Open Mic: Memory Lane(topical battle verse) |
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Slip 
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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 Topic: Memory Lane(topical battle verse)Posted: 13 June 2016 at 10:17pm |
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Memory Lane I really should of stayed home, why'd i have to go today of all days, i had to travel down this road chill in my bones heart in my throat feeling alone with no sense of hope sick from the dope at the end of my rope owned by the opioid's fuelled by the coke out of my mind trying to cope with these lines poppin pills to forget but still it reminds i should know better than this i know what it does, losing someone i love still isn't enough it was her birthday today and im still doing drugs slowly killing my self while i escape threw a buzz so hard to believe Vanessa is gone, wrong place bad timing i still see her body surrounded by light like a silver lining higher than the mountains both lying on our backs staring at the clouds lid back in the grass memories flash as i swig from the flask remembering the lipstick from her lips on the rim of a glass and her ass in those jeans that use to fit her so nice ,Vanessa my angel the love of my life who's no longer with us after that night when the overdose came she paid the ultimate price we both fell asleep in a field full of dreams but only my eyes opened to the morning sun beams she stayed and i left shes there and im not now my life is a nightmare im wishing would stop but over again it replays in my head the image was horrid her lying there dead as i cried and i wept over her cold body unforgettably painful the weight is still on me i will carry it forever until we meet again, its bin five long years im unable to mend my broken heart my weakened soul i need it to end, getting high trying to die to be with my friend travelling down memory lane a road that i dread, why'd i have to go and say what i said reminding myself i wish i was dead i put a knife to my neck and utter a threat oh why'd i have to witness such a horrible death ,pray to god i wake up dead finish off the booze and a bottle of meds, cry myself to sleep alone in my bed
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ILL Natured
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Joined: 10 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 2 |
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Posted: 13 June 2016 at 11:32pm |
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This was a good read.Damn.The highlight of the whole piece is the flow of the story..although the actual flow fell off at times the story was consistent and pure.
"My favorite lines were:it was her birthday today and im still doing drugs slowly killing my self while i escape threw a buzz" This same up the thoughts throughout the verse and all of the thoughts in your head during this time..Great work well done |
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mjbloodshot
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Joined: 17 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 11 |
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Posted: 17 June 2016 at 11:48am |
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That was Hella deep I liked it alot
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4gettable Lame
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Joined: 14 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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Posted: 17 June 2016 at 2:51pm |
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this hit home for me,...
the opioid epidemic is a huge problem every where!,... like Everybody knows someone who has a problem!,... pills,dope,dead its a cycle and its a sad one smdh!,... lyrically the piece is nice flow was spottish at first,... though after awhile as a reader i picked up on the pattern,... then it made sense!,... as far as flow wise i mean,... the emotion of this is is what really stood out,... like i really felt this,... as i said the story hit home,... gosh man whyd u have to go and,... make a dude get misty eyed and ish,... great read here!,... rereading! |
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Storm $hadow
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Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Posted: 17 June 2016 at 3:46pm |
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This was good. From my own perspective, it was the Imagery that took it to a new level. I saw how you were trying to create an image of how hot she looks, how you guys would stay in the field together, etc. You tried but it felt weird to me(LOL), can't tell why. Maybe i'm used to the slip with punches and self-hype verses.
However, you could have been more descriptive and detailed with the imagery considering how you took the aspect. Like painting an image of the environment, a 4-6 bars dedicated to what you both were doing while on the grass(expression on both faces like giggle and laughing or doing drugs with a hard face. Whichever way you play your love). Also, this doesn't stir up the deep, intense, sad emotional that you lost someone very dear to you. Love your starter, it connects with the content and the title in the sense that you're travelling through a lane which is in the mind. Good one |
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 18 June 2016 at 10:01pm |
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thanks for the feedback boyz
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 19 June 2016 at 7:18am |
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Slip I'll post feedback when i through with work..peace bro.
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 19 June 2016 at 4:53pm |
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I know I voted in this in the battle section,but I did from a battle
point of view,so now the feed.. I really should of stayed home, why'd i have to go today of all days, i had to travel down this road chill in my bones heart in my throat feeling alone with no sense of hope sick from the dope at the end of my rope owned by the opioid's fuelled by the coke out of my mind trying to cope with these lines poppin pills to forget but still it reminds i should know better than this i know what it does, losing someone i love still isn't enough it was her birthday today and im still doing drugs slowly killing my self while i escape threw a buzz so hard to believe Vanessa is gone, wrong place bad timing i still see her body surrounded by light like a silver lining higher than the mountains both lying on our backs staring at the clouds lid back in the grass memories flash as i swig from the flask remembering the lipstick from her lips on the rim of a glass (the first thing that springs out in this segment is the detail,then followed by the tempo,the detail such as these lines here, "chill in my bones heart in my throat feeling alone with no sense of hope sick from the dope at the end of my rope owned by the opioid's fuelled by the coke" "higher than the mountains both lying on our backs staring at the clouds lid back in the grass memories flash as i swig from the flask remembering the lipstick from her lips on the rim of a glass" now to the tempo in the part made for easy reading,plus you wording choice was decent too,feeling it for sure..) and her ass in those jeans that use to fit her so nice ,Vanessa my angel the love of my life who's no longer with us after that night when the overdose came she paid the ultimate price we both fell asleep in a field full of dreams but only my eyes opened to the morning sun beams she stayed and i left shes there and im not now my life is a nightmare im wishing would stop but over again it replays in my head the image was horrid her lying there dead as i cried and i wept over her cold body unforgettably painful the weight is still on me i will carry it forever until we meet again, its bin five long years im unable to mend my broken heart my weakened soul i need it to end, getting high trying to die to be with my friend travelling down memory lane a road that i dread, why'd i have to go and say what i said reminding myself i wish i was dead i put a knife to my neck and utter a threat oh why'd i have to witness such a horrible death ,pray to god i wake up dead finish off the booze and a bottle of meds, cry myself to sleep alone in my bed (in this segement the despaire in grief is the highlight,hitting the booze and drugs to ease and block the pain,whilst all the while he's fueling the grievien process and delaying the acceptance of he's loss, the details make it a tragic read,which is why in the battle I voted for this verse..) Overal a Ripe read,nicely littered with detail and references to grief, I liked it,the story progressed well,and the tempo carried it along at a nice pace,enjoyable read and good work..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 19 June 2016 at 6:44pm |
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Gimme a few hours, Slip. Slept on feeding this too long.
