Open Mic: Toxic aspirations |
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Prolific Thoughts
Newbie Joined: 25 June 2016 Location: San Antonio, Tx Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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Posted: 26 June 2016 at 11:48pm |
daaaaayyyuumm, this is the kinda shit thats makes my day, especially my day off, this is something that can be something that just stays great being read, but can also be amazing putting it on a track...this piece is proof of that. This belongs to a slow beat, matches well since its a slow read, the rhyme scheme matches perfectly.
"Picture the guy who jams while hiding in his attic, room Dope prose addict, dude, of the highest magnitude Listens to rhymes till the point that rhymings bad for you Just a few more minutes and you know his mind would snap into Any lasting feuds could be dampened by choice He learned to match a loop- he's a man with a voice Just happened to not be that managed and poised But always glad he knew a way to cancel the noise " "We've been passing it by, like it doesn't matter who likes Our verses, but we gotta bring passion to mics You can get mad when you type, can forget this is art If you talked shit in real life you would get ripped apart Twisted and dark would turn to friendly remarks But that doesn't mean we have to censor our bars" The subject matter is relatable especially regarding towards underground hiphop heads, especially text heads, this is definitely something that is classic, the impact of every bar and simile creates a bonding experience.. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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They used to sound dominant when I listened to rap
They used to sound competent with a pen and a pad Now they mimic the last faggot to spit on a track Web rappers dropping shit, ain't admitting their whack Fearing my habits- to want to toke and ponder things Pull up SoundCloud, think that no shits stopping me From hearing the hottest beats mixed with low viscosity Instead I get gangsta rap with broke philosophies? Although with honesty, this will always happen to Any meritocracy that widens their talent pool I thought you'd see some magic fused with less bad ass attitudes And no 50 cents but that's only half the truth (I liked this segment DJ,i thought your contents were good as to your concept here,the details also helped paint a decent picture too,loved how you woke up to the fact that alot of rap artistic you liked,are not as mighty now,also the feelng of being disillusioned with it all as you gain in life experience was a nice inclusion I thought,yeah I'm feeling this..) Picture the guy who jams while hiding in his attic, room Dope prose addict, dude, of the highest magnitude Listens to rhymes till the point that rhymings bad for you Just a few more minutes and you know his mind would snap into Any lasting feuds could be dampened by choice He learned to match a loop- he's a man with a voice Just happened to not be that managed and poised But always glad he knew a way to cancel the noise He just has to do music, he wants to, but fuck, Always pleasing everyone, doing nothing that's fun When he sees wasted talent it's a punch in the gut Taunting him like some groupies that don't shut the fuck up In love with the drums, not money and thugs, He tried to start rapping but he was jumping the gun Didn't know kicks from snares, the game punished him, but He knew that the under-underground was running amok (Nice imagery here,yeah I liked this part too,the guy up in he's room,not a care for what is happening else where,just intent and focused on he's hobby,(that now seems to become an obsession),working hard to elevate in the whole aspect of hip hop,(ie,making beats,stringing verses together),this was absorbing being a reader,i like it..) Couldn't humble me much- I'd fall off in a week Can't be a sacrificial lamb when you're dolly the sheep People wouldn't listen and id be calling it sleep But it isn't really rapping when you just talk to a beat That's a calling for me to tell the masses to find Someone who actually tries when their crafting their rhymes We've been passing it by, like it doesn't matter who likes Our verses, but we gotta bring passion to mics You can get mad when you type, can forget this is art If you talked shit in real life you would get ripped apart Twisted and dark would turn to friendly remarks But that doesn't mean we have to censor our bars Lately I have to say that ive been weary of God Thanked him for the fact that Prince picked a guitar A shame that some talent has to quit 'Fore it starts If musk had no aspirations, would we be getting to Mars? So I let my conscious be shrink Didn't stop to think I had the knowledge to Accomplish things because they didn't seem to probable My upbringing got the heat- But we all make our own obstacles (loved the tempo here and also the message,this was a nicely written piece,subtle but to the point in parts, then all out in your face logic,a sort of follow your heart piece and except knock backs as progression,this is probably for me your best piece to date,and the others weren't bad,shit it even provoked Me to think some..nice piece..) Overal this was Ripe,I liked how each segment told of different scenario but were all linked,from liking rap artist,to doing and making your own music,then the enlightenment of the way thing are,that you can only do what you can,but still don't let that limit you... real.nice piece,I enjoyed it...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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LAKiller
Banned Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 2 |
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Good shit!
You've come a long way!! |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Yo, I can't do a big breakdown cuz I'm on that phone and editing is a nightmare. I loved the angle here and I related to most of what you wrote . That 50 cent line was hella dope. The second verse is fucking dope cuz I definitely was that guy. So caught up in making the best and impossible rhymes that whatever I wrote started to suck. Yeah... I fuck with this. The opening segment of the third verse is exceptionally well written and do I sense a hint of self reflection there?
I think everyone can relate to the closer, but that's facts. Good shit, flame! |
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LAKiller
Banned Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 2 |
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Naught Shawn is Neeks double.
Not many people know that But on this piece I got to say you fr have elevated a whole lot. I remember when you first started you were not on this level at all. I was reading this with a bit of amazement and enjoyment. I'm glad you have became an elite writer Good shit fr lil homie! |
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Crimson already did a proper break down so i won't waste my time in doing some repetition..
I've always love your drops for their decency: Flow's smooth and thorough, end rhymes were definietly good and 'i love' the content, really good and some serious facts. Good one, flame |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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It was an original approach to quite a popular topic. I enjoyed it the whole way through and the flow/rhyme scheme did help it go down easier. It was a bombardment of substance, sometimes lyrics and flow can suffer if you try to jam content in but it didn't happen on this. Personally I liked the sacrificial lamb line the best, mostly because I like lines like that anyway but it fit perfectly in its place. I also agree with Endeavor about trying to write the best rhymes and they end up sucking lol, I think everyone can relate to that. Anyway, good shit.
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Liking the flow on the first verse. definitely there and the content is on point a i like how you are coming off like you are kind of talking it out. Second verse That opener is dope, the unknown dude killing it. Like it. There is some segments that didnt transition completely or wasnt smooth but it was minor. THe message you wrote on was definintely nice. Your writing is defo getting better. I wish to see more work from you flames. I think you need to hone in and drop some more verses like this one you have here. I liked this piece for what its worth brudda. Keep it up |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
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yo flame i thought the rhythm to this piece was dope
the ending of that first segment tho,,was fire Although with honesty, this will always happen to Any meritocracy that widens their talent pool I thought you'd see some magic fused with less bad ass attitudes And no 50 cents but that's only half the truth really diggin the direction this is headed the second segment has a good story line keeping that momentum Picture the guy who jams while hiding in his attic, room Dope prose addict, dude, of the highest magnitude Listens to rhymes till the point that rhymings bad for you Just a few more minutes and you know his mind would snap into those lines were nice People wouldn't listen and id be calling it sleep But it isn't really rapping when you just talk to a beat this bar^^ stands out for me and that whole last segment was pretty dope you got your message across and i like the way you ended it off this was an easy read with some good content nice work |
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