Open Mic: Dreamstates.. (Endeavor and Crimson)

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
Author
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2941
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Dreamstates.. (Endeavor and Crimson)
    Posted: 17 June 2016 at 7:29pm
Endeavor..


And thus the heavens parted… The departure made me feel nauseous
My thoughts, awestruck – A retarded drool flows into a pond which
Has been formed by auspice, the cause is the arrival of my conscience
A landscape flawless filled with fairytales, gossip and flowers that are gorgeous
I’m possessed with Gnostics, this dreamstate will help me achieve nirvana!
Weird holes in my hands made me lose my jewels – Stigmata!
Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening
So let’s Say Ma is good natured but at the same time attracted to schemes
My mischievous grin and her abstract dreams make everything possible-
-As long as you can keep imagining – So when darkness looms, I asked for it
When the hue shifted, she demanded it – Passion is where the Crimson cavern is
Follow the golden lanterns friend and beware the snakes the halls are scattered with
And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes
You’re past the point of no return, I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery, I’m a revenant, A magic beast
and waking up is the only way to battle me,


Crimson..


my thoughts are monotone,constant no respite I heave under their groans,
tormented in my world alone,in need of a queen to share this weary thrown,
sleep comes another realm a new zone,horrid acts play out I want to postpone,
sitting at a spining wheel just in skin and bone,sword in my hand I just honed,
the undertones of the what's known,I feel cold stone in this realm i own,
I hear loud shrieks and moans,constant it's like a Banshee with a megaphone,
heightened senses I must stay prone,and cast out this fear for the unknown,
through the dark and confusion I roam,exploring with my finger tips I comb,
twisted thoughts and fear I condone,I feel the hollow-ness like a honeycomb,
I continue forward and roam,a spec of light in the distance the way is shown,
my heart beats like a metronome,the fear is felt deep down to my marrowbone,
I'm now in a deep state of REM sleep,still continuing forward to the light I creep,
The creak of a wooden floor under my feet,alerts me I'm not being to discreet,
My pillows wet from the sweat I secrete,my forehead like a child in pain weeps,
I want to wake up from this realm of conceit,or find a corner or make a retreat,
I can see I resemble linen i'm white as a sheet,or freshly fallen snow or sleet,
The groans now loud continue I try to remain up beat,fear from my core seeps,
I feel I'm the next in the offering of meat,or the next victim to become obsolete,
I get a taste in my mouth it's bittersweet,a shadow engulfs me of a dark deceit,
The darkness clears I see myself in a heap,body smashed like cracked wheat,
Like sheep I cry out and bleet,then jump to life and find myself in a hotel suite,
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 June 2016 at 8:01pm
Ha! Dope as shit, Crim. Will leave a feed tomorrow!
#Bananas

Back to Top
Storm $hadow View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 25 July 2015
Location: Abuja
Status: Offline
Points: 329

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Storm $hadow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 June 2016 at 9:00pm
Endeavor




And thus the heavens parted… The departure made me feel nauseous
My thoughts, awestruck – A retarded drool flows into a pond which
Has been formed by auspice, the cause is the arrival of my conscience
A landscape flawless filled with fairytales, gossip and flowers that are gorgeous
I’m possessed with Gnostics, this dreamstate will help me achieve nirvana!
Weird holes in my hands made me lose my jewels – Stigmata!
Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening




Now, this is extremely insane:

-Your wordings are superb, intelligently written and the lines themselves were poetic. I personally like the stigmata line and the line before it(all the lines here were solid gold though).







Crimson






my thoughts are monotone,constant no respite I heave under their groans,
tormented in my world alone,in need of a queen to share this weary thrown,
sleep comes another realm a new zone,horrid acts play out I want to postpone,
sitting at a spining wheel just in skin and bone,sword in my hand I just honed,
the undertones of the what's known,I feel cold stone in this realm i own,
I hear loud shrieks and moans,constant it's like a Banshee with a megaphone,




The opener is something else(top notch), i love the internals and end rhymes alongside the consistency you kept with them. Flowing poetically in the same direction the first guy own went despite the entirely different approach.





