Open Mic: THINK Twice

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joffy428 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 19 June 2016 at 9:01am
Im thinking twice about everything now cause everyones got a fucked up side of em. And my fucked up side.. Is like a typhoon tide if u go for a ride someone will say u died.. Nah i aint so bad yet not yet my heart still sweats.. Livin life with some regrets made big bets happy to be alive with all the life tests.

I just do my best yah like im digging for gold hold 24kt can put u in a choke hold if not u wait ull get rolled cuz no oNE thinks when thier hearts cold...wat lĂ­es In my fate retaliate against the fake..imight hesitate and meditate...but im thinking twice its all just bullshit playa hate
To be continĂșed......
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 June 2016 at 1:07am
OK,I'll start by saying you need some structure here,(2 lines
=1 bar as a rule),your rhyme seems scatty because of this,to
be honest,this piece also came off as forced,some of your
lines seemed to be stressed to rhyme,it wasn't a very pretty
read,it just came off as flat,there was no standout moments
here,try using some similies/metaphors,they add an extra
dimension to your drop,read some of the more polished heads
here pieces,you'll only benefit from doing so,our even ask
for help from them,if you willing to help yourself first
though,I guess Overal this piece isn't to my liking to be
fair..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Exoduzt View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 June 2016 at 2:57am
Yeah you gotta come with a much better structure.  This is hard to read which means its hard to find a flow.  Also come with a more obvious concept when you write...have some more substance to it

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joffy428 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote joffy428 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 June 2016 at 6:46pm
Yah I guess so took me 5 minutes should be putting more effort which I shall start doing ok thanks Dawgs for the feed back .
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