Open Mic: Ladies and Dragons

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    Posted: 28 April 2016 at 2:03pm

The picture pictured fell to pieces of his father figure
Figures.. the figure scribbled ventures to ledges
He exits and enters an adventure mirrored by liquor
She kisses him and he kisses the kisses she delivers
Vigorous whispers of sinners go through twitter fingers
Aunties sister shivers and mommies pills get her sicker
Sick of twisted dinners triggered by a bitter lizard
Magicians and wizards turning facts to fiction, vivid-
-images of a cheating father , red lipstick leaking on collars
He’s seeking for others to start repeating the horror
She’s screaming and hollers but he cannot be bothered
Whenever he’s leaving the office he’s pleasing a goddess
Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles
These indecent reasons are why I’m running to anvils
Can you please craft me a sword and board mister blacksmith
I practiced I’m small but I can hold a sword plus I got tactics
He bolted towards the dragon, ready to behead….

“What are you doing, son?”

He saw a picture of a father figure in shape of a dragon
Figures… with a wild imagination this was destined to happen
Destiny attracted me to Destiny… Attractive and Latin
Something I never had and besides his mommy I already had her
Destiny’s badder and better in bed – an important factor
Factoring in her hips and tits as an asset-
-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?

#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 5:12pm
Hello friend,good to see you've dropped a verse,I believe this is
the 1St time I've feed a solo piece by you I'm.quite looking forward
to this..


The picture pictured fell to pieces of his father figure
Figures.. the figure scribbled ventures to ledges
He exits and enters an adventure mirrored by liquor
She kisses him and he kisses the kisses she delivers
Vigorous whispers of sinners go through twitter fingers
Aunties sister shivers and mommies pills get her sicker
Sick of twisted dinners triggered by a bitter lizard
Magicians and wizards turning facts to fiction, vivid-
-images of a cheating father , red lipstick leaking on collars
He’s seeking for others to start repeating the horror
She’s screaming and hollers but he cannot be bothered
Whenever he’s leaving the office he’s pleasing a goddess
Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles
These indecent reasons are why I’m running to anvils
Can you please craft me a sword and board mister blacksmith
I practiced I’m small but I can hold a sword plus I got tactics
He bolted towards the dragon, ready to behead….

Well that opening was good,had nearly made me tongue tied in my head
whilst reading,liked how you had double up the words and made good
use of turning them into nice bedfellows,you showed good imagery in
this segment,an adulterous is the killer of most family life,and the kid
or kids always suffer the most,torn by torment of trying to under-
stand or to comprehend the gravity of it all,they become the fallout
or the problem within their own minds,the tempo was great,I liked how
you was building this up,and the detail here were really sweet,I also
like the criptic tones here,make a reader think,also the innocence of
the child taking up thought of revenge to make it right...nicely done.

“What are you doing, son?”

He saw a picture of a father figure in shape of a dragon
Figures… with a wild imagination this was destined to happen
Destiny attracted me to Destiny… Attractive and Latin
Something I never had and besides his mommy I already had her
Destiny’s badder and better in bed – an important factor
Factoring in her hips and tits as an asset-
-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?

in this segement,I liked how the father's reasoning to justify he's
actions once the realisation of the picture sunk in,how he's own
selfishness was placed above he's own family,then to top it all,he
justified it by thinking in time the child would grow and understand,
the why's,not realising a seed he planted,could end up becoming like
a father like son situation,that's the imagery I took from this drop
because the details made this a vivid read,and I honestly enjoyed it
all,the creative (explore the contents for meanings) which pull a
reader in was great,a job well done here,I liked it alot that's why
I'm gonna give this 5 stars...peace.

(and if I've misconstrued the concepts let me know).



Edited by Crimson Juice - 28 April 2016 at 5:19pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 5:22pm
Thanks for the amazing feed, Crim. You were spot on with everything. One thing I'd like to add is the whole dragon metaphor. In the picture there isn't a dragon but the dad sees it anyway. It's some sort of way of identifying himself with his son and actually setting him up on becoming the same.
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 5:32pm
I got that believe it or not,we all use monster for referencing the
bad,this was such a good and interesting piece,respect..
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Big ups Crim! Always a 100 with your feedback!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Naga Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 April 2016 at 7:47pm
Sup, returning the favour.

