Open Mic: Alice, Neek, Endeavor & CHAIN - "Dust Thou Art"

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
The peoples champ

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: The Netherrealm
Status: Offline
Points: 1530
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #23
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Alice, Neek, Endeavor & CHAIN - "Dust Thou Art"
    Posted: 26 July 2016 at 2:08pm
Endeavor:
(Creation)

I’ve compiled broken hearts and gravel beneath the bedrock
The birth of a restless damsel appeared on the catwalk
Oh sweet melancholy she said, “grant me a soul for old time sake
So I can love and lose again for this emptiness cannot contain
The anger that remains from Medusa’ sharpest gaze”
Turn her back to clay… Mold her in a boulder so Atlas can hold her
It’s not torture if Gaia is her name…
Gaia, consort of time and mother of life, forever detained
None is worthy the nourishment of an unified terrain
A Pangaean bond of dimensions, water and mounds of moraine
Because….
I imprisoned the nucleus, yet the beast still managed to escape
It grew four legs with 5 claws to dash on the landscape…
Flesh is dirt, as the divine would say, so I gave roots as that fundament is safe
The spring flowers sprouted and blossomed, the wind made them sway
A sweet embrace between pollen and gametes strengthened by sunrays
Dance again damsel… All is okay

Alicewonder:
(Beauty)

She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle 
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance 
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance        
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse 
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice 
the sub-cutaneous premise - lucifian longings are at sight of the truth 
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.

Neek:
(Soul)

his father was stoic, 
grown where the garden variety 
was mostly broken
rarely chosen
the selective seeding
turned the diaspora from utopia
with mis-leading…
they planted firmly, 
roots in the family tree
topsy turvy. 
slight hero in what poppy earning. 
suckled from the breast of love
like raindrops that condensed their son.
the land of… milk and honey, 
the bees nest 
milking honeys, rumplestiltskin's journey
blossomed from watchin'
the cream of the crop, when they wilted funny
everyone has a field of dreams..
and it takes a team.. to build it for me. 
impaled by the dirt of my past and still unearthly
word to the bird who looks for the clitellum squirming.

CHAIN:
(Character)

He was very loved, he was here before the cherubs was
The most cherished on the turf he was the chairman of.
Cherry picked to be on Earth…that is where he was
Fuller than the crescent moon…where no werewolf was. 
Way before he met the flames his father had a warehouse of
Way before he played the game that made him wear our blood.
He’s all there is, he wasn’t aware of ‘was’
Carried doves in his palm before he became aware of us. 
From veritas to very thug, the jealousy was verified
The founder of the struggle, that paved the way for every lie.
The very same reason that we perish…before we die
Third eye paralyzed, with him is where the peril lies. 
The very same reason that we fear, we are petrified
Pestered in his throne he sat ‘they should be my pets’ he sighed. 
Daddy of the petty crime, the O.G Pennywise
The pedophile that peddles pride and pain, that’s his pesticide.
#Bananas

Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
The peoples champ

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: The Netherrealm
Status: Offline
Points: 1530
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #23
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2016 at 9:31am
Alice:

Quote
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle 
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?

Very interesting rhyme scheme right here. The wording, per usual, is impeccable and the imagery is absolutely insane. I kind of cheated with my verse because I felt like your verse was "the beginning" so I wrote the prelude to that lol.

Quote
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance 
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance        
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse

The use of assonance is really well displayed here. I especially liked the "sable soaked nimbus" part. A very unique way to describe a "dark god". Well, that's my interpretation of it. 

Quote
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice 
the sub-cutaneous premise - lucifian longings are at sight of the truth 
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.

Girl... Your vocabulary is nothing short of amazing. I told you that already but holy shit. You say tons of stuff with the least amount of words. Very abstract references and the metaphors go to great lengths. I'm still trying to fully grasp the contents of you verse. Very nicely done, Alice.

Neek:

Quote
his father was stoic, 
grown where the garden variety 
was mostly broken
rarely chosen
the selective seeding
turned the diaspora from utopia
with mis-leading…

The only guy I know can get away with extremely short bar verses. You have a certain way with wording that's always descriptive and interesting to read. Thus, I like this opener.