Endeavor



And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes
You’re past the point of no return, I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery, I’m a revenant, A magic beast
and waking up is the only way to battle me,




Despite my inability to clearly comprehend most drops of this manner, i totally grasp every single words in the closer. The 'beast/me and Soul/foes' rhyme. Though, i noticed you didn't pay much attention to rhyming aspect and neither does it make any difference or snatched your verse of it greatiness.










Crimson



I feel I'm the next in the offering of meat,or the next victim to become obsolete,
I get a taste in my mouth it's bittersweet,a shadow engulfs me of a dark deceit,
The darkness clears I see myself in a heap,body smashed like cracked wheat,
Like sheep I cry out and bleet,then jump to life and find myself in a hotel suite



Just as your openers, the closers weren't any different: both written with different approach. It was with the last line that i actually realized that you were in a dream and you still kept your internals and end rhymes tight, props for the consistency.







This deserve a better feed and which i myself cannot give because i usually struggle to very well understand a piece like this especially the first verse. The second verse was much clearer to me though: Trapped in his own nightmare where the character was being tormented mentally due to the condition of the environment. At first, i had the idea of a character who is lonely, not until i read the ending parts.




Endeavor- The dope heads i believe will throw more light and better feeds at yours. Will keep looking at this thread so that i myself can get the whole picture.




Crimson- Nice poetry man, you picked the perfect person to collab with.
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 June 2016 at 10:05pm
Thanks, Storm. The whole Alice in Wonderland segment was basically a nod to Alicewonder herself. I just had to put it in there and it fit within the concept of this drop. It's also my favorite fairytale because of all of the insanity and I firmly believe that if I had full control of my dreams i'd see stuff like that lol
#Bananas

Back to Top
4gettable Lame View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 14 June 2016
Status: Offline
Points: 16
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote 4gettable Lame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 June 2016 at 12:44am
this was so nice!,...
ok so like first
I’m possessed with Gnostics, this dreamstate will help me achieve nirvana!
Weird holes in my hands made me lose my jewels – Stigmata!
Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening
So let’s Say Ma is good natured but at the same time attracted to schemes
My mischievous grin and her abstract dreams make everything possible-
-As long as you can keep imagining –
this shit here crunched on em!,...
 
Follow the golden lanterns friend and beware the snakes the halls are scattered with
And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes
I liked this to but when u said it twice I was like wait, ok, hot!...
 
endeavor came strong,...
 
crimson did his thing wit shit like,...
my thoughts are monotone,constant no respite I heave under their groans,
tormented in my world alone,in need of a queen to share this weary thrown,
sleep comes another realm a new zone,horrid acts play out I want to postpone,
sitting at a spining wheel just in skin and bone,sword in my hand I just honed,
the undertones of the what's known,I feel cold stone in this realm i own,
I liked this
 
all in all this was a great collab,...
thanks for posting,...
 
rereading!,...
Back to Top
Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 21 October 2014
Status: Offline
Points: 1134
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Audio Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-1-0
Form: L
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 June 2016 at 9:36am
This is a great collab peeps.

I like how Ende's calmly delivers his story and how Crim just gets in the beast mode, lol yeah that's cool...


Endees

"I’m possessed with Gnostics, this dreamstate will help me achieve nirvana!
Weird holes in my hands made me lose my jewels – Stigmata!
Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening"

You got flow ma man, you got flow. I like the imagery here quite strong and motivating me to write.

And ending especially the last line lol quite unpredictable man that made me laugh a bit, cause you started your verse with a nice tone then BoOm the crazy conclusion but it's all cool cause you were building towards it nicely. Afterall it's a dreamstate...


Sup Crim

"I'm now in a deep state of REM sleep,still continuing forward to the light I creep,
The creak of a wooden floor under my feet,alerts me I'm not being to discreet,
My pillows wet from the sweat I secrete,my forehead like a child in pain weeps,
I want to wake up from this realm of conceit,or find a corner or make a retreat"

Fuck the flow is dope and how you manage to kick imagery in the process? i give that a hallelujah. I could see the pictures, the movements and almost every detail there could be, i think you did a great job with the rest of the verse.



