Open Mic: He a fan

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
JackBarz View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 30 November 2015
Location: Eestern Cape
Status: Offline
Points: 214

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-3-1
Form: LLNL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: He a fan
    Posted: 10 January 2016 at 6:41am
You a fan? That's absurd,even if You were a dictionary author You still Wouldn't be a man of "Your Word"//Listen nigga I'm outta Ya 'Damn Grade"// ill Swing an abyss through Ya gut that isnt "Man-Made”// Put this kid on a spiral like "Fanblade"// Ya choices of victory simply don't "Add up" Mechete or Samurai I couldnt "Simplify Ya Choices"// Even with a megafone in hand its still fuck what You heard,so don't "Emplify the Noises"»»»»»»»»»«»»»»»»»»»»»{»»{Fan Verse tWo}> Carve Ya wide open my spits "Slit Ya Mans"// Don't think retirement villages how I "Flip With the Grams"// niggas aint gona do Jack shit When "Shit Hits the Fan"// My punches leaves them "Bare gums",no calculator have these kids in "Sixes and Sevens",so yall better don't dare me// It aint to play hopscotch when I put them back to "Square One",that's a hole Slaves park were "Bravehearts" inherit "Graveyards"
Back to Top
Trizzy Tre View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 28 March 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 5101
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 30-7-1
Form: WLWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2016 at 6:01pm
Yo Jack, this was decent man but you gotta clean up the structure. Shits a mess. If you fix the structure and create an actual proper verse itd work out better. You had some concepts in there and wording seemed OK, but just lean it up and you'll be lookin good.

Keep at it man
Back to Top
JackBarz View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 30 November 2015
Location: Eestern Cape
Status: Offline
Points: 214

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-3-1
Form: LLNL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2016 at 6:36pm
Thanks man I'm Working on it bro hopefully I will get it right Word.
Back to Top
Trizzy Tre View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 28 March 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 5101
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 30-7-1
Form: WLWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2016 at 6:47pm
Yea man, you've got the basics lyrically just clean it up.

Put a little more time into your work, there's no rush to post a verse..
Back to Top
JackBarz View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 30 November 2015
Location: Eestern Cape
Status: Offline
Points: 214

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-3-1
Form: LLNL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 January 2016 at 10:24pm
Yeah bro will do its always good getting constructive criticism been getting a lot o f that Lol word
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2016 at 12:16am

I feel you have a natural understanding of rhyme. My question is, after seeing many people commenting on it, do you understand what everyone is referring to when they say change your "structure"? I'm not quite sure you do lol. However, personally, it doesn't bother me because the multies makes this format work, at least to me anyway lol. I'm relatively new also so it might not mean as much but I like your stuff man. Rhymes and concept are always creatively crafted. I always look forward to reading your stuff because, regardless of somewhat redundant topics, your improvement is very apparent. I just hate the whole too slash bar split thing lol. keep scribing, brutha.



Back to Top
JackBarz View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 30 November 2015
Location: Eestern Cape
Status: Offline
Points: 214

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-3-1
Form: LLNL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2016 at 2:33am
Yeah bro I got that now my structure was flippin messy Lol. I understand now and plus Im new to text rap i have worked on a few things since my last drop wwill be dropping a cool 24 bars soon i'm just working on a feW bars lol thanks ma…
Back to Top
daydizzle89 View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 23 July 2014
Status: Offline
Points: 3805

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LWWLLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 January 2016 at 8:55pm
You have some good end rhymes and your flow isn't too shabby. Issue I have is that your structure throws it off for novice readers. It also could use more substance but that's just my opinion. Keep working at it. I think you should try doing something with a more strict concept .
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down