Quote
they planted firmly, 
roots in the family tree
topsy turvy. 
slight hero in what poppy earning. 
suckled from the breast of love
like raindrops that condensed their son.

I think this was my favorite section. Bruh... "raindrops that condensed their son". Really? Very dope. As by Alice, I love the references to plants.

Quote
the land of… milk and honey, 
the bees nest 
milking honeys, rumplestiltskin's journey

Absolutely fire. 13 words and you painted an insane image in my head. It's very impressive to say the least.

Quote
blossomed from watchin'
the cream of the crop, when they wilted funny
everyone has a field of dreams..
and it takes a team.. to build it for me.

This is the reason why I chose to name your section soul. The last two lines to be precise. Somehow those two lines moved me a lot. Probably cuz I can relate to it. Meh, you know what I'm talking about.

Quote
impaled by the dirt of my past and still unearthly
word to the bird who looks for the clitellum squirming.

Word to the bird, man. Fire. Why is it fire? Because my interpretation of it is that the bird who's trying to snatch the worm is actually the good trying to find the good in the dirt... Maybe a bit far fetched, but fuck it. I like my interpretation.

CHAIN:

Quote
He was very loved, he was here before the cherubs was
The most cherished on the turf he was the chairman of.
Cherry picked to be on Earth…that is where he was
Fuller than the crescent moon…where no werewolf was.

Very dope opening mister Chain. You flow is flawless like always. I like how you seem to portray Jesus but then flip the script on me. Straight like that.

Quote
Way before he met the flames his father had a warehouse of
Way before he played the game that made him wear our blood.
He’s all there is, he wasn’t aware of ‘was’
Carried doves in his palm before he became aware of us.

Told you before. That last line has to be my absolute favorite. Combined with the flow it's mad graceful and shit.

Quote
From veritas to very thug, the jealousy was verified
The founder of the struggle, that paved the way for every lie.
The very same reason that we perish…before we die
Third eye paralyzed, with him is where the peril lies.

Like what you did here. The scheme is absolutely bonkers. You kind of corrupted the "truth" but did it in a meaningful way. There's purpose in the bars and that's why your verse is named character. I really think your verse added personality to the whole piece.

Quote
The very same reason that we fear, we are petrified
Pestered in his throne he sat ‘they should be my pets’ he sighed. 
Daddy of the petty crime, the O.G Pennywise
The pedophile that peddles pride and pain, that’s his pesticide.

The alliteration is crazyyyyyyyy. Know how I said you added personality? This section is also a perfect example as to why. The reference to ITT is retardedly dope and love how you described the actual meaning of "pedophile". To those that don't know. It's one that loves children, but it isn't stated in what way one loves children. In this case it alludes to the love of terrorizing kids. Real slick.

Overall: Thought each one of you brought your magic here. Thanks Alice and Neek for allowing Chain and myself to hop in!

#Bananas

Back to Top
nomedic View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 11 January 2014
Location: South Africa
Status: Offline
Points: 1549
Crew: Hunger Games

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 35-24-0
Form: WWWLLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote nomedic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2016 at 4:33pm
                                                          Endeavour 

What imagery you have there, Your skills seem to be concentrated in that department and that here was utilized pretty well. the concept of the creation topic was also well put together you basically suggested that the beginning was a result of an ending which i took in really well                                                              

Oh sweet melancholy she said, “grant me a soul for old time sake
So I can love and lose again for this emptiness cannot contain
The anger that remains from Medusa’ sharpest gaze”
Turn her back to clay… Mold her in a boulder so Atlas can hold her









                                                               Alice  

I love how you paint a picture, and how your wording is assembled your bars have such a potent poetic feel to em that the right part of the brain does all the processing. How you squeeze in such color to a verse using very little is a quality you have that I admire dearly

                                                     This was my favourite part

the sub-cutaneous premise - lucifian longings are at sight of the truth 
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.


awesome work 

Neek

you had your own thing going here to one who perhaps didnt know better each idea here was encrypted 
but i tried to make sense of the concepts here shit was just beautiful respect for the short bar approach for such a broad concept you killed it

topsy turvy. 
slight hero in what poppy earning. 
suckled from the breast of love
like raindrops that condensed their son.