This is hot fellas, i give it a 10+


Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 June 2016 at 10:30am
Thanks bro's. It's appreciated!

Crim:

I know I asked you to do this collab with me and man... You impressed me mad hard with those bars. In fact, I thought they were so good I got a writersblock lol. I told Alice that I'd have to do my best to keep up with you. Here's why:

Quote my thoughts are monotone,constant no respite I heave under their groans,tormented in my world alone,in need of a queen to share this weary thrown,

This is exactly what I'm talking about. The first bar immediately draws you in and you know you're in for a hell of a ride. 

Quote sleep comes another realm a new zone,horrid acts play out I want to postpone, sitting at a spining wheel just in skin and bone,sword in my hand I just honed,

That second line is mad genius. I got the impression that it was a reference to the Sleeping Beauty that actually murdered the Prince as opposed to being saved by him. Mad clever. If it wasn't that reference, it's still dope!

Quote the undertones of the what's known,I feel cold stone in this realm i own,I hear loud shrieks and moans,constant it's like a Banshee with a megaphone,

Clever. The inclusion of a megaphone gives a sense of awareness. That's it not real what he's seeing and hearing.

Quote heightened senses I must stay prone,and cast out this fear for the unknown,through the dark and confusion I roam,exploring with my finger tips I comb,

Immense attention to detail. Real dope.

Quote twisted thoughts and fear I condone,I feel the hollow-ness like a honeycomb,I continue forward and roam,a spec of light in the distance the way is shown,

Could you elaborate on the condone bit? It felt out of place unless you got a certain meaning behind it. I'm unable to catch it. I loved the spec of light line!

Quote my heart beats like a metronome,the fear is felt deep down to my marrowbone,I'm now in a deep state of REM sleep,still continuing forward to the light I creep,

A rough bit of flow switch but again, I love the attention to detail.

Quote The creak of a wooden floor under my feet,alerts me I'm not being to discreet,My pillows wet from the sweat I secrete,my forehead like a child in pain weeps,

SELF would love this section. As do I. Again real subtle attention to detail which when all put together paints this vivid image.

Quote I want to wake up from this realm of conceit,or find a corner or make a retreat,I can see I resemble linen i'm white as a sheet,or freshly fallen snow or sleet,

This is where you, as a reader, can feel genuine nervousness. What did you smoke prior to writing this? lol!

Quote The groans now loud continue I try to remain up beat,fear from my core seeps,I feel I'm the next in the offering of meat,or the next victim to become obsolete,

Loved the next victim to become obsolete section. Like you're worth nothing in your own dream if you fail to make it. Clever inclusion.

Quote I get a taste in my mouth it's bittersweet,a shadow engulfs me of a dark deceit,The darkness clears I see myself in a heap,body smashed like cracked wheat,
Like sheep I cry out and bleet,then jump to life and find myself in a hotel suite,

Loved the ending. Do you know that movie Room 1407 or whatever the number is? The whole verse gave me a sort of feeling like I got from that movie.

Overall: Your verse is bonkers and I think you definitely outshined me on this. We should do this again!
#Bananas

Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2941
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 June 2016 at 3:34pm
@ Storm thanks for the feedback here,and for reading our pieces,I
will return the favour for sure..peace.

@ Forgettable it's refreshing to read a new alias taking time to
feed,and I agree with you,Endeavor's was Ripe,plus I shall..keep
an eye out for your alias when dropping feed,thanks.

