Open Mic: Demonic thoughts of an evil man

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Demonic thoughts of an evil man
    Posted: 23 July 2016 at 5:41pm


Demonic thoughts of an evil man'll haunt him daily
Heard voices shout about mistakes truly thought "im crazy"
"Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done
Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one
Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished"
A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish"
Flashbacks of a fathers abuse either verbal or punches
Turned to self harm the second he believed all the dumb shit..

..Studied how to perform acts in secret, so no one'll see
Types to leave no obvious marks, types were no one'll bleed
Kept this up for months, hoped it'd leave when he'd learnt a lesson
Earnt a blessing, until one day mum saw, concerned she questioned..
She rolled up his sleeves an' observed progression
A tear now fell from her eye explained he heard agression
The words in my heads a truth an' a hurtful impression
Believed like a hero in the tabloids he deserved a section...

....True Story
Back to Top
Neek View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Super Mario Slaughterer

Joined: 05 October 2004
Status: Offline
Points: 3862

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 3-1-0
Form: LWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 6:03pm
I liked this piece..



Demonic thoughts of an evil man'll haunt him daily
Heard voices shout about mistakes truly thought "im crazy"
"Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done
Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one
Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished"
A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish"
Flashbacks of a fathers abuse either verbal or punches
Turned to self harm the second he believed all the dumb shit..

I thought you opened extremely strong. it has a nice schitzo vibe. you explain the mindset and why you began to get there. the offsetting of trauma. its all real dope.

..Studied how to perform acts in secret, so no one'll see
Types to leave no obvious marks, types were no one'll bleed
Kept this up for months, hoped it'd leave when he'd learnt a lesson
Earnt a blessing, until one day mum saw, concerned she questioned..
She rolled up his sleeves an' observed progression
A tear now fell from her eye explained he heard agression
The words in my heads a truth an' a hurtful impression
Believed like a hero in the tabloids he deserved a section...

....True Story

this was a nice contiuation, it shows the otherside (the mothers pain) and how much love is deeper than any scar ever will be. this is a nice piece to shake the rust off. I felt it was more a glimpse than a full picture. id hope you maybe return at a later date and get a bit more descriptive. but I enjoyed the read. thanks for sharing.
#Bananas
Back to Top
BIG GAME View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 16 April 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 4322

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 29-4-0
Form: WLWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote BIG GAME Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 6:35pm
Nice drop as always Kay B.
very smooth transition for segment one to segment two.

I'm not sure if you did it intentionally, but in the second to last line, you switched up to first person.
I actually thought that added a hidden allegory within. In a way, finally, exposing the writer as being the character.
That's the way I viewed it.

My favorite line here reminded me of something I think Eminem would write:

"Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done
Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one

Nice drop here bro.
Enjoyable.

Back to Top
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 8:26pm
Thanks for the feed, appreciated

Yeah neek it was originally going to be longer and go more into depth as said at the end its a true story so more to it since the mother finding out, just felt enough was vented at the time, thanks again
Back to Top
Goryo. View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 28 June 2016
Status: Offline
Points: 431
Crew: Tha Syndicate

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 9:20pm
I look forward to reading more if you continue with it but this was good all the same. I could feel the helplessness at some parts. Organised well with the inner narrative justifying your actions etc, I also liked how the first section had a 'a tear falls from an eye' line and the second had 'a now tear fell from her eye' line. Dunno if it was accidental or not but subtle shit like that really adds to the depth of a verse for me. Reads like it would fit real well over the 'Rock Bottom' beat lol.
Back to Top
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 10:55pm
Haha thanks man, nah it was intentional i was showing how the actions had not only affected one person but also those closest to him/me
Back to Top
CSKiLLz View Drop Down
Suspended
Suspended
Avatar

Joined: 15 July 2016
Status: Offline
Points: 118

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-2-1
Form: LLN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CSKiLLz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2016 at 10:59pm
Nice shit bro. Really smooth flowing . Think u did a good job famkeep it up!
Back to Top
Trizzy Tre View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 28 March 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 5101
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 30-7-1
Form: WLWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Trizzy Tre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 4:02pm
Real thought provoking verse Kay, good to see you droppin..

Some deep stuff...

Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done
Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one
Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished"
A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish
^^^^^^.... This part was creative and tied together nicely.


Wish it was slightly longer, felt I was just starting to get into it.

Nice verse.
Back to Top
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 10:25pm
Thanks trizzy appreciate it
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 653
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 11:11pm
This was rather short yet quite powerful. 

Originally posted by Kay B Kay B wrote:



Demonic thoughts of an evil man'll haunt him daily
Heard voices shout about mistakes truly thought "im crazy"
A direct and relatively vividly descriptive opening segment. I somewhat liked it for its rather emotional than technical value. 
Originally posted by Kay B Kay B wrote:


"Can't let the torture phase me" but easier said then done
Especially when "you'll be alright kev"...said no one
This feels very personal, which makes it more intriguing. I wonder how it'll continue, though. 
Originally posted by Kay B Kay B wrote:

Begin to believe the voices, "you deserve to be punished"
A tear falls from an eye everytime he heard that "you're rubbish"
Flashbacks of a fathers abuse either verbal or punches
Turned to self harm the second he believed all the dumb shit..
The last bar is truly impactful. I also really like the direct addressing in this. As I said earlier, the content is strongly emotionally appealing, as the depictions feel very authentic. 
Originally posted by Kay B Kay B wrote:


..Studied how to perform acts in secret, so no one'll see
Types to leave no obvious marks, types were no one'll bleed
I think this bar is a highlight of this verse, it has a nice tone of mystique to it and it seems like a well executed transition to what is next to come. 
Originally posted by Kay B Kay B wrote:


Kept this up for months, hoped it'd leave when he'd learnt a lesson
Earnt a blessing, until one day mum saw, concerned she questioned..
She rolled up his sleeves an' observed progression
A tear now fell from her eye explained he heard agression
The words in my heads a truth an' a hurtful impression
Believed like a hero in the tabloids he deserved a section...

....True Story

A good continuation of the narrative and I appreciate the incorporated details which really add to the impact of the "final scene" here. 
Overall, I think this was nice. The high degree of authenticity and emotional depiction were the highlights. I understand that the focus lied on those two elements rather than technicality here, which is nice to see in a piece like this. I also agree with what's been said already, though, as I'd like to see this being continued on the narrative while adding some more details maybe. 
Back to Top
Kay B View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 28 June 2005
Location: Watford
Status: Offline
Points: 9428
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 58-32-0
Form: LLWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Kay B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 11:18pm
Appreciate the feed, could be continued in the near future theres definetly more to add
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down