Chain

your approach was slightly similar to the endeavours verse given the nature of the delivery the poetic devices you enriched your verse with were laid out beautifully esp the closing section 

Way before he met the flames his father had a warehouse of
Way before he played the game that made him wear our blood.
He’s all there is, he wasn’t aware of ‘was’

i liked the idea you raised here 


the contrasting concepts you played with here were abit tricky though given how character portrayed earlier to your conclusion of it 

over all top notch work from all you writers this was a variety of different styles that mixed well together 

props

Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
The peoples champ

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: The Netherrealm
Status: Offline
Points: 1530
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #23
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2016 at 8:20am
Thanks Nomedic. I'm glad at least someone enjoyed this piece lol.
#Bananas

Back to Top
Droidian View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar
BIG GAME KILLER!

Joined: 07 May 2016
Location: Toronto
Status: Offline
Points: 776
Crew: EMPIRE

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 7-2-0
Form: WWLWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2016 at 9:04am
as i read this i was reminded of Wordsworth, Keats and Byron...there were moments that felt like Rimbaud. i was a little challenged by the transitions and felt like Neek was playing a subtle mischievous trick on me.   

There is a strong Romantic flair with a deep elemental and somewhow ephemeral mysticism...like the oneric quality alice touches upon...

each had a style of their own that fit the essence, but again is so ponderous that this requires further scrutiny. .I'm truly amazed at what is evoked and it seems so incongruous to the typical beef laden fare here on LA..

this is what I studied in Uni and this brought me back to those moments where i clung to the utterly delicate and fleeting meaning layered within exquisitely crafted stanzas.

i feel perhaps that there are pieces left unattended. ..like a position or voice has yet to be heard, but only so much can be covered by a handful of lyrical writers, nay poets.

great work.   i doff my cap.

Back to Top
Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 21 October 2014
Status: Offline
Points: 1087

Audio Rank: #19
Stats: 0-1-0
Form: L
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 July 2016 at 9:29pm
Endeavor:
(Creation)

"I’ve compiled broken hearts and gravel beneath the bedrock
The birth of a restless damsel appeared on the catwalk
Oh sweet melancholy she said, “grant me a soul for old time sake
So I can love and lose again for this emptiness cannot contain"

Good intro. I like the poetic tone used here and the imagery. You used them both well. Good opener man.

Alicewonder:
(Beauty)

"burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance       
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice"

It's just that great imagery that keeps me reading, you are quite good with descriptive writing. Good job

Neek:
(Soul)


"everyone has a field of dreams..
and it takes a team.. to build it for me."


I just loved this bar and i don't really know why but i just feel it ya dig bro? yeah. This is inspired!.


CHAIN:
(Character)


"The founder of the struggle, that paved the way for every lie.
The very same reason that we perish…before we die
Third eye paralyzed, with him is where the peril lies.
The very same reason that we fear, we are petrified
Pestered in his throne he sat ‘they should be my pets’ he sighed.
Daddy of the petty crime, the O.G Pennywise
The pedophile that peddles pride and pain, that’s his pesticide."


I just loved the progression here from "The founder...." to "The pedophile", good descriptive writing and a way of ending the project.



Overall this is some epic collab, 2 poets, 1 audio head and 1 text head. It just worked perfectly somehow and that shows this be a well planned and talent filled piece. Great job yall. Dope.
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 569
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #31
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 2:57am
Thanks guys! 

So, I'm really glad how this turned out! 
End: 
I thoroughly loved the striking poetic tale of your verse. But you also incorporated a great balance of directness and subtle schemes, which I found very intriguing. 

Quote

I’ve compiled broken hearts and gravel beneath the bedrock
The birth of a restless damsel appeared on the catwalk

I love the very interesting connection of broken hearts and gravel here, a thoroughly great way to start off the verse. The image you created is also a very good one, kinda drawing the reader in.

