.
Keep at it man |
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JackBarz
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2015 Location: Eestern Cape Status: Offline Points: 214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-1 Form: LLNL |
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Thanks man I'm Working on it bro hopefully I will get it right Word.
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Yea man, you've got the basics lyrically just clean it up.
Put a little more time into your work, there's no rush to post a verse.. |
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JackBarz
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2015 Location: Eestern Cape Status: Offline Points: 214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-1 Form: LLNL |
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Yeah bro will do its always good getting constructive criticism been getting a lot o f that Lol word
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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I feel you have a natural understanding of rhyme. My question is, after seeing many people commenting on it, do you understand what everyone is referring to when they say change your "structure"? I'm not quite sure you do lol. However, personally, it doesn't bother me because the multies makes this format work, at least to me anyway lol. I'm relatively new also so it might not mean as much but I like your stuff man. Rhymes and concept are always creatively crafted. I always look forward to reading your stuff because, regardless of somewhat redundant topics, your improvement is very apparent. I just hate the whole too slash bar split thing lol. keep scribing, brutha. |
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JackBarz
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2015 Location: Eestern Cape Status: Offline Points: 214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-1 Form: LLNL |
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Yeah bro I got that now my structure was flippin messy Lol. I understand now and plus Im new to text rap i have worked on a few things since my last drop wwill be dropping a cool 24 bars soon i'm just working on a feW bars lol thanks ma…
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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You have some good end rhymes and your flow isn't too shabby. Issue I have is that your structure throws it off for novice readers. It also could use more substance but that's just my opinion. Keep working at it. I think you should try doing something with a more strict concept .
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