Open Mic: Obsession |
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King Jehu
Veteran Joined: 23 January 2004 Status: Offline Points: 6088 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #4 Stats: 54-18-1 Form: WLWWWL |
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Posted: 31 January 2016 at 4:09am |
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This is my first real piece in a while. Had the idea in my head a long time ago, but only just recently put it to words. If I had the time/desire, I would make it better, but I'd rather just get it done.
You're an artist, your body's your paintbrush Watching you work, one could see why you're my main crush For the first time, I was hooked on those sites They showed me a freaky girl who looked so nice I would watch you everyday, I ignored the world Nothing else to talk about so I bored my girl Couldn't tell her that I have someone else in my fantasy Intro to the videos got me ready as you danced for me Thoughts pornographic. I sought more than magic But I wouldn't have found you on the web if not for the traffic ... I'm not even into mexican chicks But watching you on video has different effects than the pics But the act that proved the attraction was fatal Was when it broke my heart when I saw you do anal I felt distraught, I was hoping to tweet you Maybe someday meet you, now I gotta delete you How could you let 5 dudes jizz on your face? Hate what you did, the biz at it's base, it IS a disgrace Like a slave on your knees you should've saved it for me I was supposed to save you from this life as brave as can be I crave what I need, but I need your warmth Going down this path of sin will impede your reform I wish I could snap out of it and forego madness I can't believe I fell in love with a porno actress |
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Insert something rappy here
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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obviously the flow was sick, you clearly understand cadence.
narrative was good..was disappoint you aint drop the non-fiction or fiction name of said dame... but alas lol |
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#Bananas
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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ha, this was a very interesting read. I fucks with the tone. I think the idea of every rap topical has to be heavy isn't something i'm fond of. I rather like these light-hearted piece just as much and I hope we see more of it. As for the verse, at first i'm like yo this muthaphucka is a stalker, all in his feelings and being all intimate with someone he doesn't even know lol. I can get jiggy with it. salute.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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THE KING IS BACK!!!
That was a cool concept, I liked how you've retained your trademark style after all this time...think you improved as you progressed, it got more concise and more effective descriptively. You were really hitting it (pun/irony combo) towards the end. Awesome to see you back man...keep your eyes open for topical related activities, we have interesting things planned. P.S. I rated it 3 stars on the basis that I thought it was a 4 star potential drop but (as you know yourself) you could've tightened it up in places and made it a bit more compelling. |
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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King Jehu
Veteran Joined: 23 January 2004 Status: Offline Points: 6088 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #4 Stats: 54-18-1 Form: WLWWWL |
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Haha, that's fair, Cuba. I wrote the line "it broke my heart when I saw you do anal" like 5 years ago and thought I could write a whole piece around it. I wrote the rest yesterday. Maybe that can be one of the ideas for future gauntlet challenges. Give someone a line and let them fill in the rest. Thanks for the welcome. |
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Insert something rappy here
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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SHHHH that gauntlet challenge idea is essentially my entire writing process!! Neat piece here, same boat as a few of the others and I'm pretty much repeating myself verbatim but it's great to see you shaking the rust off, and sincerely hope this is a gateway drop to full blow writing addiction. I enjoyed the realism and relatability with the piece but I agree in that it wasn't without flaws and sections that could have been more polished.
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-Orion-
Veteran Joined: 08 April 2004 Location: DisturbinLondon Status: Offline Points: 9598 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #1 Stats: 90-4-1 Form: WWWWNW |
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Great idea...this felt almost like just scratching the surface of the story though... I know you could have gone so much deeper (yea, go ahead everybody)
Loving the DJ gif...love DJ...such a bOss
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They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
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Hueyman
Groupie Joined: 22 January 2014 Location: no way Status: Offline Points: 148 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-1 Form: LLLLLL |
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Good reads.
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King Jehu
Veteran Joined: 23 January 2004 Status: Offline Points: 6088 Crew: Renegades Text Rank: #4 Stats: 54-18-1 Form: WLWWWL |
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The more I typed, the more I felt it going into "Stan" territory, so I had to kill that. |
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Insert something rappy here
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah this was a decent drop on the whole,in your lines where you
say ignored,then the follow up bedfellow was bored,I bet you was like phew,thankful for that word,not only kept the flow going,but it's double purpose was a good alternative descriptive,it's then when I got the scene you set for this verse,it was a nice pacey piece,I've got to say though I didn't like it too much to be frank, I do feel it was in parts basic,the subject matter was decent,and flow was present also,but for me it just seemed a little flat,for me it's like topics on gun play,yeah can be creative still,but you get the feeling you've seen or heard it all before,but other than that it was a decent read still...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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I'm glad I came back to this site. I was kind of stuck in my own concepts and it bored me but drops like these are really refreshing for me.
I loved how you went from a secret crush to a porno actress. In all honesty I did not expect that unfortunate turn of events at all. So props to you making an old weary mind chuckle at the twist. I'm with Neek on the flow. I had a beat on and this fit perfectly. I messed it up myself at around the second half of the verse but with a little switch I could make that fit as well. I'm curious of what you'll come up with next.
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#Bananas
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