Open Mic: [KOTOM] Imprisoned

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Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
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    Posted: 27 April 2016 at 8:52pm
"The Edge...There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over"

Chorus :
There's no one, to tell you the truth,
cause everyone, is dead and doomed,
i'm in jail now, and my strength is used,
you'll see, a dying man, if my face is zoomed, (x2)


Each night sleepless like a hero, i've got no business with my pillow,
i get off my fucken bed,,, rest my hands before the window,
feeling helpless like a widow, i raise my eyes to the stars,
see the life i ever wanted, now i'm chained behind the bars.
It all started like a joke with my boys on em streets,
cracking jokes laughin hard, pushin candy like its sweet,
but em niggas never knew, we was just dancing with the devil,
getting closer to the edge, with our tik laying on the table.
We never reasoned with no nigga, we just pulled the fucken trigger,
causing gang wars on em streets, and em scenes kept gettin bigger,
in the blink of an eye, ammo took away my niggars,
and as high as all we was, the cops came and shot the dealers.
Our dream got shattered, we all got scattered,
my friends all dead, fams lack no fathers,
we all get on the edge, lanes ain't same structured,
you saw my life end, in shame like failed hustlers.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 12:07am
So, it's nice to see you participating this month!

I liked the chorus, it had a very direct tone to it, which I appreciate. Although I'm more used to seeing it in combination with more than one stanza, I thought it was nicely done. The last line, "if my face is zoomed" could've been worded differently to make it more interesting, it seems rather statement-ish as it is now. I guess you were just trying to keep the rhyme scheme consistent. Speaking of which, I think the chorus flowed nicely. The first line seemed to have an uneven syllable count compared to the others, though, which is just a minor point here. A form of an intro or a "preface" could've enhanced the readability in the beginning, since the overall composition of this work appears to be rather short, and your third line in the chorus makes me wonder about the reason for the circumstances you're depicting. 

Your opening segment was nice with a quite strong emotional appeal and some vivid descriptions with the "rest my hands" bit, and it's good to see you maintaining that direct approach with which you started off with in your chorus. It's also nice to see you employing a comparison, but it would've been great to have some more detail to the scenery here, such as the reason as to why you chose this comparison to a widow. This piece has a very direct change in tone towards the middle section. You started off with some quite nice imagery, and shifted your approach to a direction which you alluded to in your chorus. So it's nice to see the consistency here. But I wasn't overly fond of the middle section, since it's a very common pattern you employed here, which can also easily get repetitive scheme-wise. The ending was good, though, from the "our dream got shattered" part onwards you created a nice closure with some quite nice imagery. 
I think some more details to the overall content could've made this work more interesting. Your interpretation of the quote was very subtle to me, but I think this piece was still quite nice in its overall composition. A very smooth read overall. 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 5:26am
Thanks for the feed Alice. Yes i should've put more effort in this but time was my limittin factor. I'll fight to find more of it in the next month. I just saw the KOTOM program last night and thought to cook some up quickly. I wanted this to be audio so when i get time i'll still work on it.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 7:46am
You know, it's always an issue when Alice drops feed. She's very thorough and doesn't leave much room for additional critique. So that's awesome.

Leggo!

Quote There's no one, to tell you the truth,cause everyone, is dead and doomed,
i'm in jail now, and my strength is used,
you'll see, a dying man, if my face is zoomed

I agree with Alice here. The face is zoomed part felt sudden and kind of out of place in the context it is used right now. It started out a bit choppy with the flow but nothing a creative delivery can't fix. Regarding the content of the chorus... I like it a lot. I especially liked the third line into the fourth as it states that you're tired and no longer able to fight. Takes a man to admit such a thing and it always something much more powerful.

Quote Each night sleepless like a hero, i've got no business with my pillow,i get off my fucken bed,,, rest my hands before the window,
feeling helpless like a widow, i raise my eyes to the stars,
see the life i ever wanted, now i'm chained behind the bars

Alice nailed it once again. Why the comparison to a widow? The opener itself is nice, though!

Quote It all started like a joke with my boys on em streets,cracking jokes laughin hard, pushin candy like its sweet,
but em niggas never knew, we was just dancing with the devil,
getting closer to the edge, with our tik laying on the table.

This is a dangerous section as it can turn out in to the typical "gang lyfe" scenario. As I don't know what's to come after this (I almost always read and feed at the same time), I hope it's not exactly that.

Quote We never reasoned with no nigga, we just pulled the fucken trigger,causing gang wars on em streets, and em scenes kept gettin bigger,
in the blink of an eye, ammo took away my niggars,
and as high as all we was, the cops came and shot the dealers. 

Ah damn, it's exactly that haha. Even though it's a gang piece, it still holds some strength. This is because of 1) the chorus and 2) the part where you stated it started out as a joke.

Quote Our dream got shattered, we all got scattered,my friends all dead, fams lack no fathers,
we all get on the edge, lanes ain't same structured,
you saw my life end, in shame like failed hustlers.

I like what you did here... Initially it didn't rhyme to me and then I took another glance and noticed you employed a big 'ol flow switch here, that's nice. As for being a closer, you did well.


Overall: A few minor flow hiccups and I wish you were a bit more descriptive about certain events. You took the quote and made it yours and took me in a story which was fairly smooth to read. So yea, I like this!
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 8:28am
Thanks for the feed
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