Open Mic: Bag Practice

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    Posted: 23 July 2016 at 2:26pm
I piece together a key, time to get your weight up
Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up'
Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it
Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth
Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind
That's been through various delirious times
Prepare for this ride...

I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef?
Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth
I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight
Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night
Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime
Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line'
Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey
When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away

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Ridley Squat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 4:00pm
Don't recall seeing anything from you before, but will look out for them.

This was a sweet sixteen.

Some played concepts but on the whole decent bars, and quotables aplenty.
Flow and multies good on the whole, but more so in the the first section, as the second seems less polished.

Quote Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it
I liked this. Pretty creative I thought.

Quote Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth
This sounds like it must have been done before. But if not, kudos, classic bar.

Quote I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef?
Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth
I am quoting this as one of my 3 favourites, but also feel it's one word away from extra multi on the first line ... I'm starvin to eat? ... nah that sounds weird but summit like that.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 4:38pm
Thanks man. Yeah I definitely did struggle to balance substance/flow a little more in the second verse. Tried a few different angles with that one.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 1:49am
This was pretty nice. I agree with Ridley with the first segment being the stronger one here. The schemes you employed were very nice and the rhythmic pattern came off as natural for the most part. Some references seemed to be rather common ones, such as the "food chain" one, while others were pretty creative, such as the "crack in my tooth" play. Nice work overall. 
Looking forward to read more. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 1:54am
I piece together a key, time to get your weight up
Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up'
Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it

wasnt over the moon on the bowling reference. but those last two bars tho? homie..that was pretty fresh.

Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth
Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind
That's been through various delirious times
Prepare for this ride...

sick ass rhyme scheme. loved this section.

I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef?
Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth
I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight
Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night
Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime
Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line'
Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey
When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away

overall, the way you carried this theme was nice. the hook that holds it. the boxing references tied in with 'punch' line king. you had some slick stuff in here. I didnt like the sharpened my teeth line tho, esp after some of the schemes you employed. enjoyable as fuck to read tho. thanks for sharing your scribbles.
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Xces View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Xces Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 2:05am
I piece together a key, time to get your weight up
Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up'
-
Not a huge fan of this bar, the set up feels flat and the punch wasn't super crisp either but the concept was interesting.
-

Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it
Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth
-
The second bar here is good as stated above I'd be hard impressed if no one has done this as it is a fairly straight forward idea but comes across clean.
-
Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind
That's been through various delirious times
Prepare for this ride...
- I like this scheme a lot no further coment.


I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef?
Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth
- Not a fan, this bar specifically is really played.-

I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight
Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night
- Love it, the final line clinches this one made me laugh-

Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime
Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line'
- this was also a fairly played line but it's done decently well.

Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey
When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away
- I like this closer but the starting section is def the strongest part-

Overall I enjoyed it but there are little bits you could chop out and improve on.
Good shit though man.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote BIG GAME Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 3:19am
Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

I piece together a key, time to get your weight up
Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up'


I had to google how many bowling balls were in a rack.
(10 total, knock 2 down, 8 up) okay, I get it now.

I see ate up/weight up, being associated in a sense but I believe this mistakingly is two punchlines,
stuck in one. They both seem to need their own set-up bar. They just don't seem to be completely  relevantly fittting. For instance: "sucker you get ate up" should probably be associated with the homophone "bowl". As in: a bowl to eat, and to bowl; the sport. Using that concept seems more suitable for the set-up bar. Nevertheless, I like how you are experimenting with wordplay here.
Wordplay punchlines make for the more interesting pieces.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it


This was executed quite nicely. I have no bad critique on the conceptual side of things.
It was worded well. The multi-syllable rhyme was on point. Nice job.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth


This punchline wasn't a bad concept completely, but I feel it was either maybe; too basic, or not completely thought out. Essentially, this could be as simple as saying: I'm going back to my roots like I'm diggin up my family tree. Which may work, with a great and relevant set-up line, which also, in my opinion, this bar here lacks. But first, still momentarily focusing on the punchline, when I say "not completely thought out", I mean; it's missing a noun such as "pain". For Ex. Pain's going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth. I'm not sure how you would choose to associate something like that with what you are trying to here, but I'm just giving an example of how your punchline is not making complete literal sense as is. Lastly, the set-up line and the punchline do not seem to be completely relevant. Good job on the imutli-rhyme scheme though. Nice internals there as well.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind
That's been through various delirious times
Prepare for this ride...


This was more for the sake of rhyming and transitioning. I dig the rhyme scheme. It's laid out well.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef?
Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth


Not bad here. Not really feeling the concept here unless you were to metaphorically express that you are a shark or something. But without including that factor, I think of a "biter" when I see this expression.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

]I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight
Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night


This was a nice concept (Ronda "Rowdy" Rousey). Nice multis. Not sure where the "sinking spirits" plays in. But I dig it

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime
Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line'


you may need to explain this one to me.

Originally posted by Goryo. Goryo. wrote:

Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey
When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away


Lol. Good closer. I'm diggin the concept and the rhymes.


I have read other rhymes of yours and I'm quite confused.
According to the closer on this particular piece, you are "female".
But then again, in your piece Erotic Psychotic Vol. 1, you seem to be "male". (at least after the second bar) You do not have to disclose that information if you don't wish to, I just wasn't sure.

But as for this piece overall, it was a nice and fun read. I enjoyed all of the wordplay and punches.
Keep them coming.

Oh, and I dig the title as well.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 8:18am
Thanks for the feed folks. Regarding that first bar it was an attempt at multiple entendres. Like obviously the key (kg) and weight line, but also how pins are knocked in a lock with a key and 'ate up' fits in to weight as well as the bowling reference. Think it was oversaturated a bit but I gave it a shot. I was trying a few ways to word it and just thought 'ah fuck it' lol.

Big Game I'm feeling the 'pain going back to my roots' spin on it. Sinking spirits was a play on both drinking alcohol and sinking someone's spirit, and the 'line' one was an uncut coke reference.

And yeah I'm a hermaphrodite lol. Nah I'm a guy. Thanks for the feedback though everyone. Much appreciated.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 July 2016 at 8:31am
I loved the flow of this piece,effortless to read also,plus I
thought your contents Overal was decent too,i was feeling this
drop here,i thought the punchline line was nice also,good work
enjoyed the read...peace.
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before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 3:56pm
This was a nice surprise.

Very well written verses here, you kept the wording simple but still kept certain bars complex.

Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it
Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth
I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth
^^^^^..... This was cool, liked the concepts



sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight
Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night
^^^^^^^^..... This made me laugh, interestingly angled line


Overall this was a nice read, hope you stick around LA
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 July 2016 at 8:32am
There's not much more to add than what the ones before me told me. But I've been looking into that "crack in the tooth" punchline. I couldn't find anything that's the same in the way you used it. So a creative approach I must say, because others... Well, not so creative.

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Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it
Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it

Bonkers bro, bonkers.
#Bananas

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