Open Mic: Salvation succeeded

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    Posted: 10 March 2016 at 11:01am
Her eyes opened in a twilight between sunrise and sunset
An odd feeling I confess, one second dead the other awake
Undressed, a new shell covered by technological progress
Her mind immediately connected the logic behind the upset
She rose fluidly… Glanced at her new found smooth hands
Looked at the empty body next to her, sincerely a cruel end
The body was bruised and beaten, quickly removed when
A few men entered the room and the intercom on the wall rang
She was met with a broken voice, his desperation was apparent
I left questions unanswered, they needed to  test – they ran it
 
Body functions as to be expected, just a few tweaks to perfect it
Diagnostics confirm scientific excellence, above and beyond average
Compared to the last test subject Now field tests are required
Make it happen, men
 
I entered a waiting room, greeted by ambient music in the background
He waited ten days for this moment but an embrace was not allowed
In fear of possible damages they suggested careful interaction now
His eyes began to water, the words out of his mouth were so profound
Elizabeth… The wait was unbearable and I was crumbling within
The hurt wouldn’t end, tell me you don’t have to stay with them
I nodded in approval and we walked towards to the helicopter
Farewell doctors, his joy additional payment for what’s accomplished
Over the course of six months I grew accustomed to control the body
I knew he loved me but I didn’t know how to respond – this was wrong
He did everything in his power for a continuation of our relationship
And I couldn’t relate to it, I remember everything but can’t make it fit
I knew he hated it, sharing his life with someone who’s caught in a stranger
Lost within a stranger, forced in a stranger, it was the cause of his anger


He adapted to everything but couldn’t bear the lack of physical contact
Caught in her memory was the location of the place where they first met
We went there at sunset, the conditions were perfect and I shut my eyes
He held her thighs and kissed her like a fragile love was resurrected inside
He felt like they were one again, I could tell from his obvious sigh of relief
Autopilot activated, I shut down the monitor and scribbled...
"Experiment succeeded"



A continuation of:

http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/seeking-salvation_topic42136.html

#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 3:32pm
Dutch is your first language, right?

Hmmm...

So where do we begin?

Her eyes opened in a twilight between sunrise and sunset
An odd feeling I confess, one second dead the other awake
Undressed, a new shell covered by technological progress


^The flow, the imagery, the tone, right from the start you've managed to capture my attention. The intrigue is already building. Beautiful intro, E.

Her mind immediately connected the logic behind the upset
She rose fluidly… Glanced at her new found smooth hands
Looked at the empty body next to her, sincerely a cruel end


^I think the bold line shows your attention to detail. We've all seen that moment play out on the movie screen countless times, so it took little effort to visualize it happening in my mind. However, in particular, I loved the usage of the word "smooth". To me it signifies just how fresh and untampered her new body is. Also, the phrase "fluidly rose" conjures up an image of grace and curiosity. Not sure if I explained that right but, I really dug it nonetheless. Oh, and, I loved how you described her looking over at the lifeless shell she once dwelled in. The details, bro...they're amazing!

The body was bruised and beaten, quickly removed when
A few men entered the room and the intercom on the wall rang
She was met with a broken voice, his desperation was apparent
I left questions unanswered, they needed to test – they ran it


^I'm not sure how I feel about the words in bold. Something about them does't seem complete or stated correctly. The rest of the passage however was really nice and aided to the progression of the story.

“Body functions as to be expected, just a few tweaks to perfect it
Diagnostics confirm scientific excellence, above and beyond average
Compared to the last test subject Now field tests are required
Make it happen, men”


^I imagine if you were an actor you'd be a method one. I say that because you didn't just write this...in your mind you must have actually experienced it. Wherever you pulled this inspiration from must be a place of authenticity in some capacity because, you haven't skipped a beat yet. I feel like I'm watching more of an actual movie than I am reading a topical verse. So all credit to The author for illustrating such a lively sequence of scenes with only text and imagination as aid. Props!

I entered a waiting room, greeted by ambient music in the background
He waited ten days for this moment but an embrace was not allowed
In fear of possible damages they suggested careful interaction now
His eyes began to water, the words out of his mouth were so profound
“Elizabeth… The wait was unbearable and I was crumbling within
The hurt wouldn’t end, tell me you don’t have to stay with them”


^I think instead of saying "them" if you would have said "these men" it would have rolled of the tongue flawlessly. That one extra syllable, bro.