@ Sky,thanks for taking the time to read,and like the others
for leaving detailed feed,and it I haven't left feed for you
prior this,rest assured I will respect..(lol..where's my sig)

@ Endeavor I will leave you feed via a pm,as I don't want to
clog this thread,and to think i wanted to rewrite this cuz i
thought you didn't like it cuz i wrote it quite quick,I had
too cuz of my work schedule,this has been fun,and as far as
collabs go with you,like I said before any day of the week
for you friend and twice on sundays,much respect and thanks
for asking me in the 1st place to do this..respect friend.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
Slip View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 04 June 2013
Location: St Johns. N.L.
Status: Offline
Points: 1502
Crew: Alter Egos

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 14-33-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Slip Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2016 at 2:43pm
this was dope a great match up
endeeze very descriptive writing i like it

Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening

this ^^was dope af

At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes

really liked this^^ bit to im a big fan of alice in wonder land and of alicewonder to
the abstract feel to this verse is nice

You’re past the point of no return, I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery, I’m a revenant, A magic beast
and waking up is the only way to battle me,

and you ended it off well

I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery,,,,,,,,,was savage

nice peace from endeeze

crim you started off strong right out the gate im diggin it
and you carry it the whole way threw its hard to break it down into segments 
descriptive well told story to keep a reader reading

I can see I resemble linen i'm white as a sheet,or freshly fallen snow or sleet,
The groans now loud continue I try to remain up beat,fear from my core seeps,
I feel I'm the next in the offering of meat,or the next victim to become obsolete,
I get a taste in my mouth it's bittersweet,a shadow engulfs me of a dark deceit,

this part for me was on fire dope as fuck

and a nice little twist at the end

what i like about this collab is the unusual outside the box feel that we dont normally see

very entertaining read from both 


Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2016 at 4:05pm
Thank you, Slip!
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 645
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2016 at 7:50pm
Just had a chance to read through this, going to provide feedback tomorrow. Some undoubtedly great work as it stands now, though. 
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2941
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2016 at 10:13pm
Sorry Endeavor I just seen this from you..


"Could you elaborate on the condone bit? It felt out of place unless you got a certain meaning behind it. I'm unable to catch it. I loved the spec of light line!"

Well the bar prior this I have heightened sense via fear,and as much
as I hate the feeling,I condone it because it's helping to keep my
wits about me,thus helping to go forward to the light in the next bar,
encouragement via a double edge sword if you like,I hope that helps..

@ Slip thanks bro,good looks on the feed..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2016 at 11:01pm
Oh of course. That makes sense. Thanks!
Back to Top
SELF ACTIVATE View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 February 2016
Location: Kemet
Status: Offline
Points: 1376
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-0
Form: WL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 June 2016 at 6:16pm
This piece reminds me a lot of the Cheshire Dreams verse I dropped a few months back. Man, I wish I had saved that piece now and added to what you two have here. Damn. But anyway...

Endeavor


Quote And thus the heavens parted… The departure made me feel nauseous


I love pieces that open like a continuation of a story that's already in process. No build up, no wait time. Just BOOM! Straight to the good stuff. I dig it!

Quote My thoughts, awestruck – A retarded drool flows into a pond which
Has been formed by auspice, the cause is the arrival of my conscience
A landscape flawless filled with fairytales, gossip and flowers that are gorgeous
I’m possessed with Gnostics, this dreamstate will help me achieve nirvana!
Weird holes in my hands made me lose my jewels – Stigmata!


^I like how the scheme is as trippy as the content. I also like the imagery. You paint a very psychedelic picture and the experience comes across authentic. It's whimsical but insightful. Most impressively I'm not just reading the story -- I'm in it!

Quote Torn between faith, reality and fiction, mind is twisted , Lewis Carroll on a visit
The Cheshire Cat’s vision doing his damn best to make sure Alice keeps listening
So let’s Say Ma is good natured but at the same time attracted to schemes
My mischievous grin and her abstract dreams make everything possible-
-As long as you can keep imagining – So when darkness looms, I asked for it
When the hue shifted, she demanded it – Passion is where the Crimson cavern is


^Abstract and wildly imaginative. You two seem like the crafters of worlds here. One creates matter the other manipulates it and gives it form like abstract personification of imagination and manifestation. Perhaps not your intentions by design when you wrote this, but definitely what comes to mind as I read it. On the surface it seems playful and vibrate but upon close examination and meditation it comes across very layered and complex. Just how deep does the rabbit hole go? Hmmm...


Quote Follow the golden lanterns friend and beware the snakes the halls are scattered with


^The wording is top notch.

