Open Mic: (KOTOM) A Kings Legacy.

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    Posted: 30 July 2016 at 9:29pm
Whilst in bed the theatre in my head,plays out acts that I fear and dread,
all in red It's like I'm a thysbian on the boards,I'm gonna knock em dead,
I'm given a book about a figurehead,a tale about all the blood he'd shed,
it was said,must equal all the battles in the worlds histroy where ppl bled,
king names Joel and he had a goal,to wed off his daughter to another soul,
price of not having a male heir took its toll,now contemplating growing old,
of he's lands he had control,but from a far distant realm came forth a scroll,
it read behold,your offsprings hand I will hold,a chill made the king feel cold,
1 yr latter on a dry day in july,all due to the king not sending back a reply,
a declaration of war has been certified,this caught the king by total surprise,
the rantings of forked tongue implied,that the sender was 2 faced like Gemini,
like a moody artist painting in black ink blotted the sky,ppl stood horrorified,
Joel seemed volatile,shouts come forth all men present yourself by rank n file,
acts makes me disturbed,unperturbed,considering whats felt and heard,
I read in the distance a scourge,quadrepeids covered in scars it's absurd,
thousands swarm undeterred,approaching the gate they stop to merge,
he bellows "stand fast for this day we slay and purge",bravery is what I urge,
The king then unsheathed he's sword,held it aloft ready to slay the hoarde,
an aura surrounded the sword like sound,to which he then thrust in the ground,
lacing up his armour for on coming onslaught,he's ppl are scared and distraught,
he went to the gate,"let's give them death on a plate,open up let's face our fate",
the king was the 1st to enter the field,the glowing sword he began to wield,
a swing caught a quadrepeid on the head,still running at him it fell down dead,
he's now running straight at the hoarde like a sports car that's being floored,
Mowing down flesh blood dampened the field,gathering pace behind he's shield,
he came to the middle,hundreds layed killed,the king in battle was well heeled,
raised the sparkling sword the power within filled,all the Beasts blood spilled,
Flesh being thrown round like a ferris wheel,muscle from bone began to peel,
and all the while you could hear and feel,the high-pitch din of painful squeals,
the mighty sword tuned into a stick,just like Pandora's box it is full of tricks,
and what the king for yrs tried hard to conceal,he now to he's ppl had to reveal,

(The reply to Neek's challenge)
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 12:13am
First off, I'm really glad to see you participating! And this looks quite intriguing.

Quote Whilst in bed the theatre in my head,plays out acts that I fear and dread,
all in red It's like I'm a thysbian on the boards,I'm gonna knock em dead,
I'm given a book about a figurehead,a tale about all the blood he'd shed,
it was said,must equal all the battles in the worlds histroy where ppl bled,

I appreciate the direct narrative here. You immediately start off with an interesting scenery depiction without being overly descriptive. I think this is a nice linkage to the allusion in your title, and I'm wondering where this is going to lead to. There were a few spelling mistakes but they were minor, not distracting from the readability of this segment (I think you meant to write "thespian" instead of "thysbian"?). Scheme-wise, I liked the consistency here. You kept it rather simple, leading the focus on the content which is nice to see. I also enjoyed the connecting references like the "theatre/thespian" bit. Nicely done. 

Quote
king names Joel and he had a goal,to wed off his daughter to another soul,
price of not having a male heir took its toll,now contemplating growing old,
of he's lands he had control,but from a far distant realm came forth a scroll,
it read behold,your offsprings hand I will hold,a chill made the king feel cold,

I begin to really like the scheme you employ, it's quite natural and contributes with a great smoothness to the overall plot you are describing. A little variety could enhance it further, but that's again subjective. Content-wise, I think this segment is "driving the story" forward, so to say. I like the different layers of descriptiveness here. 

Quote
1 yr latter on a dry day in july,all due to the king not sending back a reply,
a declaration of war has been certified,this caught the king by total surprise,
the rantings of forked tongue implied,that the sender was 2 faced like Gemini,
like a moody artist painting in black ink blotted the sky,ppl stood horrorified,
Joel seemed volatile,shouts come forth all men present yourself by rank n file,

I think a small change in the display of the content could really enhance the readability, for example when Joel is addressing the men. But I think, overall, that this segment is nice. And I love Gemini references. 

Quote
acts makes me disturbed,unperturbed,considering whats felt and heard,
I read in the distance a scourge,quadrepeids covered in scars it's absurd,
thousands swarm undeterred,approaching the gate they stop to merge,
he bellows "stand fast for this day we slay and purge",bravery is what I urge,

The little variety which I touched upon earlier can be subtly seen in this segment. I think the consistency of the assonances hereby are incorporated very well. Some interesting vocabulary as well, very nicely done! 

Quote
The king then unsheathed he's sword,held it aloft ready to slay the hoarde,
an aura surrounded the sword like sound,to which he then thrust in the ground,
lacing up his armour for on coming onslaught,he's ppl are scared and distraught,
he went to the gate,"let's give them death on a plate,open up let's face our fate",

This was highly descriptive, and I really like the various layers of action you employ here in a sequence-like manner, which is again a very nice linkage to the "theatre" reference from your beginning. Some rhymes didn't work for me, but then again, it could be due to the difference in accents. 