Quote
Oh sweet melancholy she said, “grant me a soul for old time sake
So I can love and lose again for this emptiness cannot contain
Great usage of language here, I'm really fond of the "emptiness cannot contain" phraseology. I think it adds beautifully to the overall composition. The contrasting references are also very nice.

Quote
The anger that remains from Medusa’ sharpest gaze”
Turn her back to clay… Mold her in a boulder so Atlas can hold her
I love the references you are employing here, it really adds to the very poetic, yet contrasting imagery creation. 
Quote
It’s not torture if Gaia is her name…
Gaia, consort of time and mother of life, forever detained
None is worthy the nourishment of an unified terrain
A Pangaean bond of dimensions, water and mounds of moraine
This is just beautiful. The consistency of the references is great, and I love the descriptiveness here. Word placement is also impeccable to me, very well done! 
Quote
Because….
I imprisoned the nucleus, yet the beast still managed to escape
It grew four legs with 5 claws to dash on the landscape…
Flesh is dirt, as the divine would say, so I gave roots as that fundament is safe
The spring flowers sprouted and blossomed, the wind made them sway
A sweet embrace between pollen and gametes strengthened by sunrays
Dance again damsel… All is okay
I think this is a very strong ending segment, it appears to be written so effortlessly yet it's layered with subtle abstractness and imagery. A great way to depict the imagery of creation, and a pure beginning in general.


Neek:
Thanks again for bearing with me while I had to delay this. I appreciate it. 

Quote
his father was stoic, 
grown where the garden variety 
was mostly broken
rarely chosen
I generally love the unconventional schemes you employ, and it's no different with this verse. I think this is an interesting opening segment, very direct while subtly alluding to a certain perspective. 
Quote
the selective seeding
turned the diaspora from utopia
with mis-leading…
they planted firmly, 
roots in the family tree
topsy turvy. 
slight hero in what poppy earning. 
I really like the very strongly linked references, from selective to diaspora, the topsy turvy bit really adds to the "evolving" theme you were going for here. Flow is impeccable as usual. 
Quote
suckled from the breast of love
like raindrops that condensed their son.
the land of… milk and honey, 
the bees nest 
milking honeys, rumplestiltskin's journey
This is my favourite segment. I thoroughly loved the "land of the milk and honey" reference here, it's an incredibly strong imagery, and I like how you carried it on. Slightly abstract with the rumplestiltskin incorporation as well, awesome!  
Quote
blossomed from watchin'
the cream of the crop, when they wilted funny
everyone has a field of dreams..
and it takes a team.. to build it for me. 
impaled by the dirt of my past and still unearthly
word to the bird who looks for the clitellum squirming.
Loved the "word to the bird" bit. The consistency and metaphorical layers here are very well done. The, again, slight abstractness can indicate different perspectives on evolvement, so I think it's done very well. Glad we finally got to collab. 


Chain:
I'm really glad you participated in this! 

Quote
He was very loved, he was here before the cherubs was
The most cherished on the turf he was the chairman of.
Cherry picked to be on Earth…that is where he was
Fuller than the crescent moon…where no werewolf was. 
The scheme and flow are impeccable as always, very unorthodox and unique, with a cleverly incorporated subtleness. And I think this is the most poetic-like approach I've seen from you. Although it's very subtle, I really like the vivid descriptiveness and the imagery here. I also loved the linkages of cherished/cherry picked and the crescent moon. A very strong opening segment, to say the least. 
Quote Way before he met the flames his father had a warehouse of
Way before he played the game that made him wear our blood.
He’s all there is, he wasn’t aware of ‘was’
Carried doves in his palm before he became aware of us. 
I thoroughly love the "he wasn't aware of was" line, it has a beautiful rawness to it, so to say. The imagery and associations with the dove are also very well employed here. 
Quote From veritas to very thug, the jealousy was verified
The founder of the struggle, that paved the way for every lie.
The very same reason that we perish…before we die
Third eye paralyzed, with him is where the peril lies. 
Can't stress enough how amazing the scheme is. The "third eye paralysed" was another highlight, the phraseology hereby is impeccable. 
Quote The very same reason that we fear, we are petrified
Pestered in his throne he sat ‘they should be my pets’ he sighed. 
Daddy of the petty crime, the O.G Pennywise
The pedophile that peddles pride and pain, that’s his pesticide.
The perspective of the "love for a child" hereby is very interestingly portrayed, you are demonstrating a unique perspective here. The first line was also one of my favourites, very direct and seemingly effortless, but highly effective. 

