Open Mic: Tossed under the bridge |
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intrikit
Newbie I am Vib. Klean Joined: 11 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 370 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-0 Form: WLLLL |
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Posted: 13 February 2016 at 9:02am |
can i get banned for an open mic diss?
we're about to find out,and cubas a dick, i wont mention your name, but you have a stick in your ass you told me to sit down and think, your a prick for that tell me what im doing wrong here, exactly bitch you cant Now shut the fuck up while i fix my hat. dont hate the player hate the game all im doing is trying to elevate, and get laid. this is where i get serious, turn delirious your like my gf on the rag, sucked me through this whole period sent me PMS about how i dont leave feed im a top voter this month, you cant fucking read you close battles for stupid reasons "your verse mentioned coal, i dont like what im breathing" I can tell you love your job as mod u adore it all this proved, is that you should get paid for it. You claim to help others elevate, despite not giving them the light of day, and hes the worst on the site. A collaborated effort to take me out Labeled me a troll, while daydizzle hacks your bank account. take this troll tag off of me, it hurts when your mocking me Scotty 3, ill do anything for u, even sodomy your the best site owner,even if u type shit sloppilyy please show me the way, of how to ride dick properly rutter went and bitched to the mods, so to all you noobs dont be cool with that guy cuz he sleeps with dudes. i will get down on one knee and engage you with a gun telling your a faggot, heres your ring dude |
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Venomonology
Standard Member Joined: 23 October 2012 Status: Offline Points: 674 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-2-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Ok so I'm going to take this one thing from this verse:
all im doing is trying to elevate Then I'm going to assume you're serious when you say that and actually give you some constructive feedback. Firstly, you need to be consistent in what you're saying. There are a few times here where you say you're going to do one thing, but then go and do something else. For example, when you say: i wont mention your name, but you have a stick in your ass Well.. you've already mentioned his name on the last line, so you've already made yourself look a bit silly there. And some of your phrasing is a bit off, it's like you're simultaneously trying to come off as aggressive or whatever but then you've got lines like: take this troll tag off of me, it hurts when your mocking me Now there's nothing wrong with honesty like that but it's not fitting to the style of verse you're apparently doing here. Again, it's inconsistent. You need to have a clear idea in mind before you start writing about what type of verse this is going to be, and then anything you want to say that doesn't fit with that style you either need to play around with the wording to see if you can make it fit, or just save it to your notepad and use it in a different verse another time where it fits better. Rhyme-wise, this was very basic. Very monosyllabic with diss / dick, ass / that / can't hat, etc. To start with, try coming up with multisyllabic rhymes where you're rhyming more than one syllable at the end of each line. Then once you're getting the hang of that you can look at bringing in some internal rhymes, and then your pieces will really come into their own. From your battle verse with Beans, I know you're capable of at least disyllabic end rhymes, so if you're capable why not do it? Final feedback is about your 'troll status' generally. While I can understand you might feel victimised or unfairly treated by the mods, ultimately they run this place and it's on you to fit in. Not the other way around. They're not going to change the rules or how they operate just so you feel better about yourself. And dropping stuff like this is only going to put a target on your back. If you genuinely want to elevate and improve and earn the respect of mods and other members, you have to show that in your actions and what you post.. - this is not a good look in that regard. If you are just trolling and I've wasted my time giving this feed, then fuck you. I hope not, though, and I hope you are able to get your head down, learn and improve without further problems.
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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intrikit
Newbie I am Vib. Klean Joined: 11 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 370 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-0 Form: WLLLL |
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This was excellent, thanks you. |
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