Regardless tho, the impact of your words was felt. At this point I'm feeling like a fly on the wall. Your writing is lucid and almost surreal to read. I think the dialogue creates a sense of real emotions being displayed. It's natural and organic in its tone and delivery. And when you couple that with the environment you've created it only adds to the realism of the experience.



I nodded in approval and we walked towards to the helicopter
Farewell doctors, his joy additional payment for what’s accomplished
Over the course of six months I grew accustomed to control the body
I knew he loved me but I didn’t know how to respond – this was wrong
He did everything in his power for a continuation of our relationship
And I couldn’t relate to it, I remember everything but can’t make it fit
I knew he hated it, sharing his life with someone who’s caught in a stranger
Lost within a stranger, forced in a stranger, it was the cause of his anger



^There was two things I made note of and wanted to critic...but fuck...who cares? I mean, wow, bro, you've officially taken the concept and made it your own. The way you captured her thought process and emotional state is incredible. The apathy, the empathy, the confusion, the strangen of it all. Simply excellent!

He adapted to everything but couldn’t bear the lack of physical contact
Caught in her memory was the location of the place where they first met
We went there at sunset, the conditions were perfect and I shut my eyes
He held her thighs and kissed her like a fragile love was resurrected inside
He felt like they were one again, I could tell from his obvious sigh of relief
Autopilot activated, I shut down the monitor and scribbled...
"Experiment succeeded"


^Ok, there were a couple moments in this verse where the narrative seemed to switch between characters abruptly. This is one of those moment. Was it Liz that was describing the scene or were the last few lines written to indicate it was all part of an intricate plot devised by Dr. Nathan? Enlighten me.

OAN

Wow...how spectacular was that rhyme scheme? How ingenious was the detail. Incredible stuff, E.

And

I loved how you left the door open for an additional episode. I'm sure Sammy, Dizz, or Neek, will write The next chapter.

Honestly

Fuck you guys! I swear between the lot of you...you make me look bad. I write some shit, you guys follow it up and kill me at my own game. LoL.

In all seriousness tho

This was beyond dope!

Bodybag status.


Peace...


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 3:44pm
Holy shit that's amazing feedback Self, I'm glad it turned out exactly the way I wanted it to. Confusing at the end. 

But first to answer the "Left questions unanswered" line. From the very beginning she was controlled by a doctor (not necessarily Dr. Nathan), I tried to hint that a couple of times. For example with the questions line, because the first thing a normal person would want is to talk/see her partner.

Regarding the "these men" you suggested for the extra syllable... I agree, should've thought of that!

And to your last question.. It was always an ingenious plot devised by Dr. Nathan. The goal was to make Matt believe that this android (I guess) was able to love him as she did before. Even though the essence of her being was completely lost. I tried to show that with the "Undressed, a new shell covered by technological progress" line. She was practically dead already, they just transferred a dying soul in a new body.

I hope that clears it a bit up for you!

Thanks again for the more than amazing feedback. I tried my best to satisfy you since the story is originally from you and I'm happy that worked out!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 3:48pm
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Woooooooooorrrrrrd

I fuckin love that angle, bro.

Real talk.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 3:55pm
Glad you liked it, ha!

Edit: the idea was actually inspired by Neek-a-Millz!

Edited by Endeavor - 10 March 2016 at 4:24pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 4:27pm
What's that?
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 5:26pm
In his feed, Neek came up with the whole Racoon city stuff and I thought hey... that'd be dope.

I call him Neek-a-Millz.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 March 2016 at 5:43pm
Oh word. Gotcha.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 March 2016 at 5:59pm
Upping this!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2016 at 10:27pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2016 at 6:46pm
upping this to remind myself to leave some feedback later on!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2016 at 10:28pm
I just skimmed through Self's verse due to lack of time, but I agree with him on this one, it seems like you made the story your own! So, it's interesting to thoroughly read your work now.. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

Her eyes opened in a twilight between sunrise and sunset
An odd feeling I confess, one second dead the other awake
Undressed, a new shell covered by technological progress
Her mind immediately connected the logic behind the upset
She rose fluidly… Glanced at her new found smooth hands
Looked at the empty body next to her, sincerely a cruel end
The body was bruised and beaten, quickly removed when
A few men entered the room and the intercom on the wall rang
She was met with a broken voice, his desperation was apparent
I left questions unanswered, they needed to  test – they ran it