Thanks again for jumping in on this, guys! 
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator


Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 1840
Crew: Alter Egos

Text Rank: #34
Stats: 4-8-0
Form: WLLLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 2:05pm
Endeez,this was a nice crafted piece here,liked the detail you came
with,the angles and concepts were solid,how mother Earth nurtures and
provides for life,kind of like Darwin in poetic form,it also came off
as a pacey read,I was hooked from the off,the tempo was nothing short
of Ripe really,you do have a certain flair when you do collabs,you do
seem to strive for excellence,this was a great opening verse via the
contents and vocab,it also had a pure feel to it,it carried some nice
essence to it because of the substance it contained,the whole piece
had a factual element to it which lifted this drop 10 fold for me,I
was feeling this in it entire,I would've liked you to have done a
bar or 2 about how Gain herself was created,before she started to
create,but with that being typed,if you had it wouldn't of added a
great deal more Overal..Ripe work an enjoyable read..peace


Alice,like the title your working from,this was a beautiful peice,your
choices in words,down to your contents,and vocab were rich,(shit just
on reading it could cause gout),i do admire you style of writing,you do
seem to make the words you use work in ways more than their intended
use,this is how you can say so much from not typing to much,I do read
alot of poetry as a rule,I also have favourite scribes in poetry too,Benjamin Zephaniah just to name one,the thing I notice beside their lyrics is the
attention they pay to their craft,like what you do and achieve on the
norm too,your flow was nice as to was the blend of beauty you brought
along here,as it wasn't concentrated in one description or way,it was
a spatiual approach I thought,all in all this was also a Ripe piece,
solid read,well done..peace.


Whoa Neek,you go on that teaching vibe,this piece alone had soul nevermind
you protraital of soul,again like Alice and Endeez,you also brought your bag
of lyrics along with you here,this collab is top notch so far,and your twist to it
is ripe,I felt that here ppl could learn something from this piece,because it contained educational facts,I.e.the earth worms reproduction with the clitellum near the end of the verse to name just one,plus your plays here were good and creative,milk and honey/milking honeys,that was a nice touch,a simple little
inclusion that spoke volumes,my you have been very creative of late,your
OM prior this one will testify that as fact,your schemes and concepts here
are firing on all cylinders too,plus the short line approach is a joy to view,
as well as read,it really does make for an effortless and pleasing read,it's
also refreshing,this piece also had depth that i enjoyed,great writing
here dude Ripe work..(plus you owe me a game on gears pal..lol).peace.


CHAIN LA's very own wordsmith,the continuous use of the word "was" in the
opening of your piece was brilliantly done,because each time it was done
with a different concept attached,so the word wasn't stressed or forced,at
any,point,nicely played there I thought,shows a quality that when done right,
gives a piece a subtleness to it,i liked the whole theme here,gave.me the
feeling this cherub was the original fallen Angel,although he was chosen,
the life experiences seem to corrupt him which forced him to create his own
path,so to type,the path that birthed sin,if i'm reading this right,then that
was a very creative take on a piece of religious literature,if I have managed
to misconstrued this,then i apologies now,the contents and vocab here like
those above,even down to details and word placements has been fire,your
truly are skilled when you write,amazing work here..peace.

Overal this collab was a tremendous effort by all here,each brought their heat,each captured their topic's trait,this is without a shadow of doubt a
5 star collab,hence why I'll be giving this 5,highly enjoyable thanks for
the read...tremendous..peace



Back to Top
Storm $hadow View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 25 July 2015
Location: Abuja
Status: Offline
Points: 317

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Storm $hadow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 5:35pm
Never knew something like this was in existence i swear. Now, i won't break in down anymore because most people already had so i hope it won't be a crime if i leave a comment:



Endeavour: Permit me to say this is your first work i clearly and vividly understand, i love the angle you took. I like the greek mythology figures reference, it was relatable.





