Open Mic: Demonic thoughts of an evil man |
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Kay B
Superior Member Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: Watford Status: Offline Points: 9428 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 58-32-0 Form: LLWWWW |
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Posted: 23 July 2016 at 5:41pm |
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Demonic thoughts of an evil man'll haunt him daily Heard voices shout about mistakes truly thought "im crazy" "Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished" A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish" Flashbacks of a fathers abuse either verbal or punches Turned to self harm the second he believed all the dumb shit.. ..Studied how to perform acts in secret, so no one'll see Types to leave no obvious marks, types were no one'll bleed Kept this up for months, hoped it'd leave when he'd learnt a lesson Earnt a blessing, until one day mum saw, concerned she questioned.. She rolled up his sleeves an' observed progression A tear now fell from her eye explained he heard agression The words in my heads a truth an' a hurtful impression Believed like a hero in the tabloids he deserved a section... ....True Story |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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I liked this piece..
Demonic thoughts of an evil man'll haunt him daily Heard voices shout about mistakes truly thought "im crazy" "Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished" A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish" Flashbacks of a fathers abuse either verbal or punches Turned to self harm the second he believed all the dumb shit.. I thought you opened extremely strong. it has a nice schitzo vibe. you explain the mindset and why you began to get there. the offsetting of trauma. its all real dope. ..Studied how to perform acts in secret, so no one'll see Types to leave no obvious marks, types were no one'll bleed Kept this up for months, hoped it'd leave when he'd learnt a lesson Earnt a blessing, until one day mum saw, concerned she questioned.. She rolled up his sleeves an' observed progression A tear now fell from her eye explained he heard agression The words in my heads a truth an' a hurtful impression Believed like a hero in the tabloids he deserved a section... ....True Story this was a nice contiuation, it shows the otherside (the mothers pain) and how much love is deeper than any scar ever will be. this is a nice piece to shake the rust off. I felt it was more a glimpse than a full picture. id hope you maybe return at a later date and get a bit more descriptive. but I enjoyed the read. thanks for sharing. |
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#Bananas
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BIG GAME
Newbie Joined: 16 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 4322 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-4-0 Form: WLWWLW |
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Nice drop as always Kay B.
very smooth transition for segment one to segment two. I'm not sure if you did it intentionally, but in the second to last line, you switched up to first person. I actually thought that added a hidden allegory within. In a way, finally, exposing the writer as being the character. That's the way I viewed it. My favorite line here reminded me of something I think Eminem would write: "Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one Nice drop here bro. Enjoyable. |
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Kay B
Superior Member Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: Watford Status: Offline Points: 9428 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 58-32-0 Form: LLWWWW |
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Thanks for the feed, appreciated
Yeah neek it was originally going to be longer and go more into depth as said at the end its a true story so more to it since the mother finding out, just felt enough was vented at the time, thanks again |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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I look forward to reading more if you continue with it but this was good all the same. I could feel the helplessness at some parts. Organised well with the inner narrative justifying your actions etc, I also liked how the first section had a 'a tear falls from an eye' line and the second had 'a now tear fell from her eye' line. Dunno if it was accidental or not but subtle shit like that really adds to the depth of a verse for me. Reads like it would fit real well over the 'Rock Bottom' beat lol.
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Kay B
Superior Member Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: Watford Status: Offline Points: 9428 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 58-32-0 Form: LLWWWW |
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Haha thanks man, nah it was intentional i was showing how the actions had not only affected one person but also those closest to him/me
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CSKiLLz
Suspended Joined: 15 July 2016 Status: Offline Points: 118 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-1 Form: LLN |
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Nice shit bro. Really smooth flowing . Think u did a good job famkeep it up!
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Trizzy Tre
Superior Member Joined: 28 March 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5101 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 30-7-1 Form: WLWLWW |
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Real thought provoking verse Kay, good to see you droppin..
Some deep stuff... Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished" A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish ^^^^^^.... This part was creative and tied together nicely. Wish it was slightly longer, felt I was just starting to get into it. Nice verse. |
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Kay B
Superior Member Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: Watford Status: Offline Points: 9428 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 58-32-0 Form: LLWWWW |
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Thanks trizzy appreciate it
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was rather short yet quite powerful.
A direct and relatively vividly descriptive opening segment. I somewhat liked it for its rather emotional than technical value.
This feels very personal, which makes it more intriguing. I wonder how it'll continue, though.
The last bar is truly impactful. I also really like the direct addressing in this. As I said earlier, the content is strongly emotionally appealing, as the depictions feel very authentic.
I think this bar is a highlight of this verse, it has a nice tone of mystique to it and it seems like a well executed transition to what is next to come.
A good continuation of the narrative and I appreciate the incorporated details which really add to the impact of the "final scene" here. Overall, I think this was nice. The high degree of authenticity and emotional depiction were the highlights. I understand that the focus lied on those two elements rather than technicality here, which is nice to see in a piece like this. I also agree with what's been said already, though, as I'd like to see this being continued on the narrative while adding some more details maybe.
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Kay B
Superior Member Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: Watford Status: Offline Points: 9428 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 58-32-0 Form: LLWWWW |
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Appreciate the feed, could be continued in the near future theres definetly more to add
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