Open Mic: Power With Words. |
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Real Hip Hop
Groupie Joined: 18 March 2014 Location: London Status: Offline Points: 278 |
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Posted: 27 January 2016 at 7:10pm |
Brown skin and Muslim, are they delivering tyrants? Did you know Steve Jobs' father was a Syrian migrant? No? Of course not, the Newspapers didn't tell you They are just telling new-fables with a shell suit You take in propaganda and believe in all the hype Ignoring the facts, not believing what is right That's just the theme right now to exert political power Muslim bashing not based on truth, just a ritual shower Missing the hours; the tide is shifting, minds need lifting Told to hate each other, what we need to find is different Will you be a clown like Trump, flip-flop with the roster Or face prejudice head on, like Chris-Rock at the Oscars I'm the Last King: Denzel, Foxx and Whitaker in rhyme You spend your Day Training, mimicking all the time We need to cleanse ourselves, but there is no ablution Racism dissolved into society; so there is no solution We can bob and weave; stop and breathe, drop or leave At times we have no choice, there's no shots with 'Steve' Honesty is missing too we need to keep digging through I am giving truth, the living proof is - Dylann Roof And the better position... would be wrecking the system See Washington don't be 'Snow'd-in' like Edward is missing! |
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Jay-Z:
"I just tackle the subject, the flack of the public/ Nothing!I know real N***** just happen to love it" |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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I wrote really detailed feedback for this, but it never submitted - such is life am I right?
I thought you started off really well... started to get lazy around the middle.. by day training you were reaching... shortly after you just stopped caring.. I have these discussions in my personal life, daily... so its subject matter im extremely familiar with, far more than your average westerner so I just wish you kept the passion from the opening sequence. I liked the piece tho - it was good and to most, maybe even excellent I just felt it deserved to go out as well as it came in thanks for sharing tho |
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#Bananas
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Real Hip Hop
Groupie Joined: 18 March 2014 Location: London Status: Offline Points: 278 |
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Thanks Neek. This is about 1 issue but 3 subjects. 1= Syrian Migrants (Trumps racist comments) 2= Oscars controversy 3= Police Brutality Chris Rock (black comedian) is hosting and hopefully he doesn't boycott as well. Forest Whitaker won an Oscar for 'The Last King'. Denzel Washington won an Oscar for 'Training Day' "Solution" - racism would be the solvent. "Snow'd-in" - Edward Snowden. |
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Jay-Z:
"I just tackle the subject, the flack of the public/ Nothing!I know real N***** just happen to love it" |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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the theme is prejudice...
the theme is racism... the theme is oppression... the theme is ignorance. I got it. but the piece wavered. in my detailed feedback that didnt save I broke it down thoroughly. I caught it all my friend. my feedback was just a quick rehashing. maybe I shouldve maybe just waited till fuller feedback would be an option but I felt overall it wouldntve changed so I figured shorthand would be acceptable. sorry if you misunderstood. |
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Nice read,i thought your concepts were good as well as the vocab overall,you had some decent stand up issues within this drop that made it well worth the read,it never came off as needing or stretching,it just ticked along nicely on reading,your text flow was also good along with your contents........all in all a good read.....peace..
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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I'd slightly disagree with Crimson on the text flow, nothing major but it didn't quite flow naturally for me.. seemed like there was an extra syllable here and there that made it awkward in a few places, nothing major though like I say and may be just down to how I was reading it.
I'd have liked it to be a bit more metaphorical too, I can see where you tried a in a few places but you only ever dipped your toes into one metaphor before withdrawing back, moving on and then dipping into something else. I'd like to see each one get drawn out a little bit or get revisited through the piece, but that's just personal preference.
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