Alice- The angle you went for is perfect for you and was well executed, the abstract images kept coming.




Neek- Your nature approach was clever and very well written, flow nice and your wordings were good. The terminologies you used went accordingly, good one.






Chainz: No need to leave a comment on his..


Good work from all.
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
The peoples champ

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: The Netherrealm
Status: Offline
Points: 1530
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #23
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 5:54pm
Thanks for the feed guys!
#Bananas

Back to Top
Goryo. View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 28 June 2016
Status: Offline
Points: 377
Crew: The Syndicate

Text Rank: #24
Stats: 3-4-0
Form: WLWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 9:21pm
It's verses like these that inspire me the most lol. Two things that go for everyone involved are the brilliant use of words, and the unique descriptive approach. Everyone was similar but at the same time each had their own individual spin.

End - You did a good job of giving life to your verse. Nothing was presented in a basic or bland fashion. I also liked how you used words relating to the topic to describe things, like the 'Pangaean bond of dimensions' line. You definitely made the most out of the topic you had.

Alice - Very similar to Endeavor's but still unique. I think you complimented each other well having your verses back to back. Very wordy and I had to really read over the lines at some parts lol. I also appreciate how a lot of lines just carry on into the next one without a pause (or at least that's how I read it) and the rhymescheme really helped that. Like Endeavor's verse the imagery and character were on point.

Neek - From what I've seen from you, I really enjoy your style of writing and what stood out to me the most in your verse here was the use of metaphors. They came off really naturally and extra props for keeping with the theme throughout. Unorthodox style in general with flow, rhymes and the way you say things but it works extremely well.

Chain - What stood out to me the most was how you introduced your character. I mean I could say that about everyone but I was just feeling the approach. The rhymes seemed to build in intensity as the verse progressed and the use of inners was smooth as hell. I felt like I got more insight into your character's personality aswell.

Overall I could honestly say this is something I'd read again, especially during those times where I'm not feeling too creative lol. A lot of different aspects of writing were exercised here and strongly. Everyone brought a unique brand of imagery and took a really creative approach. Everything came off smooth and natural. Good work.
Back to Top
Nigma View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 25 March 2013
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 3726
Crew: Elision

Topical ChampOpen Mic of the Month
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2016 at 5:08am
Endeavor:
(Creation)

I’ve compiled broken hearts and gravel beneath the bedrock
The birth of a restless damsel appeared on the catwalk
Oh sweet melancholy she said, “grant me a soul for old time sake
So I can love and lose again for this emptiness cannot contain
The anger that remains from Medusa’ sharpest gaze”
Turn her back to clay… Mold her in a boulder so Atlas can hold her
It’s not torture if Gaia is her name…
Gaia, consort of time and mother of life, forever detained
None is worthy the nourishment of an unified terrain
A Pangaean bond of dimensions, water and mounds of moraine
Because….
I imprisoned the nucleus, yet the beast still managed to escape
It grew four legs with 5 claws to dash on the landscape…
Flesh is dirt, as the divine would say, so I gave roots as that fundament is safe
The spring flowers sprouted and blossomed, the wind made them sway
A sweet embrace between pollen and gametes strengthened by sunrays
Dance again damsel… All is okay

Endeezy da gawd to begin with. Put this mawf'ka in deity status and you've got yourself a recipe for the opposite of disaster, whatever that is. This is that acually, a recipe for this verse is what it is. What it isn't is not relevant so we shall not discuss it. What we will discuss is 'it' so I will begin. Continue rather. Very minor syllable issues in the intro. I felt line 2 could have been reworded to match its predecessor. This was made up for by delicious diction (you could flip those syllables to say delicious shawn dick, fun fact) and super interesting concepts. My fav 3 words of the verse were imprisoned the nucleus. All those words are really good. Thanks for this man thank you so much. Seeya

Alicewonder:
(Beauty)

She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle 
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance 
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance        
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse 
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice 
the sub-cutaneous premise - lucifian longings are at sight of the truth 
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.