Quote And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes
You’re past the point of no return, I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery, I’m a revenant, A magic beast
and waking up is the only way to battle me


^Hmmm are we talking wakefulness here? Enlightenment? Breaking free of the chains that are mental slavery and casting the illusions of false reality aside in order to liberate ourselves from our own ego, insecurities, and fears? Shifting the paradigm and entering the real world with eyes wide open? I have no idea why I'm putting question marks on everything I'm saying...but in any case interesting stuff E. My mind is spinning like a globe. Also, great skill and display of technique throughout. Thoroughly enjoyed.


Crimson

Quote my thoughts are monotone,constant no respite I heave under their groans,
tormented in my world alone,in need of a queen to share this weary thrown,


^Crim, I like this. Nice and subtle beginning. Not over the top, but well expressed and poetic.

Quote sleep comes another realm a new zone,horrid acts play out I want to postpone,
sitting at a spining wheel just in skin and bone,sword in my hand I just honed,
the undertones of the what's known,I feel cold stone in this realm i own,


^Hmmm...I'm trying to decipher this. Are we talking destiny here as indicated by the spinning wheel and the line "what is known"? If so interesting persepective. Also, does "skin and bone" represent mortality? Likewise, does the sword represent conflict, struggle, or the strive that is life? Maybe I'm digging too deep and metaphorical, but that's my interpetation. I dig it!

Quote I hear loud shrieks and moans,constant it's like a Banshee with a megaphone,
heightened senses I must stay prone,and cast out this fear for the unknown,
through the dark and confusion I roam,exploring with my finger tips I comb,
twisted thoughts and fear I condone,I feel the hollow-ness like a honeycomb,


^I like the tone and the diction here. Its very clean and clear. The way you wrote this allows the reader to go on the journey with you. I kind of feel like a scribe writing down the events as they unfold throughout this twisted land of mystery. Also, the wording in that last line was great dude.

Quote I continue forward and roam,a spec of light in the distance the way is shown,
my heart beats like a metronome,the fear is felt deep down to my marrowbone,
I'm now in a deep state of REM sleep,still continuing forward to the light I creep,
The creak of a wooden floor under my feet,alerts me I'm not being to discreet,
My pillows wet from the sweat I secrete,my forehead like a child in pain weeps,
I want to wake up from this realm of conceit,or find a corner or make a retreat,
I can see I resemble linen i'm white as a sheet,or freshly fallen snow or sleet,
The groans now loud continue I try to remain up beat,fear from my core seeps,
I feel I'm the next in the offering of meat,or the next victim to become obsolete,


First and foremost I'd just like to bring attention to just how insane the imagery was here. You took us on a ride bud. From guiding us through the dream state to, describing intricate details told from the perspective of a soul that has astral projected out of its own body and is in a lucid state of awareness, yet is unable to wake up in the physical sense. Fuckin' dope Crim. Truly.

Quote I get a taste in my mouth it's bittersweet,a shadow engulfs me of a dark deceit,[Quote]

^...and that was dope as well!


[Quote]The darkness clears I see myself in a heap,body smashed like cracked wheat,
Like sheep I cry out and bleet,then jump to life and find myself in a hotel suite,


^Solid closer!

Overall your verse was just as complex and layered as E's. And like E you expressed your thoughts well all while displaying stellar technical ability. Great job my dude.

You guys killed this shit.

Peace...


Edited by SELF ACTIVATE - 20 June 2016 at 6:23pm
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2941
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 June 2016 at 6:37pm
SELF good to see you about friend,and thanks for our feed here,I'm
happy you posted,I was trying to tell Endeez he had a solid verse,
(now I'm sure he'll believe me..lol),anyways always good to see
you in my threads,respect SELF..peace.(p.s.hope you’ll be Droppin
soon)..
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000107

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 June 2016 at 4:30pm
Thanks for the feed, Self. Get more active !
Back to Top
Exoduzt View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar
NaCl

Joined: 08 April 2006
Location: Long Island
Status: Offline
Points: 5329
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 41-7-5
Form: WWWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 June 2016 at 2:51am
Endev:  It's funny man, every time i read your shit now I think back to the old days and what and how we use to write.  I'm so siked to see you found the style that fits you best.  This intelligent poetic type of shit.  Its awesome to see the growth and progress from back in the day.  It's nostalgic but satisfying at the same time.  