Quote
the king was the 1st to enter the field,the glowing sword he began to wield,
a swing caught a quadrepeid on the head,still running at him it fell down dead,
he's now running straight at the hoarde like a sports car that's being floored,
Mowing down flesh blood dampened the field,gathering pace behind he's shield,

I was really fond of the first half of this segment as I felt that it read like a tale, keeping with the period of time in which it's taken place. But I wasn't fond of the sports car reference, as it somewhat disrupted the read. I understand that you were incorporating it in order to emphasise the circumstance, but I think it's not quite fitting into this kind of narrative. The last line was done well, though! 

Quote
he came to the middle,hundreds layed killed,the king in battle was well heeled,
raised the sparkling sword the power within filled,all the Beasts blood spilled,
Flesh being thrown round like a ferris wheel,muscle from bone began to peel,
and all the while you could hear and feel,the high-pitch din of painful squeals,
the mighty sword tuned into a stick,just like Pandora's box it is full of tricks,
and what the king for yrs tried hard to conceal,he now to he's ppl had to reveal,

I love the ending bar here, as it's very well fitting into the overall composition while still serving as a final word of the tale like approach you had here. I also like the slight subtleness at some spaces, the "superpower" being a non-physical one, if I caught that right, that is. 
Overall, I think you had some real highlights here, I just wasn't overly fond of the few similes you employed. Good work! 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 12:29am
Whilst in bed the theatre in my head,plays out acts that I fear and dread,
all in red It's like I'm a thysbian on the boards,I'm gonna knock em dead,
I'm given a book about a figurehead,a tale about all the blood he'd shed,
it was said,must equal all the battles in the worlds histroy where ppl bled,
king names Joel and he had a goal,to wed off his daughter to another soul,
price of not having a male heir took its toll,now contemplating growing old,
of he's lands he had control,but from a far distant realm came forth a scroll,
it read behold,your offsprings hand I will hold,a chill made the king feel cold,

well right away, this is certaintly winning in the originality department. the period piece feeling is really vibrant. the depiction is well crafted and feels authentic. love the direction so far.



1 yr latter on a dry day in july,all due to the king not sending back a reply,
a declaration of war has been certified,this caught the king by total surprise,
the rantings of forked tongue implied,that the sender was 2 faced like Gemini,
like a moody artist painting in black ink blotted the sky,ppl stood horrorified,
Joel seemed volatile,shouts come forth all men present yourself by rank n file,
acts makes me disturbed,unperturbed,considering whats felt and heard,
I read in the distance a scourge,quadrepeids covered in scars it's absurd,
thousands swarm undeterred,approaching the gate they stop to merge,
he bellows "stand fast for this day we slay and purge",bravery is what I urge,


god damn bro. I really like this. has the feel of a castle being stormed for sure. a mix of braveheart and troy visual. I really love this direction and am EXTEMELY curious how you match this to the theme lol


The king then unsheathed he's sword,held it aloft ready to slay the hoarde,
an aura surrounded the sword like sound,to which he then thrust in the ground,
lacing up his armour for on coming onslaught,he's ppl are scared and distraught,
he went to the gate,"let's give them death on a plate,open up let's face our fate",
the king was the 1st to enter the field,the glowing sword he began to wield,
a swing caught a quadrepeid on the head,still running at him it fell down dead,
he's now running straight at the hoarde like a sports car that's being floored,
Mowing down flesh blood dampened the field,gathering pace behind he's shield,
he came to the middle,hundreds layed killed,the king in battle was well heeled,
raised the sparkling sword the power within filled,all the Beasts blood spilled,

I liked that the King took charge. thats the signs of a true leader. to be the one to make the first move and sacrifice first. great character development. I am rooting for this guy, he simply had shit to do and now he gets a war so he responds in kind. diggin. the visual on the sports car was awesome.

Flesh being thrown round like a ferris wheel,muscle from bone began to peel,
and all the while you could hear and feel,the high-pitch din of painful squeals,
the mighty sword tuned into a stick,just like Pandora's box it is full of tricks,
and what the king for yrs tried hard to conceal,he now to he's ppl had to reveal,


so the King was playing make believe in his room? So he was Auggy (spelling?) from Role Models? Jeez man!! I thought some Hancock super hero was going to come in and his superpower was going to be some crazy shit. I think you ran out of lines lol. thats really what I think lol but overall nice. I still cannot connect it to the theme, but I am happy to see your piece and thanks for taking up the gauntlet!!
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2016 at 1:00am
Thank you Alice and Neek for you feed,and taking time to read..

@ Neek,the hero in this turns out to be a warrior wizard and the
silly power was the stick,he's wand..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2016 at 1:51pm
Opener wasnt bad. i liked the choise of words. Definitely concise with your
approach. Your delivery has the flow chopped into two blocks. I liked that.
The way you are connecting your vocabulary together and transitioning them
into the next line was really nice. Your internal ryhmes were nice also.
Content wise it was good. you have a direct approach to explaining yourself.
Overall this was pretty damn good my friend. Enjoyed reading it.
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