Sweet alaskan asparagus tips Alice hello there great to see you. I always have a kitten on my lap when I read your verses. The odd time you have a solid end rhyme to start your verse and I let kitty hop off my lap. Other times, like this time, your first bar doesn't rhyme, and I punch said kitty right in the mouth. It's kinda a cool vibe to your writing tho, it's like you rhyme whenever the fuck you want to and I respect that. Your flow reminds me of that beeping machine in hospitals monitoring the heartrate of a healthy male endurance runner from nigeria. It starts silent, immediately rises, almost starts to fall off an decline but then picks up. It's consistent, it's unique, and it allows you ample amounts of freedom that you don't take for granted. The 'sable soaked numbus' 'subcutaneous premise' portion was standout. I like that you are you, keep that shit up.

Neek:
(Soul)

his father was stoic, 
grown where the garden variety 
was mostly broken
rarely chosen
the selective seeding
turned the diaspora from utopia
with mis-leading…
they planted firmly, 
roots in the family tree
topsy turvy. 
slight hero in what poppy earning. 
suckled from the breast of love
like raindrops that condensed their son.
the land of… milk and honey, 
the bees nest 
milking honeys, rumplestiltskin's journey
blossomed from watchin'
the cream of the crop, when they wilted funny
everyone has a field of dreams..
and it takes a team.. to build it for me. 
impaled by the dirt of my past and still unearthly
word to the bird who looks for the clitellum squirming.

Whelp I just red the first few lines and had to stop to say that I'm going to write a book on Grammar, have it published with a real nice leather spine, drive to your current location following direction Big Game drew on the back of an alcohol soaked AA pamphlet, and strike you in the head with it repetetively until Ray Charles crawls out of his grave to say he's seen enough. In all seriousness, you can find the flow in it but some commas and periods could really help a brotha out gnome sayin? Kay brb gonna finish reading. Okay this was super cool for some reasons and I'm gonna discuss them. First off, the extended metaphor between the soul and nature was noticed, as was your micromanaged execution of it. Thirdly (no typo), you made rumplestilkskin flow in a verse. Commendable. Secondly, you did all the stuff you normally do, got dat Neek swag where its like omg at first glance this looks like it doenst rhyme and stuff but really its crafted with finesse and is good. There is no fourthly. 

CHAIN:
(Character)

He was very loved, he was here before the cherubs was
The most cherished on the turf he was the chairman of.
Cherry picked to be on Earth…that is where he was
Fuller than the crescent moon…where no werewolf was. 
Way before he met the flames his father had a warehouse of
Way before he played the game that made him wear our blood.
He’s all there is, he wasn’t aware of ‘was’
Carried doves in his palm before he became aware of us. 
From veritas to very thug, the jealousy was verified
The founder of the struggle, that paved the way for every lie.
The very same reason that we perish…before we die
Third eye paralyzed, with him is where the peril lies. 
The very same reason that we fear, we are petrified
Pestered in his throne he sat ‘they should be my pets’ he sighed. 
Daddy of the petty crime, the O.G Pennywise
The pedophile that peddles pride and pain, that’s his pesticide.

Damn I feel like I'm gonna struggle filling this in with as much blasphemy as the other portions of feed since it was on some OG Chain shit. First few bars were masterful. Was excited/surprised to see a change in the schemes midway through since you've been a fan of rocking out with one lately. Transitions on point as expected. You used to do a lot more subtle assonance and brought that back a few times throughout, most notably dat finale. The wording in some of these bars was fantastic. The flames/father/warehosue part was top notch. Nothin slack about this bad boy, excellent closer for an excellent collab.

You all did a great job encapsulating your assigned roles. Perfect 4 people gathered for this one.

Back to Top
Exoduzt View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 08 April 2006
Location: Long Island
Status: Offline
Points: 5233
Crew: Elision

Tag Team Champ

Text Rank: #11
Stats: 40-7-5
Form: NWWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2016 at 6:09am
i will break this down tomorrow

Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
The peoples champ

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: The Netherrealm
Status: Offline
Points: 1530
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: #23
Stats: 4-4-0
Form: LWWLWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 August 2016 at 5:33pm
UPPING THIS BECAUSE I CAN
#Bananas

Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down