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

The picture pictured fell to pieces of his father figure
Figures.. the figure scribbled ventures to ledges
He exits and enters an adventure mirrored by liquor
She kisses him and he kisses the kisses she delivers
Vigorous whispers of sinners go through twitter fingers
Aunties sister shivers and mommies pills get her sicker
Sick of twisted dinners triggered by a bitter lizard
Magicians and wizards turning facts to fiction, vivid-
-images of a cheating father , red lipstick leaking on collars
He’s seeking for others to start repeating the horror
She’s screaming and hollers but he cannot be bothered
Whenever he’s leaving the office he’s pleasing a goddess
Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles
These indecent reasons are why I’m running to anvils
Can you please craft me a sword and board mister blacksmith
I practiced I’m small but I can hold a sword plus I got tactics
He bolted towards the dragon, ready to behead….

“What are you doing, son?”

He saw a picture of a father figure in shape of a dragon
Figures… with a wild imagination this was destined to happen
Destiny attracted me to Destiny… Attractive and Latin
Something I never had and besides his mommy I already had her
Destiny’s badder and better in bed – an important factor
Factoring in her hips and tits as an asset-
-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?


I will start off saying that this flows beautiful, multis, internals and end rhymes are fluid and match up all where they should - and in abundance too, so that's nice.

Your theme is astute and plays out nicely as a satirical fairy-tale piece; that certainly is original and gives flavour to the whole piece altogether. I could read without breaking off at any point so can see this translating into an audio mic.

Overall a solid write, keep it up brutha.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 April 2016 at 3:21am
Kinda tired...but I'll hit you with a full breakdown on this in the A.M., bro.
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Thanks for the feed, Naga!

Up, up and awayyyyy.
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Only have a few minutes so I'm going to leave some proper feed later on, a quite intriguing work as it stands now, though. And an interesting picture choice as well. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2016 at 12:50am
So, to start off, interesting picture choice here. It certainly underlines the tone which you already set in your title, being an almost fable-like one. Speaking of which, I like the slight subtleness in your title. It kinda alludes to more than just the "common" tale, indicating to a present adaptation, which is intriguing. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

The picture pictured fell to pieces of his father figure
Figures.. the figure scribbled ventures to ledges
He exits and enters an adventure mirrored by liquor
She kisses him and he kisses the kisses she delivers
Vigorous whispers of sinners go through twitter fingers
Aunties sister shivers and mommies pills get her sicker
Sick of twisted dinners triggered by a bitter lizard
Magicians and wizards turning facts to fiction, vivid-

Damn. This is a very strong opening segment. The first lines are impeccable, content- as well as technical wise. I thoroughly enjoyed the tongue twisting approach here, which is executed very well. Your employment of consonance is remarkable here as well, particularly in the very first lines. I appreciate the cleverness, such as in the "twitter fingers" bar. You also incorporated great imagery, vividly depicting the scenery, visible through lines such as the "mirrored by liquor" one. This very depiction feels incredibly authentic, your description of the "shattered" image of the father was particularly good, and I'm very intrigued by this beginning.

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

-images of a cheating father , red lipstick leaking on collars
He’s seeking for others to start repeating the horror
She’s screaming and hollers but he cannot be bothered
Whenever he’s leaving the office he’s pleasing a goddess
Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles
These indecent reasons are why I’m running to anvils
Can you please craft me a sword and board mister blacksmith
I practiced I’m small but I can hold a sword plus I got tactics
He bolted towards the dragon, ready to behead….

“What are you doing, son?”

This piece is taking a very interesting direction. I love the metaphorical basis of the dragon from the child's as well as the reader's perspective, along with the linkage between your title and this very stanza in particular. It's an incredible creative approach. I think you also expertly conveyed the overall tone, which you alluded to in your opening segment as well. Scheme-wise, it was very well done, the switch ups were smooth and made for an easy read. 

 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

He saw a picture of a father figure in shape of a dragon
Figures… with a wild imagination this was destined to happen
Destiny attracted me to Destiny… Attractive and Latin
Something I never had and besides his mommy I already had her
Destiny’s badder and better in bed – an important factor
Factoring in her hips and tits as an asset-

So, this is relatively obvious, but the way you incorporated specific words into the descriptions of both the father and the son with such contrasting depictions, such as the "figure" one, is truly amazing. I think this part was truly great for that very reason. 

Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?


Great closure here. I appreciate your depiction of the echoing thoughts of the father as well as his attempt to ease his mind as he seeks affirmation, subconsciously, hinting at possible, similar actions from his son once he "understands" it. If my interpretation is not too far-fetched, that is. 