Great opening lines here. The narrative has an interesting tone of mystic to it and I'm really intrigued by it. I also appreciate the depiction of the scenery right in the beginning, as well as your incorporation of a nice lit. element, it kinda contributes to the overall tone you set here, although on a rather subtle basis. So content-wise, your first stanza's really shining with terrific imagery, along with an interesting choice of vocabulary. I think the way you phrased certain lines are the highlight of this stanza, such as the "she rose fluidly" and also the "sincerely cruel end" bit were very interesting due to their amazingly vivid description. 
Your last line in this is slightly different in it's presentation compared to your preceding ones, "I left questions unanswered" sets a rather direct tone here, as well as the "they needed to test" bit. But it also contributes with an authentic pattern, so I think you did a great in balancing a rather abstract and a direct approach here! 
Scheme-wise, I actually liked how you kept it rather unconventional in terms of rhyming patterns, this had a nice balance of internals and slants as end rhymes. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

 
Body functions as to be expected, just a few tweaks to perfect it
Diagnostics confirm scientific excellence, above and beyond average
Compared to the last test subject Now field tests are required
Make it happen, men

I thoroughly love this part, because it's very original compared to what I've come to read lately in general. You maintain an incredibly vivid and yet direct tone in those lines, which is the highlight. I could really picture this very scene here, a beautiful depiction, and you conveyed it expertly. Slants are also nicely incorporated, making for a quite smooth read.
 
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


I entered a waiting room, greeted by ambient music in the background
He waited ten days for this moment but an embrace was not allowed
In fear of possible damages they suggested careful interaction now
His eyes began to water, the words out of his mouth were so profound
I split this stanza into three parts cos I wanted to emphasise on each section separately, as I think there are different degrees of enhancements which they're providing. 
I really like the course you are taking with this, and I thought this was good in terms of enhancing the narrative. It really makes me wonder what is to come next, and to keep the reader engaged as well is always a significant element, imo. There's only one tiny bit I'd maybe change, the word "now", which is to emphasise the urgency of the current situation here, but I think it could've been left out, although I also see it's "serving" a rhyming purpose here. But that's just me nitpicking tbh. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


Elizabeth… The wait was unbearable and I was crumbling within
The hurt wouldn’t end, tell me you don’t have to stay with them
I nodded in approval and we walked towards to the helicopter
Farewell doctors, his joy additional payment for what’s accomplished

It's obvious that the incorporation of the direct speech is a great talent of yours, cos you include it in a very natural, yet intriguing way. This section reads like a script excerpt to me, again, the vividness and the authenticity is the highlight here. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


Over the course of six months I grew accustomed to control the body
I knew he loved me but I didn’t know how to respond – this was wrong
He did everything in his power for a continuation of our relationship
And I couldn’t relate to it, I remember everything but can’t make it fit
I knew he hated it, sharing his life with someone who’s caught in a stranger
Lost within a stranger, forced in a stranger, it was the cause of his anger

I loved this stanza, especially the last lines really did it for me. This was beautifully depicted, raw and full of emotional layers. The "caught in a stranger" bar is very well written, rather "simple", but very effective. As a reader, you can really feel the built up empathy towards "him", it's very authentically depicted, yet with a nice balance of imagery as well, and this is what I appreciate the most here. Glad to see the course's direction in here as well. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


He adapted to everything but couldn’t bear the lack of physical contact
Caught in her memory was the location of the place where they first met
We went there at sunset, the conditions were perfect and I shut my eyes
He held her thighs and kissed her like a fragile love was resurrected inside
He felt like they were one again, I could tell from his obvious sigh of relief
Autopilot activated, I shut down the monitor and scribbled...
"Experiment succeeded"

So, this was good, but rather confusing as a closure. I think it really "lived up" to the high standards you set in the very beginning of this work. Terrific imagery again, I'm really fond of the "fragile love" part here. The last line was great in terms of finalising the whole course of action and justifying it on all perspectives, which slightly balanced out the rather unconventional change of narratives in this stanza. But the switch up of these very narratives seemed to be done randomly to me, or you intended the ending to be like that, a rather "open" one? But I'm guessing that Elizabeth is the main reference here. 

