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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Posted: 23 July 2016 at 2:26pm |
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I piece together a key, time to get your weight up Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up' Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind That's been through various delirious times Prepare for this ride... I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef? Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line' Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away |
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Ridley Squat
Street Team Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Don't recall seeing anything from you before, but will look out for them.
This was a sweet sixteen. Some played concepts but on the whole decent bars, and quotables aplenty. Flow and multies good on the whole, but more so in the the first section, as the second seems less polished.
Stay up Stay active |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Thanks man. Yeah I definitely did struggle to balance substance/flow a little more in the second verse. Tried a few different angles with that one.
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was pretty nice. I agree with Ridley with the first segment being the stronger one here. The schemes you employed were very nice and the rhythmic pattern came off as natural for the most part. Some references seemed to be rather common ones, such as the "food chain" one, while others were pretty creative, such as the "crack in my tooth" play. Nice work overall.
Looking forward to read more.
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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I piece together a key, time to get your weight up
Knock two pin heads down at once, sucker you get 'ate up' Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it wasnt over the moon on the bowling reference. but those last two bars tho? homie..that was pretty fresh. Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth Spittin the scariest rhymes from a precarious mind That's been through various delirious times Prepare for this ride... sick ass rhyme scheme. loved this section. I'm ready to eat, you feel like startin a beef? Cause I'm hungry for a win and I've just sharpened my teeth I'm sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night Putting holes in a punchbag like Foreman in his prime Pure unfiltered aggression, I'ma floor em with a 'line' Got you under the thumb, I ain't your wife but hey When I get you in the 'ring' you've fuckin signed your life away overall, the way you carried this theme was nice. the hook that holds it. the boxing references tied in with 'punch' line king. you had some slick stuff in here. I didnt like the sharpened my teeth line tho, esp after some of the schemes you employed. enjoyable as fuck to read tho. thanks for sharing your scribbles. |
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#Bananas
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Xces
Groupie Joined: 21 February 2015 Location: Vancouver, BC Status: Offline Points: 143 |
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BIG GAME
Newbie Joined: 16 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 4322 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-4-0 Form: WLWWLW |
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I had to google how many bowling balls were in a rack. (10 total, knock 2 down, 8 up) okay, I get it now. I see ate up/weight up, being associated in a sense but I believe this mistakingly is two punchlines, stuck in one. They both seem to need their own set-up bar. They just don't seem to be completely relevantly fittting. For instance: "sucker you get ate up" should probably be associated with the homophone "bowl". As in: a bowl to eat, and to bowl; the sport. Using that concept seems more suitable for the set-up bar. Nevertheless, I like how you are experimenting with wordplay here. Wordplay punchlines make for the more interesting pieces.
This was executed quite nicely. I have no bad critique on the conceptual side of things. It was worded well. The multi-syllable rhyme was on point. Nice job.
This punchline wasn't a bad concept completely, but I feel it was either maybe; too basic, or not completely thought out. Essentially, this could be as simple as saying: I'm going back to my roots like I'm diggin up my family tree. Which may work, with a great and relevant set-up line, which also, in my opinion, this bar here lacks. But first, still momentarily focusing on the punchline, when I say "not completely thought out", I mean; it's missing a noun such as "pain". For Ex. Pain's going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth. I'm not sure how you would choose to associate something like that with what you are trying to here, but I'm just giving an example of how your punchline is not making complete literal sense as is. Lastly, the set-up line and the punchline do not seem to be completely relevant. Good job on the imutli-rhyme scheme though. Nice internals there as well.
This was more for the sake of rhyming and transitioning. I dig the rhyme scheme. It's laid out well.
Not bad here. Not really feeling the concept here unless you were to metaphorically express that you are a shark or something. But without including that factor, I think of a "biter" when I see this expression.
This was a nice concept (Ronda "Rowdy" Rousey). Nice multis. Not sure where the "sinking spirits" plays in. But I dig it
you may need to explain this one to me.
Lol. Good closer. I'm diggin the concept and the rhymes. According to the closer on this particular piece, you are "female". But then again, in your piece Erotic Psychotic Vol. 1, you seem to be "male". (at least after the second bar) You do not have to disclose that information if you don't wish to, I just wasn't sure. But as for this piece overall, it was a nice and fun read. I enjoyed all of the wordplay and punches. Keep them coming. Oh, and I dig the title as well. |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Thanks for the feed folks. Regarding that first bar it was an attempt at multiple entendres. Like obviously the key (kg) and weight line, but also how pins are knocked in a lock with a key and 'ate up' fits in to weight as well as the bowling reference. Think it was oversaturated a bit but I gave it a shot. I was trying a few ways to word it and just thought 'ah fuck it' lol. Big Game I'm feeling the 'pain going back to my roots' spin on it. Sinking spirits was a play on both drinking alcohol and sinking someone's spirit, and the 'line' one was an uncut coke reference. And yeah I'm a hermaphrodite lol. Nah I'm a guy. Thanks for the feedback though everyone. Much appreciated.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I loved the flow of this piece,effortless to read also,plus I
thought your contents Overal was decent too,i was feeling this drop here,i thought the punchline line was nice also,good work enjoyed the read...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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This was a nice surprise.
Very well written verses here, you kept the wording simple but still kept certain bars complex. Yeah, my flow's sick, many years it took to mold it Ain't even on the food chain I'm the hook that holds it Still the Punchline King? Yeah.. That is the truth I'm going back to my roots like there's a crack in my tooth ^^^^^..... This was cool, liked the concepts sinking spirits, get your crew and send em to fight Like Ronda's man I get rowdy at the end of the night ^^^^^^^^..... This made me laugh, interestingly angled line Overall this was a nice read, hope you stick around LA |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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There's not much more to add than what the ones before me told me. But I've been looking into that "crack in the tooth" punchline. I couldn't find anything that's the same in the way you used it. So a creative approach I must say, because others... Well, not so creative.
Bonkers bro, bonkers.
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#Bananas
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