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the very creative approach in this and the great metaphorical incorporation you had. It was also good scheme-wise, and I loved the overall composition of this work. A truly great read here. 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2016 at 2:01am
I appreciate the feedback, Alice. Always of the highest quality and it makes me happy when I'm even able to impress you!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2016 at 5:10am
I just wrote a huge breakdown on this piece and it got deleted cus i back tracked by accident.  Anyway Ima start over but short version...  From what I remember you for, was just like me..not sure if You or myself would ever find our own style.  I believe I found mine in a way.  But I can see after all this time you found yours.  I knew if you kept up with it , it would be more on the poetic type shit.    That first section of your was brilliant.  the mirror and then she kisses the kisses?  Great writing there.  I was impressed.  Way to paint a portrait thru words.  leaving the office pleasing a goddess was smooth.  I mean real smooth.  And then your last stanza was great too.  You really killed it on this one.  Best drop since you have been back.  You have developed into a beast of a writer...I'm verry happy to see that  

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2016 at 8:34am
End this was crazy bro! An awesome amalgamation of imagery and satire that just worked so well. I have to echo Exo, i think you found your niche man. I really enjoyed this a great deal! Write more, hoe! ha! The schemes in the beginning (the alliteration pattern and train of thought-esque scheme) had me vibing like... oh shit! 

Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles

dope!


I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring. -David Bowie (RIP)
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Thanks a dozen guys. Glad you see the progression, Exo! I guess we both came a long way, eh?
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2016 at 6:41am
Sooo...

Where was I?

Quote The picture pictured fell to pieces of his father figure
Figures.. the figure scribbled ventures to ledges
He exits and enters an adventure mirrored by liquor
She kisses him and he kisses the kisses she delivers


^That's a really nifty prosody you got there, E. The consonance sounds and repetition of the same words but in different meanings and context was unique a well constructed technique. More impressively, beyond novelty of the mechanics ,the story itself actually makes sense and has a soul. Thus far, it reads somber, but I like somber. Therefore, I'm intrigued.


Quote Vigorous whispers of sinners go through twitter fingers
Aunties sister shivers and mommies pills get her sicker
Sick of twisted dinners triggered by a bitter lizard
Magicians and wizards turning facts to fiction, vivid-
-images of a cheating father , red lipstick leaking on collars
He’s seeking for others to start repeating the horror
She’s screaming and hollers but he cannot be bothered
Whenever he’s leaving the office he’s pleasing a goddess


^Ok so I'm guessing the imaginative language is indicative of a child's mind trying to interprete the adult drama that is transpiring around him, right? Clever.

Also, the imagery -- poetic -- whimsical -- simply brilliant.

Quote Seizing her Eden, daddy a dragon and he’s burning the castles
These indecent reasons are why I’m running to anvils
Can you please craft me a sword and board mister blacksmith
I practiced I’m small but I can hold a sword plus I got tactics
He bolted towards the dragon, ready to behead….
“What are you doing, son?”


^LOL. I can picture it happening -- the little boy charging at his father ... bouncing against his legs and then collapsing backwards on the floor without the father budging or ever really knowing what his son was thinking. Good shit E. The small inclusion of real time dialogue was dope too and added a more real world relatability to the verse.

Quote He saw a picture of a father figure in shape of a dragon
Figures… with a wild imagination this was destined to happen
Destiny attracted me to Destiny… Attractive and Latin
Something I never had and besides his mommy I already had her


^That was dope. Especially the play on the name. And with all these plays on words I wonder if the "Latin" part was a play on language? If so that's extra dope. If not it still is. LOL.


Quote Destiny’s badder and better in bed – an important factor
Factoring in her hips and tits as an asset-
-I guess a little kid would never understand it….


^That's fucked up. But as a grown ass man I personally understand it.

Quote He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?


^As two grown ass men that were once young boys at some point I venture to say we both know that's a rhetorical question, isn't it? See what I did there? Ahhh shit did it again...lol.

Anyway, you body bagged and buried this verse, E.

Glad I read it.


Peace...

Edited by SELF ACTIVATE - 03 May 2016 at 6:48am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2016 at 9:33am
Lmao Self, awesome breakdown.. Two rhetorical questions back to back? I think you're on to something, man!
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Up. Because I can!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Alphabetboys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 May 2016 at 6:17pm
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?

 
This piece is distinctive for many reasons.
The writer explores adept lyricism in establishing the body
of his striking imageries. I especially favour the the closure...
the rhetoric question...the vague tomorrow that must waste in
uncertainty.
 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Alphabetboys Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 May 2016 at 6:18pm
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:


-I guess a little kid would never understand it….
He couldn’t stand it but as time passes I’m sure he’d understand it?
Wouldn’t he?

 
This piece is distinctive for many reasons.
The writer explores adept lyricism in establishing the body
of his striking imageries. I especially favour the the closure...
the rhetoric question...the vague tomorrow that must waste in
uncertainty.
 
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