Open Mic: Nightmare and a Dream |
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key3 
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Joined: 04 January 2014 Status: Offline Points: 136 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-5-1 Form: LLWLLN |
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 Topic: Nightmare and a DreamPosted: 28 March 2016 at 8:01pm |
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I had a nightmare and a dream at the same time woke up screamin it aint mine thinking i lost my damn mind cuz when i closed my eyes i saw that i'm, a father with a daughter thats fourteen who could easily pass for, anything thats between sixteen n twentyfour and the pass few months have been a war she been cutting her eyes n sucking her teeth doing a lot of shit thats bold, like i wont put my foot in her ass. i guess she think she to old cuz i heard she been getting into fights at school and hanging out like she all to cool talkin to a nigga that should of graduated like last-year and he want to be a rap-per said she gonna be a trap-queen and it'll be a happily ever af-ter my baby mama said she already slapped her calling my phone wondering what to do took a toke of the weed and a sip of my brew then it all faded from my point of view i had a nightmare and a dream at the same time woke up screamin it aint mine thinking i lost my damn mind cuz when i closed my eyes i saw that im just a little nigga with big dreams to one day run the whole rap scene i can flow for days n every bar clean and my homie makes beats n they all mean copped them shits for only fifty on the low low made a demo tape and got me my first show rocked that shit n smashed me a groupie she had B-cup, Titties and a big-ol, booty and i aint gonna lie bruh i had to hit it raw in the V.I.P. lady's bathroom stall i was blowing up quick, hoes all on my dick yea everything was good n dandy getting paid to tour no more free randy i'm talking more money than i ever seen now that big booty bitch claiming billie jean n come to find out she only four teen saying i'm the one, yea it gotta be you then it all faded from my point of view |
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 28 March 2016 at 8:25pm |
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Well, this was oddly satisfying lol. In terms of technique it's not amazing but damn, I loved the story lol. The first verse is something I haven't seen or heard before, so you get props for that. Usually it's people talking about their kids when they're newborn up until they're like 8 years old. So yeah, I liked this.
Flow was smooth throughout, I just didn't follow the transition in the middle of the first verse. This section:
I see what you did, but I'm not able to replicate it. Unless you say "rap-per" like "rap-peer". Then it would work I guess. The second verse was a lot more solid regarding flow and you made me laugh. Especially the line where you described the girl. I always spit the most retarded freestyles to my girlfriend and they usually contain that type of shit. And then I wonder why she doesn't wanna listen to my verses lol. Overall: This was basic, yes... But the stories in both verses were well done, the flow (for the most part) was smooth and enjoyable and you gave me that Warren G kinda vibe. So I like.
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#Bananas
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key3
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Joined: 04 January 2014 Status: Offline Points: 136 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-5-1 Form: LLWLLN |
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Posted: 29 March 2016 at 9:12am |
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thanks for the feed bro and yea haha the part in the first verse was a flow thing i didnt know how to really write it out, tho i knew just simply reading the words it would be off beat its how i say it that makes it work by slowing down and picking up the speed of some words. i should mention that both stories evolve around the same girl for example the "rap-per" i mention in the first verse is the perspective i'm speaking from in the 2nd verse. Also id like to work on making drops less basic just not to sure how to or what i could do to be better any suggestions for that would be appreciated too
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 29 March 2016 at 2:15pm |
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Oh of course! Should've picked that up earlier, ha. As for complexity: the best bet is starting out with multiple syllable rhyming. You had that a couple of times during the verse, so the start is there. Just don't try to overdo it. Sometimes a multi will come over as forced and ruins the flow and content of the line.
We actually have a really good guide here on LA. Check out the dedicated section for an in depth breakdown. |
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#Bananas
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