"-As long as you can keep imagining – So when darkness looms, I asked for it
When the hue shifted, she demanded it – Passion is where the Crimson cavern is
Follow the golden lanterns friend and beware the snakes the halls are scattered with
And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes
You’re past the point of no return, I’ll grab, hold and devour your sanity
Welcome in a realm of power and savagery, I’m a revenant, A magic beast
and waking up is the only way to battle me"----this was loaded with imagery and I see you stepped your flow up big time in this.  Your always dope with the vocab and imagery but what stood out was how you polished your flow up...your becoming an all around technical writer..i love it

Crim:  This might be some of your best writing I've seen.  Although I feel you need to really work and polish up that flow of yours your descriptive writing skills are really forceful in this drop.  I loved that banshee with a megaphone line.  dope shit.  

"I'm now in a deep state of REM sleep,still continuing forward to the light I creep,
The creak of a wooden floor under my feet,alerts me I'm not being to discreet,
My pillows wet from the sweat I secrete,---this was really descriptive and painted a great picture in my head.  nice writing.  I love your persistence on wanting to improve and get better as a writer.  collabin with Endev is one of the best ways to do it.

I loved the concept.  Really nice work here fellas




Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2941
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 June 2016 at 12:13pm
Thank you Exo for taking time to reading and feeding our drops,
good looks on that,I agree Endeavor piece was complex and layerd
well,plus he's tempo was ripe..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 645
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 June 2016 at 11:59pm
So, I finally get to thoroughly read through this. 

End, I guess you already know how I feel about your verse. I truly enjoyed the striking poetic tale with the beautifully abstract references. The complexity lies within those layers of depth, which appears to be relatively subtle on the surface, but very intriguing if read upon further. Content-wise, it was different, which is great to see. I love how you not only portrayed the journey of the "dream", but actually allowed us to take part in it, particularly with the way you started off. Technical-wise, I think that the scheme you employed here was very advanced with a nice rhythmic pattern, and compared to what I've read from you so far, I think this is the most varied one. And thanks again for the "subtle" reference, I truly appreciate it. I'd quote some highlights but I guess you can assume that which ones are my favourite lines. A very interesting and enjoyable read so far. 

Crimson, to start off, I'm thoroughly impressed by your work. This is a huge improvement to what I've read from you so far. I really enjoyed the amazingly depicted details and imagery throughout your verse, particularly in your middle segment. Your approach was rather direct, highly contributing to the lucidity factor within your depiction, which I appreciate. Content-wise, you incorporated a great stream of consciousness within this very "dream state" and descriptive imagery throughout. At some spaces in your ending segment the comparisons you employed seemed rather decent, such as the "cracked wheat/sheep" bit, but I thought the incorporation was still very solid. Technical-wise, I thought your scheme was rather simple but effective. And I think there's also a huge improvement with regard to your flow, but there were still some transitions within the segments which seemed to be not as smooth as the overall consistency which your rhythmic pattern suggests. I really enjoyed the overall composition of your verse, particularly the directness. 

A truly great read from both of you. Hope to see you both collabing again! 
Back to Top
Prolific Thoughts View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie


Joined: 25 June 2016
Location: San Antonio, Tx
Status: Offline
Points: 16
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Prolific Thoughts Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 June 2016 at 6:49pm
"As long as you can keep imagining – So when darkness looms, I asked for it
When the hue shifted, she demanded it – Passion is where the Crimson cavern is
Follow the golden lanterns friend and beware the snakes the halls are scattered with
And at the end… At the end of the rabbit hole you’ll find damaged souls
Shattered hope, a deck of cards with ill manners, broke and trampled foes"



wow, such a poetic rhythm to this piece, i enjoyed the first verse much much more than the second, much more fluidity when i was reading it. The structure, the similes  and consistency is something that made this piece imperative to me.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down