Open Mic: [KOTM May] A Love Story

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Ridley Squat View Drop Down
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    Posted: 01 June 2016 at 12:00am
I've always loved working here man, such a cool atmosphere
Everybodies laid back like there's fuck all that matters here
I'm always seen as a freak, and not much of lad I fear
Till I'd been here a week, and I'd fucked all the slappers here

Cos this is my world ... my domain ... my asylum
I run the nightshift ... in the basement ... in silence
And if ever the loneliness makes me an island
There's always girls here if you know where to find 'em

And when like-minded guys that I met on a forum
Come round join the party, it never gets boring
They start offering me cash ... it's getting harder to say no
And they leave the girls looking like plasterers radios

Some nights the girls get bruises ... but they never mind the pain
Another twenty-five is paid, to help indemnify the shame
They can objectify those dames 'til all the deserts cry with rain
Long as they never try to ... wait ... I think it's best if I explain

One of the girls here is my favourite I won't mention her by name
But she exemplifies the way a girl can set your mind aflame
To even see her with another guy intensifies the pain
Like when her ex came by to see her ......... to identify remains

Look I'm a jealous guy, it's plain ... and she's no rabid dog in bed
But she would rather stay right here and get her salad tossed instead
I know her body inside out, more than that faggots gone n said
Says he can't ID for sure ... just cos she hasn't got a head

That's disrespectful to my girl, and just fucking abhorrent
So he got followed to his car. And now they got something in common

But you know all this already ... cos you're the fucking nightwatchman

You fixed those damn security cameras, now I'm left with no option
You could've left it and jogged on, but you elected to watch on
Now you're tied up here and naked - expect for your socks on
And I'm slicing up your face, getting my Reservoir Dogs on!

You know, it's funny ... I used to love working here

But once I've dropped this lighter to the petrol on the floor
And the atmosphere's ignited, it won't be dead cool anymore
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 June 2016 at 9:27am
Ok, I'll go

There was nothing clever here
The rhyming was basic
And parts looked like they were rushed for some kind of deadline
The tie in at the end was terrible
But on a plus, it was short

Stay up
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levy420 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote levy420 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 June 2016 at 11:05pm
I liked this good story line great twist at the end vocab was good threw out only complaint is u might of took to much time on the build up in the beginning I woulda shortened that portion an added the lines to the middle of the story to really get descriptive of how she was killed an how u did it before the recap once her ex came to identify the body an in the second couplet I woulda set it up like this

Cos this is my world ... my domain ... my sweet asylum
I run the nightshift ... in the basement ... cries meet silence
Think it adds to the build up of what's about to take place

Overall this was a good take on this month's om king challenge good drop Ridley this is getting slept on for sure
I'll explode at the drop of a dime like proximity mines
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Storm $hadow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 June 2016 at 12:24am
I've always loved working here man, such a cool atmosphere
Everybodies laid back like there's fuck all that matters here
I'm always seen as a freak, and not much of lad I fear
Till I'd been here a week, and I'd fucked all the slappers here

The opener was plain and simple, with the end rhymes(multiz) added to it, it does flowed well. Third line was comprehendable, i think otherwise for the fourth though: couldn't grasp a meaning out of it(seem twisted). Basic end rhymes and flow were tight.


Cos this is my world ... my domain ... my asylum
I run the nightshift ... in the basement ... in silence
And if ever the loneliness makes me an island
There's always girls here if you know where to find 'em

No words here rhyme to me(ofcourse, it might have to be the fault of my pronunciation). Keeping to the content, connectivity and flow is going well here.


And when like-minded guys that I met on a forum
Come round join the party, it never gets boring
They start offering me cash ... it's getting harder to say no
And they leave the girls looking like plasterers radios


This very well connects with the two bars above it but 'forum and boring' rhymes? Not when storm is pronuncing them though.


Some nights the girls get bruises ... but they never mind the pain
Another twenty-five is paid, to help indemnify the shame
They can objectify those dames 'til all the deserts cry with rain
Long as they never try to ... wait ... I think it's best if I explain

Having the idea in mind that these ladies are more or less whores(pardon me if i contradict anything here). Story keeps getting better and clearer, especially with the basic criterias.


One of the girls here is my favourite I won't mention her by name
But she exemplifies the way a girl can set your mind aflame
To even see her with another guy intensifies the pain
Like when her ex came by to see her ......... to identify remains


This part is centered on you, the lady and your emotions, got it. Only a line was dedicated to her description, you missed it here for me(or maybe you're not the descriptive type, straight to the points)


Look I'm a jealous guy, it's plain ... and she's no rabid dog in bed
But she would rather stay right here and get her salad tossed instead
I know her body inside out, more than that faggots gone n said
Says he can't ID for sure ... just cos she hasn't got a head

I missed this part.


That's disrespectful to my girl, and just fucking abhorrent
So he got followed to his car. And now they got something in common
But you know all this already ... cos you're the fucking nightwatchman
You fixed those damn security cameras, now I'm left with no option


Sacrificed rhyme for the purpose of maintaining balance in your story, not bad. Your flow was also affected with the way you stretched some lines.




The reason i am stop here is because i'm becoming more confuse.

You could've left it and jogged on, but you elected to watch on
Now you're tied up here and naked - expect for your socks on
And I'm slicing up your face, getting my Reservoir Dogs on!
You know, it's funny ... I used to love working here
But once I've dropped this lighter to the petrol on the floor
And the atmosphere's ignited, it won't be dead cool anymore



This is something good, not as the write himself imaged it to be with his feed.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 June 2016 at 3:32pm
Cheers guys.

Very interesting to see what you both made of it. I tried to reveal bit by bit, but didn't realise there was an alternative (but equally valid) way to interpret it. But that's on me for not making clearer, so lesson learned. Careers month, and I never actually got round to saying what his job was.


Look away now if you're playing along at home...














He was a Morgue Attendant.
Hence the cool atmosphere haha.
And all the women were already dead.
Even the one that was his favourite was already decapitated from start ...

So yeah, A Love Story, lol. Though I since regret not calling it "Cool Story Bro"

(And the "My Asylum" bit, and the section after, were keyed at around 5 minutes to June, just before the deadline, so agreed room for improvement there for sure ... that's why I was so down on it before)
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