Open Mic: THINK Twice |
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joffy428
Groupie Joined: 11 January 2015 Status: Offline Points: 136 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-15-0 Form: LLLLWL |
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Posted: 19 June 2016 at 9:01am |
Im thinking twice about everything now cause everyones got a fucked up side of em. And my fucked up side.. Is like a typhoon tide if u go for a ride someone will say u died.. Nah i aint so bad yet not yet my heart still sweats.. Livin life with some regrets made big bets happy to be alive with all the life tests.
I just do my best yah like im digging for gold hold 24kt can put u in a choke hold if not u wait ull get rolled cuz no oNE thinks when thier hearts cold...wat lĂes In my fate retaliate against the fake..imight hesitate and meditate...but im thinking twice its all just bullshit playa hate To be continĂșed...... |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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OK,I'll start by saying you need some structure here,(2 lines
=1 bar as a rule),your rhyme seems scatty because of this,to be honest,this piece also came off as forced,some of your lines seemed to be stressed to rhyme,it wasn't a very pretty read,it just came off as flat,there was no standout moments here,try using some similies/metaphors,they add an extra dimension to your drop,read some of the more polished heads here pieces,you'll only benefit from doing so,our even ask for help from them,if you willing to help yourself first though,I guess Overal this piece isn't to my liking to be fair..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Yeah you gotta come with a much better structure. This is hard to read which means its hard to find a flow. Also come with a more obvious concept when you write...have some more substance to it
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joffy428
Groupie Joined: 11 January 2015 Status: Offline Points: 136 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-15-0 Form: LLLLWL |
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Yah I guess so took me 5 minutes should be putting more effort which I shall start doing ok thanks Dawgs for the feed back .
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