Overall, I'm impressed and really intrigued by this. A very enjoyable work, thanks for sharing! 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2016 at 12:56pm
I really doubt ill be able to add anything more than what Self and Alice have brought, they both exceptional writers - but also readers. Whats life if not for effort tho, am I right? lets do this



Her eyes opened in a twilight between sunrise and sunset
An odd feeling I confess, one second dead the other awake
Undressed, a new shell covered by technological progress
Her mind immediately connected the logic behind the upset
She rose fluidly… Glanced at her new found smooth hands
Looked at the empty body next to her, sincerely a cruel end
The body was bruised and beaten, quickly removed when
A few men entered the room and the intercom on the wall rang
She was met with a broken voice, his desperation was apparent
I left questions unanswered, they needed to test – they ran it
 
“Body functions as to be expected, just a few tweaks to perfect it
Diagnostics confirm scientific excellence, above and beyond average
Compared to the last test subject Now field tests are required
Make it happen, men”

ill! I thought you wrote the confusion bit really well. the aftermath was awesome as well. I felt it was a bit cinematic. reminded me of a 28 days later when homie wakes from the hospital. you really delivered an image of that quality for me. so bravo for that. only draw back really was the intercom speech. im not sure those are details they would freely announce. normally hospitals are hush hush with a diagnosis, mostly kept on charts. but for story purposes? well played.

 
I entered a waiting room, greeted by ambient music in the background
He waited ten days for this moment but an embrace was not allowed
In fear of possible damages they suggested careful interaction now
His eyes began to water, the words out of his mouth were so profound
“Elizabeth… The wait was unbearable and I was crumbling within
The hurt wouldn’t end, tell me you don’t have to stay with them”
I nodded in approval and we walked towards to the helicopter
Farewell doctors, his joy additional payment for what’s accomplished
Over the course of six months I grew accustomed to control the body
I knew he loved me but I didn’t know how to respond – this was wrong
He did everything in his power for a continuation of our relationship
And I couldn’t relate to it, I remember everything but can’t make it fit
I knew he hated it, sharing his life with someone who’s caught in a stranger
Lost within a stranger, forced in a stranger, it was the cause of his anger


this segment is real dope! I assumed the Dr nod was the segway into him controlling Liz and his thoughts on Matts reaction. which gives a nice little spin there. monitoring more than just the patient, but perhaps the real subject is Matt. to see if this science would work in the future. really well written so far because you leave more doors open than you have closed. youre just walking us through the house of wonders. we're still free to wander. thats what makes an awesome piece. no confinement. subtle direction.




He adapted to everything but couldn’t bear the lack of physical contact
Caught in her memory was the location of the place where they first met
We went there at sunset, the conditions were perfect and I shut my eyes
He held her thighs and kissed her like a fragile love was resurrected inside
He felt like they were one again, I could tell from his obvious sigh of relief
Autopilot activated, I shut down the monitor and scribbled...

"Experiment succeeded"

Boom! very very very very well done. such a perfect closer. Again, the images you craft are awesome. I could see all of this unfolding without you directly saying what was happening. this was an excellent addition to the story, and one I think Self would dig. he loves that Big Brother out to get us shit lol. Thanks for sharing bro! as always..you killed it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2016 at 12:59pm
Thanks for the feed Alice and Neek-a-Millz. Very appreciated!!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2016 at 10:02pm
After I read this drop, i went back and checked out your first one. The 'techincal writing' improvement from that verse to this one was very noticeable in my eyes. However, there is no need for me to live critiqued-feed towards the other verse. It was solely to catch me up on what I missed. 

What really grabs the attention of the reader is the story and how you portray it. Your had the ability in both of the verses to catch the readers interest, hold it through the plot, and top it off with the perfect ending. I loved the concept and can really feel the emotions of both characters. The imagery and word usage is outstanding. The very first line of this verse is an example of perfectly placed word usage for imagery.

"Over the course of six months I grew accustomed to control the body
I knew he loved me but I didn’t know how to respond – this was wrong
He did everything in his power for a continuation of our relationship
And I couldn’t relate to it, I remember everything but can’t make it fit"

This section was absolutely perfect in describing the technological emotions or feeling of no emotions that she was receiving. 

Great piece of writing, and the 5 stars it has is well deserved. I will mark it as well. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2016 at 10:24pm
@The Law

The first verse was actually my verse.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2016 at 10:29pm
Originally posted by SELF ACTIVATE SELF ACTIVATE wrote:

@The Law

The first verse was actually my verse.

Didn't even realize that when I read it. I'll go drop some feedback in it then while it's fresh in my mind. 
Go my Minions!


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