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 20 June 2016 at 3:25pm |
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thanks for the feed again crim , and endeeze better wake up lol
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 21 June 2016 at 9:28am |
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OK AT LONG LAST... Those few hours resulted in two days, lmfao
I had a few issues with the flow here but I do love the wording. It's simple, effective and heartfelt. I especially love the transition from the second bar into the third and fourth. It has a nice bounce to it due to the assonance. Great stuff. I also like that you gave the lover a name. It's often forgotten or referred to as "her". That's what I do most of the time, bad habit I guess.
Alright, flow for me is pretty off here but I do like the imagery used. The bolded part is by far my favorite. It's such a small section in the entire verse but it makes everything so believable. AND I can see it in front of me. That, people, is how you write topicals. Detail!
Here I didn't like the bolded part. Not because it's bad but it doesn't translate well in the rest of the piece because of the redundancy. The section that follows after it already portrays a nightmare, so try to keep that out for the next time. The last line is mad dope, though.
Yeah.... I like this. I even sensed a slight piece of conflict here. Is the person shocked because he witnessed a death you wouldn't wish to anyone or because his lover died? Or maybe both? Real nice. It adds a layer of depth. I love the bolded line! Reminds me of that Hollohan track he wrote for his friend Bruce B. If you don't know it, listen to it. It's really dope (link below). I liked the closer but it would've been REALLY dope if you changed "cry myself to sleep" to "cry myself to death". Yeah... That'd be cool. All in all, it's a pretty dope verse with some issues regarding flow (at least to my end). Usually I'd complain because it's a bit on the basic side, technical wise, but you did have some excellent metaphors and in this case the basicness actually made it better. If I were to write something like this I'd probably go on an abstract route and probably take away from the effectiveness that this topic has. Emotion. So you did really well here. Link to the Hollohan song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHAf39N0VdA
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 21 June 2016 at 12:13pm |
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thanks for the long awaited detailed feed back,i think my topical skills are growing with each verse i write i really enjoy doing them,and yeah ive seen that viodeo a few times im a big fan of hollohan,,ive actually partied with pat stay ,quake and ghetto child on George Street, St Johns Newfoundland good times
if you dont know who Quake is he's dope as fuck to there all from Nova Scotia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF7Z1P1wVcE ,,link to Quake
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Endeavor
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Posted: 21 June 2016 at 12:27pm |
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Oh, that's awesome. Wasn't aware that you're from Canada. Join KOTD and rip emcees a new butthole, lol. I'ma listen to that track right now.
EDIT: Damn, can't listen to the track. Retarded German youtube blocking that shit. I'll listen to it when I get home. Edited by Endeavor - 21 June 2016 at 12:39pm |
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 21 June 2016 at 1:07pm |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4dqcfJ1uhU
thats his newest video
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Exoduzt
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NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 22 June 2016 at 3:05am |
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Slip I'm really feeling this drop dude. You came with emotion and your flow was on point. this one section was pretty flawless
"should know better than this i know what it does, losing someone i love still isn't enough it was her birthday today and im still doing drugs slowly killing my self while i escape threw a buzz so hard to believe Vanessa is gone, wrong place bad timing i still see her body surrounded by light like a silver lining higher than the mountains both lying on our backs staring at the clouds lid back in the grass memories flash as i swig from the flask remembering the lipstick from her lips on the rim of a glass"----this whole section was very well written. Flow was on point used the multiez well and the emotion in this was really obvious. Great work rite here. "and her ass in those jeans that use to fit her so nice ,Vanessa my angel the love of my life who's no longer with us after that night when the overdose came she paid the ultimate price"--some strong shit rite here man..I'm impressed. Your last 3 ending bars were powerful. You painted a cray emotional picture in my head. This was some great writing. Good shit on this piece homie..I can't wait to see what you post next |
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Slip
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Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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Posted: 22 June 2016 at 3:36pm |
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thanks for the feed exo maybe if we can come up with a dope topic we can duke it out
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